Opening the Book
by Dream Diary
Summary: Good morning, Mado. It's four in the afternoon, should you be sleeping that late?
1. The First Page

This is the 'Nexus', you may say, for my fiction based on the somewhat unknown game known as Yume Nikki. For those of you who know of the game and have played all the way through it, you'll notice that this story is my interpretation of the game as a whole.

If you've never played the game before, allow me a brief description. Yume Nikki is a game created by a single japanese person only known as Kikiyama. Virtually nothing is known about the creator beside that name. The game itself was first released only in Japanese, but was then translated into english and has found itself with a steadily growing fanbase.

The game itself is rather unique, involving a girl only known as Madotsuki, which is roughly translated to window. (Although Mado means window and tsuki means moon, but I only barely understand the language) There is absolutely no dialogue in the game outside of the instructions, which detail how to play the game. The instructions are simple; Save at the desk. Go to sleep, explore the dream world. Wake up. Save the game. Repeat.

Madotsuki's room is bare, only having a disfunctional TV without cable, a system with one game, a bookshelf, a bed and balcony. She refuses to leave her room, which leads people to believe she's a hikikomori (Japanese term for a shut in, in some cases a person with agoraphobia). Since there isn't any dialogue, the entire game is left to fan interpretation. The dreams Madotsuki has are very disturbing and unnerving at times and can be interpreted as clues to her past and what made her this way.

This story, simply called "Opening the Book", is my (rather embellished) interpretation of the game after having beaten it. If you've never played or beaten the game but want to, you may wish to first do so if you're interested after reading this. But if you don't plan to, don't hesitate to read on. The story is explanatory and enjoyable even without having played the game.

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The First Page  
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**There wasn't a place I hated more than this. The walls of the outside were cracked, as if they were resisting the explosion of coarse misery trapped at the apex of this building. The glass was covered in a thick layer of grime, obscuring the light from seeping in and bringing any kind of light to the inhabitants.

My thoughts didn't reflect cheer, either. Take in a deep breath. Enjoy the freshness of the air. Enjoy the warmth of the sun on your skin, Makoto. Because once you enter this building and climb to the very top, there wouldn't be anything happy to see. No sun would be awaiting me with a smile. No, quite the opposite. Instead, a lifeless moon waited for me atop the apartment complex. Chiseled into it, the expression of a girl who had lost more than one could imagine.

I exhaled, bidding farewell to the sun and warmth of the outside world.

The climb up the apartment complex's stairs was always quick and void of thought; how many times had I made this ascent? As I passed the floors that the other tenants inhabited, sad glances were exchanged between us. Everyone knew why I was here. Everyone knew of the sadness that awaited at the very top floor of the apartment complex and why I was headed there. Sooner than I expected, I was standing in front of that door. This was the door I sometimes spent seconds, minutes, even hours staring at while I wondered what I was doing. The door that lead to a quiet, somber world.

It was Madotsuki's door that lead to that quiet, joyless world.

I knocked a few times, reaching into my pocket. "Mado, it's me. Makoto. I'm coming in." I called through the door. As usual, no response. Moments later, I fished the key out of my pocket. Madotsuki's uncle made me a copy of her apartment's key, seeing as I was the only one who really checked in on her anymore.

I plunged the key into the doorknob, hesitating whether to turn it and open the door. I looked to the dingy walls around me, filled with deeply set cracks and covered with cobwebs, discarded remnants of life that had given up making its home here. Madotsuki's uncle owned this apartment complex. It was tall, taller than most apartment buildings you'd find around the neighborhood. Despite being so tall, it was small and cramped, slowly falling into disrepair. The building itself was bigger than Madotsuki's uncle could handle. Since I could remember, the complex had been withered by time and neglect.

The building itself wasn't the only thing that had been corroded by those two elements, either.

I twisted the key in the ***, pushing the door open. The room was absolutely silent, as usual. Madotsuki's room, unlike the rest of the building, was kept in an oddly pristine fashion. I guess the girl had nothing else to do with her time, so she kept her room clean. My eyes roamed over the spotless room, taking in the details. Scattered around the floor were various pillows, ones that never seemed to be moved from their location. They laid neatly and purposely, each matching the same angle as the other pillows. In front of her television a lone, ancient video game system laid, its only cartridge inserted into it. In the center of the room was a carpet emblazoned with some strange Aztec art, all in shades of crimson and yellow. Against the wall was a tall, neatly kept bookshelf. A desk with a single notebook open on it, a pen beside it. A door that lead to the minuscule bathroom, bearing a toilet and a cramped standing shower.

The door to the balcony was left ajar, a slight breeze flowing into the room in the direction of the bed. The bed... the place where Madotsuki rarely ever left. Madotsuki, curled up and covered completely by her sheets, lay snoring softly.

I sat down at the desk's chair, my eyes wandering to the corner of the desk facing her bed. A dozen orange medicine containers stand there, lids uncapped and multicolored pills scattered around the desk. "Hey." I said, tearing my eyes from those damned pills. I loathed them. I laid most of the blame for how Madotsuki had turned out on the pills they forced down her throat.

No response from the bed. I focused my eyes on those dull brown sheets, an ache entering my chest. The sense of dire this place radiated was already setting in. The TV that had no channels, the bookshelf filled with meaningless books that would never be read. The diary of bleak dreams she kept. "Mado, wake up." I said, placing a hand on the bulge in the blankets. Shaking her gently, I heard a soft groan.

That was usually the most I'd hear from her. She slowly pulled the blankets out from over her head and sat up, rubbing her eyes at me. For a few minutes she sat up, her eyes still closed. Even though she slept so much, she still looked so tired. It bothered me to see Madotsuki like this. I wondered why it seemed like everything in her life had turned against her.

I had known her since she was a kid. She was still a kid, really. How old was she now? Fifteen? I was twenty, the only reason I knew her was because my parents were excellent friends with hers. I never really spoke to her, but... after everything happened to her, I made her parents a promise. A promise that I was holding to even this moment.

She opened her eyes and looked up at me. That was when the remainder of spirit I had in me was crushed. Those eyes were enough to cripple anyone. Empty, void, lifeless, deject. There were so many words to say what her expression held, but none of them could quite fit the defeat her eyes exuded. Despite the dreariness she gave off, I had to force a smile for her. "Good morning, Mado. It's four in the afternoon, should you be sleeping that late?" I asked with a cheesy grin. She didn't say anything, only rubbing an ochre eye at me while reaching for her braided pigtail.

Her left pigtail was loose, coming undone. She undid it softly, retying it within seconds and affixing her beaded elastic around it. I watched her colorless hands work swiftly, they moved like they had done this millions of times. Her skin was another thing that made her seem weak and defeated. It was a pale, a stark white. There were no windows in this apartment, just the glass door that she always kept slid open a bit and obscured by blinds.

I kept smiling at her, hoping she'd say something to me. She hadn't spoken in so long. I remember her being a reserved person, but never to this degree. It was only after the accident that things became this way. When I realized she wasn't about to say anything, my smile folded a little. "Are you hungry? I can go make you some food to eat." I told her, which seemed to catch her attention. Her eyes opened wider and were a bit more alert at the words 'food to eat'. She never left her apartment, always resisting, giving nothing more than a reluctant shake of the head when someone suggested she leave the room. Oftentimes she didn't even try to approach the door.

I smiled at her, patting her on the head as I stood up. I began walking away from the bed, towards that door she seemed so afraid of. "Don't fall asleep while I'm making your food, ok? I don't want to have to wake you from a good dream." I told her as she stood up, brushing the wrinkles out of her pastel pink shirt, adjusting the length of her maroon skirt. She nodded, taking the seat that I gave up. She picked up the pen and began writing as I head towards the exit of the apartment.

Cooking was the same as the climb to Madotsuki's apartment. Mindless. As I descended the steps to the community kitchen, I tuned everything out. Since the complex was so narrow and tall, the floors were built to have a single kitchen per floor for the tenants to share the use of. Madotsuki lived on the ninth floor, the only floor with a single room, so I always used the eighth floor's kitchen. I walked towards the fridge, opening it and peering in. No one bothered touching her food. No one ever put their food near hers, either. It was like they were afraid of anything that had anything to do with her. It made me feel worse for the poor girl, no one except me tried to see her in a normal light. All I could do was sigh. From the moment after I grabbed some leftovers that I had labeled "Madotsuki, 9-A", everything became automatic. Even when I made meals, my mind went blank. It was better to not think too much.

Once I finished, I found myself looking down at the reheated plate of lasagna. As I walked from the kitchen towards the lonely staircase that lead to Madotsuki's room, a tenant stood in my way. I stopped, my empty mind suddenly presented with a need to process information. I glared at the tenant, a large woman who had a sad expression on her bloated face. "What?" I asked, a bit too rudely. I was usually never like this until I came here. I hated virtually everyone here, except for the girl who hid from the world in a lone apartment on the ninth floor.

"You're still taking care of the landlord's niece?" She asked me. I nodded. "Yes, I am. Someone has to." I said, trying to move around her. The woman moved into my way. A scowl appeared on my face as my eyes narrowed at her. She wore a long fitted dress, one that someone her size probably shouldn't be wearing. She wore more makeup than she should've, too. "God bless you. That poor girl doesn't have anyone else helping her, it's good that she has someone looking out for her." She said. I nodded.

"Yeah. Well, the food will get cold, so excuse me." I said, finally getting around her. I wonder if she thought her words were supposed to mean something to me or Madotsuki. If that woman was so *** concerned, why didn't she go visit? Why doesn't she go and try and cheer up a girl who had nothing? But if anything, the words she said to me *** me off the most.

God bless you.

God bless you? God. Could there even be a God, with all things told?

I found my way back to Madotsuki's room after climbing that dark stairwell. Opening the door slowly, I walked into her room with the plateful of food. She was sitting at her television, having moved one of the pillows she had scattered around the floor so she could sit on it. There was a second one beside her, which she patted, her eyes barely open as she played the only game she owned. A game only called Nasu.

I sat down, handing her her plate of food. She traded me the remote for the food since Nasu didn't seem to have a pause menu. I picked up in the game where she left off, trying not to allow the strange little vegetables that vaguely resembled eggplants to hit the ground by eating them with the unnamed eagle. Madotsuki began eating slowly, picking through the plate of food.

After a while, I finally missed an eggplant and the game was over. I placed the remote down. There was a long silence as I watched the young girl eat her lasagna. "Mado. Aren't you unhappy?" I asked her, my voice solemn. Her fork stopped where it was, instead grazing the top layer of lasagna, pushing the layer of pasta aside as she plunged it into sauce and meat. She shook her head slowly. I frowned. That was a blatant lie if there ever was one. "You're happy like this? Taking all those pills, sleeping all day? Being alone all the time?" I asked.

She slowly lifted the fork to her mouth, placing it between her lips as she turned her eyes towards me with a nod. Her eyes were barely open, only slits of umber peeking out from under her eyelashes. A frown overwhelmed my expression. I guess there was no helping it, then. She finished her plate, placing it on my lap. "How about sometime I get you a VCR and some movies? That way you can actually watch something on your TV instead of only having this game to play?" I asked. Madotsuki didn't respond. I kept my gaze fixed on her, hoping she'd respond. Nothing as usual.

I stood up, placing the plate on the desk and glancing at the first line of her diary. She never wrote what she did during the day in this book. Only what she dreamed. I tried not to read the entries, but this line caught my eye.

Day 16, Month April  
I like it better in my dreams. I don't feel bad when I'm asleep.

I turned my eyes from the diary, placing the plate down on the desk, sitting in her chair. I slid the plate over towards the TV set where she continued playing Nasu. She quickly got bored though, walking towards her bed but stopping prematurely at the corner of her desk. Madotsuki reached over, plucking a choice few pills from the ones scattered around the bottles, popping them into her mouth. She didn't even bother with getting a drink, she just swallowed them all dry.

"Goodnight." I said to Madotsuki, my tone bitter and distant as she laid down on her bed, pulling the sheets over herself. An arcing motion, a whooshing of wind and she was gone. Covered by her sheets and her dreams. I glared at those *** pills. Who could I blame? The psychiatrist? Madotsuki's aunt and uncle for sending her there? The pills? Madotsuki? She was trapped. Trapped in herself, in her dreams. In this apartment.

I looked to her dream diary, my eyes downcast. If only that accident had never happened, this vicious cycle would've never started. If only she hadn't lost her family. Maybe then she'd be able to smile again. To have lived a normal life.

I didn't bother reading her diary. I instead stood up, heading towards that glass door that lead to the balcony. I pushed it open a bit, slipping out onto the balcony and leaving it slightly ajar. I let out a sigh as I walked towards the balcony, leaning against the cold steel railing. What a lonely view she had here. No trees as far as the eye could see. Just a city clad in the shadow of this complex. I closed my eyes, reaching into my breast pocket. From within, I drew out a beaten pack of cigarettes. This was the only place where I smoked anymore. Madotsuki's apartment got to me. It was filled with nothing but bad memories.

When I came here, I couldn't help but think about Madotsuki's parents, her family. The people who passed on nearly four years ago. Looking into the pack, I saw crumpled cigarettes and my dark blue disposable lighter. I removed a cigarette and placed it to my lips, lighting it quickly and breathing in the sweet burning nicotine. It was a flavor I couldn't savor anywhere else. A cynical, beaten smirk appeared on my face. If Madotsuki was slowly wasting away here, why shouldn't I join her?

My thoughts gravitated back to that day. The day everything came to a resounding stop. Madotsuki was only eleven at the time. There was a cookout here, at this very apartment building. Back before it was falling apart. When Madotsuki's uncle actually took care of things. Back when he had a semblance of a human heart and soul. Madotsuki's entire extended family and all of their friends would come together at this apartment for cookouts long ago. It was always such a big, fun party. One cookout, Madotsuki was having trouble getting along with the rest of her family. She was never good at talking, always stuttering her words and becoming ashamed of herself when she messed up her sentences.

But because of this, kids were teasing and making fun of her. I remember looking over and seeing one kid in particular shove her to the ground when she tried to work her way into the group. Even though she knew the others were going to make fun of her and pick on her because she was a little different from them, she put on a brave face and kept trying. But she was thrown aside while they all went off and enjoyed themselves.

I inhaled on my cigarette. I guess this was the beginning of her troubles and the beginning of my indescribable urge to try and protect Madotsuki. I knew who she was, never really spoke to her. But after seeing her show of bravery be turned aside with a cruel gesture like that... it made me mad. I went over and told Madotsuki to cheer up. "Why?" She asked me, in her sniffling, stuttering voice. I told her, Because things always get better and the bad guys never win. To prove it to her, I went over to the kid and punched him dead in the face. He was much younger than me, so it wasn't really hard to hurt him and make him cry. The adults weren't happy with me, but after explaining, they weren't as mad. They didn't approve, but they weren't going to punish me either.

Madotsuki spent the rest of the party attached to me, stuttering and trying to talk to me as much as possible. It was kind of fun, being around someone who was so interested in everything about you. Once the party ended, I walked with her family to go home. They only lived a couple streets over and didn't bother driving. Madotsuki was refusing to leave unless I walked with them, so I decided to come with for the walk.

Her parents walked ahead of us while I talked to Madotsuki. She was a bright kid, almost as smart as me while nearly five years younger. It was dark out, night had fallen hours ago. The only thing illuminating the world around us was the bare moonlight of the celestial body that hovered softly behind a veil of clouds.

As we walked, I saw a bunch of flowers growing on the grass beside road. I kneeled down beside them, pointing them out to Madotsuki. I remember what I said to this very day. Everything about that entire day... I'll never forget it. "Mado, look. These flowers here only bloom at night." I told her. She kneeled down, making sure to keep her skirt tucked under her knees.

"They're like you. A flower that blooms at a time when nothing else can. I saw you trying your hardest to be a part of that group. As long as you keep trying your best, you can bloom even when no one thinks you can." Was what I said. As a kid, I didn't understand how profound my words were. I was just speaking what I saw, without thought. At that moment, Madotsuki reached out, touching the soft petals of the flower with a gentle hand.

The moment she touched that flower was the moment I heard the most chilling sound ever. Screeching of tires, the thudding of human bodies, bones snapping and cracking.

A flash of lights, screams of pain. Contorted metal and bones.

A driver who wasn't paying attention had hit Madotsuki's family. There was a thorough investigation. The police reported that the stoplight overhead had gone out, disabling the driver from knowing that he was supposed to yield around the blind corner that Madostuki's family was crossing through. The driver was speeding and completely shattered both her parents' spinal columns and skulls, but... he didn't face any repercussions for ending the lives of Madotsuki's family and by extension, her life.

Madotsuki was first placed in an orphanage while the courts did paperwork, looking for her closest relatives to live with. In the end, they chose her uncle and aunt who owned the apartment complex. They were given the option to take guardianship of their niece. They accepted, giving her one of their apartments and taking care of her, bringing her to school and everything. At first, Madotsuki was shaken from the sudden loss of her life, but she was trying her hardest to adapt to her new surroundings.

I lowered my face to one of my hands. I always wondered where to place the fault for Madotsuki's life being this way. And I just realized where it lay. It wasn't her uncle or aunt's fault. It wasn't the psychiatrist's fault. It wasn't the pills she took, either. The blame only fell on one person's shoulders.

Mine.

That night, by walking behind her family and showing her those flowers spared her from being a part of that horrible accident. Sure, I saved her life. But what kind of life had I given her? What kind of life was this? I'd never change my decision and put her in harm's way, but... I just wish I could've done something different to change the outcome. I wish I could have gone back and altered the course of that night.

I grit my teeth. This is why I promised her parents at their grave that I would take care of their daughter. This is why I always came here after work to check up on her, to make her dinners. To keep her company and try to bring some kind of happiness to her life. Because this was all my fault.


	2. Stepping into the Mist

This was where I loved being. In the dark recluse of my bedsheets, where my breaths filled the air and brought a haze to my mind. Thinking was bad; the more I thought, the more I remembered. Every time he came here, all I could think of was the past.

Did I hate that Makoto was here? I couldn't say that... he took care of me. I appreciated that. He always took care of me. But whenever I looked at him, it all came rushing back. I let my eyes finally droop shut, the veil of sleep finally falling over myself as the medicines kicked in. This was all I needed; my dreams. I didn't need Makoto or the real world. Just the world under these covers.

The shadows began to wrap around me, everything blurring as I stepped into my own world.

This is exactly where I loved being.

Once the darkness had torn itself away from me, I found myself standing on the balcony. I never understood why, but whenever I fell into my dreams, I always found myself standing here. Staring out over the balcony was a city that was blurred and warped beyond recognition. Worlds upon worlds blended and coalesced below me, figments of my imagination. Where I belonged; down below. In the worlds I created. Not in this place, this tower of isolation.

My barely opened eyes turned to the right. There he was. The balcony wasn't the only thing that I saw initially when I escaped into my dreams. Whenever Makoto was in my apartment when I fell asleep, his shadow was on this balcony. I walked quietly over to him, my shoes clattering softly against the hard cement of my balcony. He always looked the same; his skin was a translucent dark gray. His face had no eyes, just a large frown. It was like the expression on a mask; a large arching frown that looked too heavy to lift.

His skin faded in and out of sight, a single cigarette dangling from his mouth, a plume of smoke drifting from it as he gazed out sadly at the horizon. My eyes turned back towards the smoke Makoto that stood on my balcony. Everything about him was the same as his real form excluding his ghostlike skin and uncanny frown. The same dark blue jeans, cyan tee. Unkempt dirty blonde hair. I had to turn away from him though, the longer I looked at him, the more unwanted memories flooded into my mind.

I stood there for a few moments. Why does he keep coming here if it makes him so sad? That frown on his face... it didn't do anything but ruin the refreshing emptiness that my dreams filled me with. Turning on a heel, I moved towards my sliding glass door. Pulling it open, I walked into my bedroom. This place was always the same, only a few differences. My game system vanishing was one example of the subtle differences from my dream world's room and my real room.

One thing that always caught my eye when I walked into my dream's bedroom was my bed. There was always a slowly moving bulge in my sheets, the size of a human. I walked over to it, gripping the edge of the sheet's material with white hands. I always hesitated before I did this. I was never sure what'd be under the sheets. Tearing the sheets off, all I saw was a lump of shadows, writhing around on themselves. No shape, no form. Just darkness that seemed to be in some kind of pain.

I threw the sheet back over it. That fit me well enough. As I walked towards the door that lead out of my apartment, I flicked on the television set. Flickering and then a white symbol appeared, flickering and static filling the room. I stopped before reaching for the doorknob, though. In the real world, leaving my apartment was something I couldn't bring myself to do anymore. The world outside of my apartment in the real world was a place I didn't enjoy anymore. The sun's warmth and people's smiles wore on me. There wasn't anymore happiness for me and seeing everyone else's cheer would only help sink me deeper into my depression.

But this door didn't lead to the outside world. It lead to somewhere else; a place I wanted to be. An inner world, a world within my dreams. With a deep breath of anticipation, I grabbed the doorknob and twisted, thrusting the door open. As soon as I did that, I braced myself.

This was always the toughest part of my dreams; enduring the travel through the Nexus. It was strange; I never understood it. Grasping shadows rushed at me, pulling me from my apartment and into a torrent of rushing umbra. Strange figures and doors began rushing by me, images of figures that I could only call aztec glaring at me from behind the all consuming black surroundings.

As I hurtled through the darkness, I saw my destination approaching. A singular door. Each time it was a different one, there were too many for me to even count. The Nexus never forced me to enter a single door, but it always dropped me in front of one. One that corresponded to where my mind wanted me to be. Looking over my shoulder, a myriad of other doors stood, various designs inscribed on each of them.

They all looked like they were bending towards me, growing closer. Beckoning me to venture through the door in front of myself. The door before me was a deep viridian, the edges inlaid with a dark crimson. As the lids of my eyes fell, the door before me slowly creaked open without a single touch. A soft fog rolled through the doorway, the crisp scent of rain on the air. Walking through the door's frame, it shut behind me, fading out as I stepped through it.

Here I was, the place where my mind wanted me to be. All around me was a dark forest, trees densely packed together. There was barely enough space between the trees to venture out of the path laid before me. Exploring didn't matter to me, though. All I wanted was escape. Nothing bothered me as long as I didn't have to feel the ache of the real world.

As long as I could feel this empty, nothing mattered. Makoto's sadness, my past, the tower that I was trapped in looming behind me over my shoulder. I could feel it's overwhelming presence, forcing its presence heavily against my back, urging my footsteps forward even more. The mist before me obscured my sight ahead, keeping what lie in front of me a secret.

The worlds within my mind were often the same, but each time they seemed to change a little. I didn't understand why, but it had always been like that. This fog was an example of that. I've been to these forests before, walked down the paths and seen what this dream world had to offer. Maybe deep inside me, the small changes to my dreams meant that I wanted change? Even if I did, life had crushed any will I had to change things. The small changes in my dream worlds probably did reflect that dying desire, trying to resurrect itself from the depths of my heart. I planned to ignore it, though. No amount of change would fix what has already happened.

I put that all aside though, emptying my mind as I walked through the forest's soft paths, enjoying the scent of the wet forest. As the forest widened and the path opened, I found myself looking at a wide street in the distance. As I gazed at the street, the trees here began to blur, a small buzzing growing in the back of my head. I placed a hand to my forehead, cringing as the buzzing noise began to grow, filling my head with a strange kind of pain. This... I hadn't experienced this before. What was going on?

I dropped to my knees as the pain surged, the cold wet grass pressing against the skin of my knees. Everything was shaking around me, strange bells chiming in with the indescribable buzzing filling my ears. What was going on? Why were my dreams doing this to me? The pain grew as the bells became louder, causing me to drop my head to the grass, cupping my hands over my ears.

I wanted to scream Stop it! but no words would come forth. All I could feel was the world shaking around me, the tremors shaking even my existence. It wouldn't stop, the quakes becoming more and more violent.

And as soon as the earthquakes and sounds had filled my senses, they stopped immediately. It left me with nothing but a coarse feeling and the silence I desired.

My breaths became shallow and fast as if I had winded myself from running. Trembling, I clambered to my feet. Looking up, my vision was blurred, afterimages moving all around me. I was completely disoriented, I could feel my balance giving way as my body swayed from side to side. But one thing in front of me didn't shift out of place like everything else did. A tall man's back, wearing a cyan shirt and dark blue jeans, walking away from me. Smoke trailed from his face as whoever he was walked away from me. Makoto?

I stumbled towards him, wondering what he was doing outside of the world that had trapped my real self. How was he here? He shouldn't be in my dreams... I followed him while stumbling as he head out of the forest. As I neared the edge of the forest and exited the path onto the street, I stumbled over a curb and toppled into a sea of black asphalt.

I winced, scraping my knees against the rough material. I grimaced and climbed to my feet. This wasn't like my normal dreams, quiet and filled with things that kept my mind off of my real life. This was just unpleasant. Blood trickled down my knees as I stood and looked around. I was in the middle of a massive street, dense trees barricading me in on each side. They were taller than I remembered them being when I was walking through the forest. My half closed eyes had to open further as I realized they were fading in and out of sight, being replaced by distant buildings.

The buzzing in the back of my head had nearly vanished altogether, but it was still there. It sounded like my television in my bedroom, the one without channels. Soft static. My widened eyes fell to half-shut again as I turned and began walking towards the left of where I had tripped out of the forest. There was a plume of smoke hanging in the air, leading away into the mist. I wanted to follow it. I knew it lead to Makoto's shadow and I wanted to know what it was doing here.

As I followed the tail of smoke along the median, I realized that my footsteps were deviating. I stopped and looked around. I wasn't sure if I had changed direction from the median I was following or if the street had changed its angle on me. I looked backwards and didn't see any change in the street's direction. When had I turned? I shook my head, taking a deep breath as I continued following the median. This dream was quickly becoming troublesome. After a while, the street came to an abrupt cliff. Sitting on the edge of the cliff, facing away from me was the figure who I saw in the forest. Behind him was a bike, standing by it's kickstand perpendicular from him.

Was it really Makoto's shadow? My eyes widened as my heart beat faster . This was something that had never happened before in my dreams. Makoto's shadow never ventured out past the balcony. Nothing ever changed here, which was what I liked the most about it within my dreams. Everything was vague and hard to understand, allowing me to explore places without having to think about anything.

This... these changes in my dreams meant something. And I didn't like it. I stood behind Makoto, the bike between me and his back. He was sitting at the edge of the cliff, his legs dangling over the edge. Shadow Makoto raised a hand to his face, blowing a cloud of smoke out over the edge and keeping the cigarette between his fingers.

I wanted to call out to him, ask him why he was here. But I didn't want to. One thing that my dreams always did to me was something that always prevented me from talking here, asking the creatures within my mind what they meant. I guess that was a safety measure I had created subconsciously; after all, this world of escape wasn't meant to be understood or questioned. Just enjoyed.

But this... I had to ask.

My voice begun in the base of my throat, starting as a gentle hum.

Mmm...

Makoto's back tensed up as my voice's hum broke the silence of the dark road clad in fog. Should I stop? I shook my head, closing my eyes and mustering up the strength to speak. Just this once.

"Mmm... M-ma-makoto?" I stuttered as my body was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that I hadn't felt in forever. Embarrassment, self-consciousness. A feeling of stupidity at my stuttering, faltering voice. The stutter of my past. At my speech, Makoto turned his translucent gray face towards me. That same frown that I saw him wearing on my balcony was still plastered to his face, but there was something different about him this time.

Slits of gray stretched across where his eyes should be, creating two slivers of what seemed like closed eyes to me. They slowly opened, forming half crescents of gray that were aimed downwards. He raised his hand, bringing his cigarette back to his frown. It dangled just outside of his mask-like expression, an inch from his face. He inhaled, the tip of the cigarette burning as his dark gray skin filled with dusty smoke. Makoto's shadow stood up, turning towards me.

Through unseen nostrils, smoke unfurled, clouding his face. I held my hands at my chest, my heart thudding heavily against the inside of my ribcage. My stutter... it made me feel vulnerable. It made me feel like a little child again, not a teenager. It made me feel like Makoto was judging me with those downcast eyes. As I stared at him, the cloud of smoke began to form letters in the air.

Ride.

Ride? A look of confusion crossed my face as I looked towards the bike he was pointing to. I opened my mouth, wanting to speak, but I decided against it. I had already broken one of my rules, I wasn't about to do it a second time. Makoto's shadow turned away from me, his head tilted down as he looked over the edge of the cliff. I couldn't, but I wanted to ask him something else.

"W...why. Wh-why do y-you... keep v-v-isiting me?" I stammered out loudly, clenching my eyes shut. Even if I stuttered, I had to ask him why he kept visiting him if it made him so sad. But my stutter... There was little that I hated more than that damned stutter. I had corrected the stutter long ago in the real world, but it persisted here. In the real world, it was a hindrance that ostracized me from everyone else. Only in my dreams did it still haunt me. Although it reminded me of a past I'd rather forget, my dreams was the only place where my stutter really had a use. It kept me from talking, to avoid this feeling I was experiencing right now. That way I couldn't question my dreams, only enjoy them.

I heard Makoto's shadow heave a sigh and another cloud of smoke surrounded his head. I looked up, opening my eyes. The words had already formed in the smoke, answering my question.

It's what you want.

It's what I want? Why...? No, I wouldn't want anyone to be sad because of me. I just wanted to be left alone... I wanted to fade away. I wanted to know why he kept coming despite it making himself sad. I didn't want him to suffer because of my suffering. That wasn't what I wanted. I didn't understand. Was Makoto's shadow even a part of my dream? He felt separate, distant from me. It felt like Makoto had somehow snuck himself into my dream. But could that even be possible?

The rain around us kept falling as I opened my mouth to force out my next question. I was stopped though as Makoto's shadow laughed, low and bitterly. He took a step forward, springing off the edge with the foot that wasn't over the edge. My heart leaped into my throat as he leaped off of the cliff. I dashed forward, dropping to my knees and looking over the edge with wide eyes. I searched frantically to see where Makoto had gone, seeing nothing but a deep veil of hazy fog.

Wait. Why was I acting like this? This was just a dream. That wasn't the real Makoto. That was just a shadow within my dreams, a figment of my imagination portrayed in my dreams. A stupid smile appeared on my face as I chuckled at myself. I was just being an idiot. That meant nothing. He didn't die. He was just a shadow of the real Makoto. That's all I'd have to keep telling myself. I wasn't going to get worried. Even if the last person who cared about me did die, why would it bother me? I had already lost everything, I was used to it by now.

I still didn't understand why my dreams brought him here, though. I turned towards the bike, climbing atop it and shoving the kickstand up with my foot. I began riding down the road, keeping at a steady pace and following the meridian. I didn't want to look at the trees on either side of the road, they kept shifting in and out of existence, being replaced by buildings that looked all too familiar.

As I rode my bike, even the grass began to shift and phase out of my dream's structure, being replaced by sidewalks. I ignored it though, focusing on emptying my mind and enjoying my bike ride through the rain. Makoto's shadow had one thing right at least. This was refreshing. Eyes closed, riding through the light drizzle of rain. It felt nice on my face, so I let an uncharacteristic smile sneak onto my face. It helped numb the pain in my knees too, so I kept peddling softly through the street.

This was the way my dreams should be. Nice, calming. A place to keep me from thought and the bitterness that filled my waking hours. I let out a sigh, raising my face to greet the rainfall's kisses, enjoying every moment of this dream. I wished that this part of my dream would never end, just repeat endlessly until I woke up.

Suddenly an ear-splitting sound filled my surroundings. A squealing of tires and surreal snapping sound echoed throughout my dream, causing my eyes to snap open. As I opened them, a bright light rushed at me, the sound of a car's roaring engine assaulting my ears. I let loose a scream instinctively as I slammed on the brakes, causing my bike to start skidding on the wet asphalt of the forest's road. My horror intensified as I slid towards the car, my screaming increasing in volume as a red sedan hurtled towards me without any signs of swerving or slowing.

The car flew through me without harm, but the clenching on my brakes caused my bike to finally stop, the inertia throwing my from my bike. I rolled across the wet asphalt, finally tumbling to a stop as my bike clattered off in the distance. With a groan, I lay on the ground for a few moments. My body was sore from the fall, despite that this was a dream. I kept my eyes closed, hoping to fall asleep again and return to my real dreams. Everything that had been happening, the pain, the confusion... this wasn't like my normal dreams. My dreams were a bit unnerving at times, but mostly were just odd and empty with the occasional strange dream creature.

This, on the other hand... this was unpleasant.

I climbed to my feet again, standing up. I turned around to see the red sedan stopped, the muffler pouring out the fog that surrounded me thickly now. The trees and grass around me finally decided on a form instead of phasing between two existences. All around me were warped and crooked buildings, a granite gray. The lush grass had settled on harsh concrete, the sky blackened and without stars or a moon.

I sighed and turned my eyes forward, my eyelids half lowered, obscuring my vision. As I walked forward, the fog peeled itself back a bit, exposing what made my heart stop. Two bodies beneath a sparking stoplight, two people off to the side of the road, kneeling before a row of white flowers. This memory... I knew what this was.

I walked towards the two bodies, knowing who they belonged to. As I approached them slowly, my body aching from scrapes and cuts from falling, the two people to the side of the road turned their faces towards me. Two shadow figures, each with translucent dark gray skin. Neither of them wore clothes, only showing their crouched forms. One had dirty blonde hair, the other dark brown and braided pig-tails. On their faces were two comical smiles, stretching from each side of their face and aimed at me. It felt disgusting looking at them, so I turned away.

All that was left was the mangled bodies laying before me. I looked down. I had this dream every now and then, but never like this. Never with Makoto's shadow telling me to ride my way here, or this vivid. The two figures beneath me wore muddied clothes, but I could still tell their hues. The man wore an open collared gray button-up, a white shirt beneath it, and plain blue jeans.

Besides him was a woman wearing a long pastel pink dress, long brown hair tainted by the blood that pooled around her and the man. Their skin was tinged a disgusting green, having been left to rot in the rain in the middle of the road. Their bodies twisted, arms bent back in ways they shouldn't have been able to. Their skulls were cracked open and leaking the blood that filled the streets. Their legs were mangled as well, their clothes torn in places where their bodies had been struck by the red sedan. I kneeled down between them, looking to each of their faces. Empty. No expression. No eyes, no mouth, no ears, no nose. Nothing. I stood up, stepping away from the two corpses. With open eyes, I stared upwards at the black sky that poured water down from above from it's void-like mouth.

Of course I wouldn't be able to remember my parents' faces. That accident had happened nearly four years ago. After all the misery, pain and medicine, how could I expect to remember them?

Through the silence, I heard strange muffled and frantic voices. Lowering my eyes towards to two corpses, I saw more shadow figures, this time wheeling a gurney that was covered by a thick sheet towards an ambulance. What...? There was a survivor? My mind began to fill with memories, as I tried to remember that accident. This didn't make sense. Wasn't there only two people killed? It was just my parents who were killed in that accident.

I felt the dull ache of sadness creeping back into my body as I thought more. I knew I was getting closer to the answer because my heart was starting to feel heavier with each passing moment of thought. But this was something I couldn't ignore, just like how Makoto's shadow had somehow found it's way outside of my balcony. This had never happened before in any of my dreams. I never remembered seeing an ambulance here before. The shadow figures were dressed like medics, but they ignored my two parents who were lay dead on the street. Forgotten and forsaken, it seemed.

But who was it in the gurney? As they slammed the door shut and drove away, the mist peeled away and revealed a strange world ahead of the wide street I stood on. The city around me turned back to an isolated forest, the sidewalks becoming grass again all of a sudden. Off in the distance, a monochrome world with a black road fading into the distance revealed itself.

A sudden realization hit me as I stood there, pondering in the rain at what this all meant.

My parents were the only ones who were killed in the accident.

My younger sister survived the crash, but was in critical condition as a result of the accident.

As I remembered this, a wave of despair overwhelmed me. To add to it, the return of my memories spurred a new addition to my dreams. Before me, a mist began to rise from the corpses that lay on the street. As the mist rose, it took shape, forming two bodies. Two figures. I stared at the mist, wondering what was going to form from the mist.

What took shape before me caused jaw to drop and my eyes begin to tear up. My parents, clear as day stood before me, holding hands. My father, wearing the same exact clothes from that day he died and my mother before him. They were smiling at me, my dad's ochre eyes looking at me amiably as he adjusted his glasses. My mother's eyes were a lighter brown, but just as warm as my fathers. I stepped forward, the tears in my eyes growing as I stretched out my hands.

There was nothing more that I wanted than to be held by them. Now and forever. I had resigned to forgetting about them and everything for so long, but after all the pain... all I needed was that warm embrace from my two parents. My steps were childlike and weak, my body overcome by the sadness that permeated me from forgetting about them and then remembering all of a sudden.

With my third step forward, I heard a rushing of wind. I looked up, seeing a person falling from the sky. What in the world? I stopped in my tracks as a figure fell from above, crouching upon landing. Once the figure had straightened, I realized it was Makoto's shadow. His frown and downcast eyes separated me from the people who I desired to be with so badly. He stood between me and my parents. What was he doing? He held a single outstretched hand towards me, an item clenched in his hand. What was it?

His fingers unfurled, revealing a small item that dangled from a chain on a keyring. A small stoplight with a button atop it. I reached towards it, taking it from his hand. As I closed my fingers around it, a glow of light escaped my fingers. As I opened my hand, the stoplight was gone. Looking to Makoto's shadow, a plume of smoke escaped from beneath his layer of translucent gray skin as his hands reached out towards me. Both hands clenched around my shoulders as he leaned in towards me, placing his forehead against mine. Despite being a shadow, his touch was still warm. As he rested his forehead against mine, time seemed to stop. Nothing moved, nothing breathed. It felt like forever that Makoto's sad shadow kept his forehead pressed against mine. Then I heard his sad voice fill my ears.

It's time to wake up.

With those words, everything began to tear away from me in strips, flying away on an unseen wind. No, no no no! I was so close to them again! I looked up at shadow Makoto's frowning expression, wondering why he was doing this to me. I was so close to my parents. I could see them just past his face, waving to me as the world was torn to ribbons, removing everything around me. After everything had been peeled away, all that remained was Makoto. He stood with me in a world of darkness, eventually turning to a wisp of smoke and vanishing.

My eyes finally opened.

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I was laying on my back, my blankets not pulled over me like they always were. Instead, they were pulled down to around my midsection. As I blinked, I heard the sound of a closing door and sat up, looking towards the balcony. It was opened wider than normal. Makoto probably had forgotten to close it the right way after finishing his cigarette. I looked out to the balcony and realized that it was dark. Had he just left? How long had I been asleep? I had no idea anymore, I didn't have a clock in my room. Only a diary to help account for the days.

Looking to my diary, it was closed. Makoto had been reading it again. It didn't bother me, I always left it open in case he wanted to read it. He went through the trouble and pain of taking care of me, he deserved to at least know what was going on in my mind. I didn't talk to him or anyone else, so it was my way of conversing with him. I felt that I owed him that much. I sat up, hopping out of bed and pulling up my socks. They had gotten lowered while I slept, which annoyed me.

As I got up, I walked out to the balcony. The moon slightly illuminated the features of my nondescript balcony. The only things that stood out from normal was the pile of cigarettes that were stubbed out against the railing in a neat line. The last one wasn't stubbed, though. It was left lit, burning slightly above the filter. I walked over to the cigarette, looking at it inquisitively. It was Makoto's bad habit, the one he kicked a long time ago.

He told me long ago that he used to smoke because he was really lonely long ago. That it was his 'crutch', a thing to keep him going through the day. A source of motivation, he told me. That at the end of the day, everything was worth the trouble as long as he had that cigarette dangling from his mouth. Did I make him feel that lonely again?

I didn't know, but I didn't think that it was right for him to suffer alone, even if I forced myself to. He was too nice of a person. I picked up the cigarette, placing it to my lips. I'd suffer his same habit as long as I made him this lonely. Even if we didn't talk to each other, we understood one another really well. I always left my diary out for him to read and he always left his last cigarette burning on the railing for me. I think it was his way of telling me that as long as I toughed it out another day, I'd have that cigarette waiting for me.

I coughed as I inhaled the smoke. I was never used to smoking, but it was something I always did. I guess it was also my way of trying to be closer to Makoto. Speaking of Makoto... words were never a part of my dreams. No matter how many days I had spent sleeping, I never heard anything more than muffled sounds or strange sounds from the people and creatures I came across in my dream worlds.

But those sad words... were they Makoto's?

I placed a hand to my forehead.

It was warm.


	3. Sleepwalking

I folded up my apron, tossing it onto the counter as I walked around it and out of the kitchen. My shift had finally ended. "Alright, see you guys later. Have fun without me." I said with a laugh as my friends at work waved to me as I left. I had a simple job and a simpler life, everything was pretty pleasant. I made good money since the shop I worked for was a family-owned restaurant and they gave me a pretty decent wage for a chef. They were a lot more concerned with their employees than those retail stores and branch restaurants, so I couldn't complain that I was making such a steady wage. I unbuttoned my top collar, taking in a deep breath as I stepped into the sun.

Such a nice day out. I reached into my pocket, looking to my phone. It was turned to silent so I wouldn't lose my focus while cooking. I had a couple of unread text messages. Most were from friends asking me what my plans were for the rest of today. I don't know why they bothered asking, most of my good friends knew what I spent most of my day after work doing. It was the night that they were really asking about, really. I was more of a night owl thanks to spending most of my day at Madotsuki's. Where I spent my day hours at Mado's apartment, I spent the nights at pubs and restaurants with friends. I usually needed some good socializing after being at Mado's. It wasn't her fault, but it was a draining responsibility I tasked myself with.

I read the texts, shooting out a couple short responses. As I unlocked my hunter green sedan, my eyes stopped on a text that was titled from a person I hadn't heard from in a long time. "Masada". My body locked up as I opened the text, standing outside my car's open door as I read it. It was succinct and to the point. "How is she?" I scratched the back of my head. I didn't feel like explaining it to him. Or at least, I didn't feel like it right now.

I began typing out my response. "She's fine, I think. I'll explain to you another day, I'm heading over to her place right now." I said, sending and closing my phone, keeping it on silent. I didn't want to be texting or talking with Masada while at Mado's. Odds are she'd get curious and I didn't need that. I wrapped my fingers around my steering wheel, tapping the rhythmically as I turned my thoughts to more important things. For instance; what was I going to make Mado today for dinner?

I had made her a bunch of things from scratch over the course of the week, sometimes her meals made from leftover dishes I had taken from the little restaurant that I had just departed. I snapped to myself as a thought went through my head. She'd been eating so much hand-made food that some fast food would probably be a nice change. After all, everyone needed a little bit of unhealthy food from time to time. I plunged my keys into the ignition, turning it and listening to the soft rumble of my car's engine. Shifting into reverse and accelerating, I backed out of the parking lot and maneuvered my car onto the streets.

As I drove to Mado's, I approached the burger place I wanted to stop at to buy some food. Driving into the drive-through, a loud voice blared over the microphone built into the enormous menu. "HELLO MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER." The person practically shouted in one fluid breath, causing me to cringe. "Yeah, just give me a minute, still deciding." I told them in a normal human's tone, causing them to shout back to me. "OKAY TAKE YOUR TIME." I wasn't sure what Mado wanted as I perused the menu. I hadn't actually ever been to a fast food place with her or ever brought her any fast food.

I guess I'd wing it. "I'll... uh, take one of each thing?" I said, in more of a questioning tone than a certain one. I shrugged to myself. I was pretty well off financially, I didn't have much I wanted and had a penchant for saving and thrifty shopping. Spending a bunch of money on Madotsuki to make sure she got something she wanted wasn't too big of a deal to me. "THAT'LL TURN OUT TO FIFTY DOLLARS AND EIGHTY CENTS. NEXT WINDOW PLEASE." The voice shouted while I was mid-thought. "Thanks." I mumbled, driving to the next window. Spending money on Madotsuki wasn't a big deal to me whatsoever. Hell, if I could just empty my bank accounts and have her suddenly be ok again, I would.

Things could never be that easy or simple, though.

After waiting some time for my hefty order to be completed, they handed me a single giant paper bag. "Only one person...?" The guy at the register asked, peering into my empty car. I grinned. "Yeah, I'm going to a party with a group of friends, they wanted me to bring food so they're getting a mix bag." I said. The cashier chuckled as he took my money, handing me back a couple dollars in change. "Thanks." I said, rolling up my window and heading to Madotsuki's house.

The impeding feeling of dread had been crawling up the skin of my back as I grew closer to the apartment complex. I wasn't sure what I hated more; the apartment complex she lived in or the bitter ache seeing Madotsuki in this state put me through. I really preferred when she was a little stuttering kid who pushed her way through every little obstacle that life put in her way. I parked my car outside of the apartment complex, turning off the engine and placing my chin on the steering wheel. I think that life broke that spirit of her when it started beating her to death with those metaphorical obstacles. I pivoted on my chin, looking out my windshield and up at the apartment complex. She's gone through way too much far too early in her life.

Well, no use in waiting out here. The poor kid was probably hungry. I grabbed the bag of food and patted my pockets to make sure I had everything I needed. Wallet, keys and the little gift I had gotten for Mado. Everything was all check. I locked my door and slammed it shut, heading towards the apartment complex's entrance. Despite the usual sense of melancholy this place draped over me and the neighborhood, I was feeling a bit stronger than usual. Maybe it was because I was harboring an optimistic and silly plan.

I found my way up the stairs without a semblance of thought, passing by one or two of the other inhabitants of the complex. I stared at the outside of Mado's door, the letters 9-A on it in brass. I don't get why they bothered putting the A on there when it's the only room on the ninth floor. I knocked on the door. "Mado, it's me. Makoto." I said, already reaching into my pocket to grab the keys to her apartment so I could let myself in. She was always asleep at this hour.

Click. I paused, dumbfounded. What was that sound? Then the doorknob started to turn. My eyes widened. What in the world...? It opened just a crack, Madotsuki looking up at me through the crack with tired eyes. She stared at me for just a moment, turning around and then disappearing back into her room. I stood there, shocked. I couldn't think to formulate some kind of sentence to greet her with when she opened the door. I could only stand there confused. She'd never opened the door for me before.

I pushed the door open, walking in and closing it behind me. Mado was sitting in front of her television, her game system on and NASU playing on her TV set. Normally her eyes were either half shut or completely closed. But right now her eyes were wide open, completely focused on the mindless game before her. I walked in, setting down the bag of food on the desk besides her bed.

"Mado? Is something the matter?" I asked her, kneeling next to her. She didn't look to me or break her focus from the game. I looked over to the television set, watching her play. Her high score was ridiculously high, 5130 points. I knew from playing the game myself that every falling eggplant were worth a miniscule amount of points, in the two digit area. The occasional bouncing eggplant yielded more points, but still not that much. For her to get that high of a score was kind of insane.

I looked over to her. She didn't say anything to me, ignoring me completely in lieu of focusing on her game. Her expression was strange, it looked like she wastrying to keep her eyes open. "Hey, Mado. Look at me." I told her, not getting a response from her. I kept my eyes trained on her visage, inspecting her features. Her eyes were straining and her pupils were dilated to practically a pinpoint thin circle. Had she slept recently? She was always sleeping so I found it hard to believe she hadn't slept, but I still felt a tinge of concern.

I stood up and walked towards her television, turning it off. "Madotsuki, listen to me. I've got a couple simple questions I've got to ask. Have you been taking your medicine?" That was my first question. She looked at me irately at first, seeing as I probably caused a game-over for her in NASU. She then slowly nodded, her wide eyes focused on my face. "Have you slept lately?" Came my second question. Some of her medicines actually made her drowsy and others required her to sleep after taking. If she hadn't been sleeping, then she was straining her body and harming herself. Plus, I had looked up some of her medicine's after-effects. Some of them included hallucinations if she didn't sleep, whereas when she did sleep, they increased the vividness of her dreams.

She didn't answer me. I kneeled down in front of her. "Tell me." I said, more firmly than last time. Mado didn't shake or nod her head, just kept staring at me emptily. I couldn't even tell what she was seeing when she was looking at me, her eyes seemed like they were staring through me. I reached out to her, placing my hand on her head, causing her to cringe and instinctively pull back. "Stop moving." I said as I moved closer to her, raising my other hand.

Her eyes closed and a muffled squeak snuck its way out of her throat. Did I frighten her? She completely froze up and was clenching her eyes shut. "Hey, I need your eyes open or I can't check something, Mado." I said in a reassuring voice with a frown. Did she think I was going to hit her? She opened her eyes slowly and I angled her head up towards the ceiling light. Moving my hand in front of her eyes, I moved them out of the way again. I was inspecting the pupils of her eyes. They weren't responding well to the light and her pupils had barely changed in response to the differing light levels.

"Why haven't you been sleeping?" I asked Madotsuki as I ruffled her hair and pulled my hand away. She looked towards the fringe of her skirt, trying to avoid meeting my sight. "Did you have a bad dream or something?" I asked, finally achieving a slow nod from her. "Well, bad dreams or not, you really need to get sleep. You should go to bed now, actually." I said. This time she shook her head fervently. "Why not?" I asked and she was silent for a few moments. I shouldn't actually expect her to answer complicated questions like that. She didn't care for communicating with people outside of nods and shakes.

Just as I turned to stand up, she reached out and tugged on my sleeve. I furrowed my brow at first, confused. Then it clicked. "Oh, I get it. You don't want to go to sleep now because I'm here?" I asked, feeling a faint smile grow on my face. If that's what she meant, then that was the closest thing to her ever actually thanking me for coming around and taking care of her. Just knowing she appreciating or enjoying the fact I was here was enough of a thank you for me. She didn't nod her head, but I had a feeling that was what she meant. Her thin fingers let go of my sleeve slowly and I moved towards the bag of fast food I had picked up earlier for her. "How about this. After we eat, you go to sleep?" I asked as I looked back from the desk towards Mado. Her eyes slipped half-shut from wide open, so I took that as a sign that she would do as I asked.

I walked back to where Mado sat next to her "I grabbed one of everything on the menu because I wasn't sure what you wanted." I said at first, dumping the bag onto her carpet and pulling up a pillow for myself to sit on. After a few moments of deliberate stillness, Madotsuki began sorting through all the wrapped up sandwiches and closed packages of fries, wondering what to eat. "I usually don't eat dinner with you, but I definitely bought too much food." I said as I popped open a container of fries, placing one in my mouth. "Even if I were to put some in the fridge as leftovers, there'd be too much. You don't mind me eating with you, do you?" I asked Mado with a small smirk. Madotsuki's hand stopped on what I think was a chicken sandwich.

She tossed it towards me, it landing on my lap. Another of her silent confirmations. She never spoke, never really stopped moving. Everything was fluid and without thought. Sometimes it felt like she wasn't even aware of me being here. Like I was invisible or something. But the small movements she made, sometimes a sideways glance at me through her half-closed eyes assured me she knew I was here. We ate quietly. I didn't have much to say and even if I spoke, there wasn't much she'd say in response.

She seemed a little more lively as she ate though, I suppose. Normally she played with her food, but for some reason she didn't this time. She just picked out what she thought looked good while keeping her eyes lowered and focused on where I sat with my legs folded. I ate the chicken sandwich she threw me as well as some crazy huge triple-decker sandwich that was rife with pickles, onions and all sorts of condiments. Looking over at Mado, she seemed to prefer the plainest sandwiches, rubbing off the ketchup and mustard from the buns with napkins. After a while, I stood up with a stretch.

"I'm full, so I'm gonna have a smoke out on your balcony, alright? It'll only be a couple minutes." I told her as I walked by, patting her on the head. She didn't say anything, so I didn't stop walking as I head for the sliding glass door. Out on the balcony, I took in a deep breath. Just like here was the only place I smoked towards the end of the day, Mado's apartment was the only place that I felt the need to smoke after a meal. I reached into my shirt's breast pocket, fetching the pack of cigarettes that I only ever used here.

My friends asked me why I had them. I always told them I don't smoke. And I don't, really. Just here. This place feels like a whole other world and I honestly feel different when I'm here too. I looked over my shoulder at Mado, who was still focusing on the ground while eating. I wondered what kind of dream she had that caused her to not want to sleep. She had been through a lot ever since her parents died. As I leaned over the railing, I slammed my palm against the bottom of the pack, forcing the tobacco in the cigarettes to pack against the filter. Made the first puff that much better.

I placed the cigarette to my lip, lighting it and inhaling deeply. I looked out over the city as I held the burning smoke in my lungs. Actually, I don't think it was Mado's parents dying that really did her in emotionally. I removed the cigarette from my lips, letting the smoke out of my mouth, blowing little smoke rings through the air and towards the city's shrinking horizon. I placed the cigarette back to my mouth and let it dangle there. No, it probably wasn't really her parents that began to crush her spirit. It was most likely her sister's condition after the crash that began this transformation into what she is now.

Her parents were killed because they were caught head on by the crash. Madotsuki's sister Monoko was caught as the driver swerved. She was glanced by the car, but even so, she took a lot of damage. Both her arms were broken because she was at fender level. She was young, so she wasn't very tall. A lot of her upper body took the brunt of the damage. Thanks to her height, she took massive cranial trauma from the blow of the car. She was put on life support and they had to do all kinds of invasive surgery to help relieve the hemorrhaging in her skull.

I remember the day that Mado got to go and visit her sister for the first time after all of the surgeries. I was with her, she had her uncle call my parents so she herself could ask if I'd be able to come with. I think she wanted my support that day. I don't know what kind of support I was, because all she did was keep her tiny hand wrapped around mine while she stared at what her sister had become. Monoko's eyes were lax, her breathing struggled and pained sounding. Tubes connected her to every kind of life support imaginable; medicine, food, breathing, even tubes that allowed her to go to the bathroom. Mado at first tried to get Monoko to respond, to say something to her. I remember her words, they stung my heart that day.

"Hey, M-m-monoko. I-it's y-y-your older sister. D-d-don't you want to s-s-ay hi to me?" She asked, her stutters shaking more than normal. Monoko didn't say anything. She only kept wheezing as her little chest heaved, machines pumping her lungs full of artificial breaths. I wasn't even related to Monoko or Madotsuki's family and I couldn't help but to feel immense pain at the sight of poor Monoko. She was drooling from the corner of her mouth, the only space in her mouth where a tube wasn't shoved into her throat. Her eyes were drifting from place to place, not focusing on a single thing she gazed at.

I remember looking over at Mado's shaky smile as she reached out to her sister's hand, squeezing it and hoping for a response. I think we waited there for a half hour, listening to Madotsuki's gentle coaxing of her sister, trying to get some kind of response. After so long and such futile attempts, the only thing Monoko did was shed a single tear.

It was then that I remember Mado's smile fade and her eyes close halfway, shutting out the world around her. Right after Monoko shed that single tear of conscious pain.

A month rolled by and after piles of paperwork, the doctors gave permission to Madotsuki's aunt and uncle to decide whether or not to pull the plug on Monoko. She had shown no brain activity, no response to stimuli. She was essentially living dead; impartial to the world around her. The aunt and uncle weren't sure if they had the right to decide something so important, so they left the choice to Madotsuki.

I don't think that any child around that young of an age should be put through such a choice. She again asked for me to come with her and her guardians. This time though, Madotsuki wanted the only person besides her to be in the room to be me. I sat there and watched Mado experience one of the most painful moments of her life. She clutched her sister's hand the entire time while they turned off the life support. At first, the wheezing was quieted. Then her body started to shudder a little from the lack of oxygen. The shudder persisted until those glazed over eyes of Monoko's finally closed after a single sigh of breath escaped her collapsed lungs. From that moment on, Mado's persistent cheerfulness finally jaded. Her eyes lost their spark and began to hide from the world.

My mind finally floated back to the past. I had been so deep in thought, I had burned the cigarette dangling from my mouth to the filter without taking more than a single puff from it. I sighed, looking to it and flicking the three or so inches of ash from the filter, tossing the butt over the balcony's railing. I turned around and slid open the glass door that lead back into Madotsuki's little world. "Got a nice breath of air out there, you should spend more time out there." I said to Mado. She didn't move. She was kind of hunched over, actually.

I walked around to the front of her to get a look at her face. Mado's breathing was slow and steady. Looking to her face, I understood why. She had fallen asleep sitting up. I shook my head with a slight smile. She was still a kid, even though she was a teenager. Even after all the difficulties she'd experienced, she still managed to pull off being a kid in my eyes. Looking to her hand, she had a half eaten burger held in her hand. I took it from her, wrapping it up and placing it in the big bag I had brought all the food in with. I began placing all the leftovers in it, moving it away from Madotsuki. I moved the bag to her desk, pulling off her covers so that she could lay in it.

Normally, I'd wake her to tell her to go to bed, but I didn't want to disturb her too much. If she had a bad dream, the fact that she was sleeping now and sleeping so contentedly meant that she wasn't having one now. I scooped her up gently in both arms, taking care not to move her too much so she'd stay asleep. Placing her softly onto the bed, I pulled her sheets over her, up to her chin. I paused for a moment, looking at her. I decided to tuck her in, too. Sure, she was fifteen and kind of past little things like this, but I didn't care. She had lost the only people who loved her at an early age. I think it was fine to pamper her a little.

I sat down at the desk, glancing over at her journal. I wonder... did she write what caused her bad dream? I scooted over towards the middle of the desk, reading the entry. I admit I felt bad reading her diary, but she never closed it and I always did when I left. It was my signal that I had read it, that way she could tell me off if she didn't want me to read it. Yet, she never did. She just kept leaving it open for me. I wasn't sure, but I sometimes wondered if that was another of her silent signs of communication with me. I then turned my thoughts to focusing on reading the diary in front of me.

Day 17 Month April

Today's dream was horrible. And confusing. I haven't ever had a dream like this before. The first thing that happened was that Makoto's shadow managed to get off of the balcony and followed me into one of my dreams.

I paused here, reading the words 'Makoto's shadow'. I had read about this a couple times before. It seemed that in her dreams, she saw a shade of me on her balcony, smoking. It said before that I had nothing but a dark frown on my face, one that stretched across my face. Sometimes it worried me how unsettling her dreams were.

Not only that, but I managed to trip and fall. I never get hurt in my dreams. This time though, I scraped my knees. I didn't like feeling hurt... but what was worse that falling and getting hurt was watching Makoto's shadow jump off of a cliff. It worried me at first, thinking that one of the last people in my life had just killed himself. Then I realized that it was just a dream. It's hard to say what's a dream anymore, really. I sometimes get confused whether real life is real and whether my dreams are fake. Sometimes my dreams seem more realistic than when I'm awake. I feel happy, I feel relaxed. I'm not worried about leaving my apartment. When I'm awake, I don't feel anything except sad.

Either way. The absolute worst part of the dream was the very end. I found the corpses of my parents again, which didn't bother me at first. It was the fact that after I approached them, they... became my real parents. Like how they were before the accident. I had forgotten what they'd looked like so long ago and I don't have any pictures of them, either. Seeing my real parents after being alone for so long made me so happy. They looked at me with such warm eyes, I just wanted to be held by them.

But then Makoto's shadow fell from the sky and told me to wake up after giving me some strange stoplight on a keychain. Because of Makoto's shadow, my dream ended before I could reach my parents. I just wanted to be held by them again, to be wanted. I think this dream was worse than any twisted nightmare I've ever had. To have something I've wanted for so long to be just steps away and to have it taken away from me... I don't want to sleep anymore if I'll have another dream like that. I can't take that sort of sadness in a world where I can actually feel at peace.

I closed the journal, feeling a pang of guilt. Why would my shadow do something like that to her? I'd never want her to be unhappy, so why would something based on me get in the way? If that was some kind of representation of me, it was representing me incorrectly. I frowned. I didn't want her hating me because of some figment of her imagination. I sighed. Looking to her sleeping soundly, she was at ease at least for now. That was all that mattered to me in the long run. I tapped my pack of cigarettes, listening to it sound hollowly in response to my tapping. I guess I was running low on cigs. I stood up, grabbing the bag of food. I'd put this into the fridge and then burn away the rest of my pack on the balcony before I left. Then I'd leave.

I placed my hand on my pants pocket, feeling the gift I had been holding onto since I left my house this morning. I put down the bag of fast food and reached into my pocket, pulling out an aged video game cartridge. It was titled "Dreams of the Colossus". For it's time, it was one of the best RPGs there were on the market. It was also probably the first video game I ever had. I figured that since it was for the same out-dated video game system that Madotsuki had, I should give it to her. I thought she'd like it. The story was centered around a group of heroes who had banded together to somehow escape the world that they realized was only the dream of a god known as Colossus.

I ejected NASU from Madotsuki's system, placing the note I had written next to the system, explaining why I was giving her the game. I then blew into the old cartridge out of habit, placing it into the system. I reset her system, turning on the television. Like I was hoping, the old game still worked. I watched the old 8-bit opening, which was mindblowingly detailed back in the day and felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me. It was kind of depressing how she had been playing that low-budget game which didn't utilize any of her system's ability. I just hoped she'd enjoy this game as much as I did in the past.

I head towards the door after grabbing the bag of fast food. I had to keep it refrigerated or it's go bad. Even if it was crappy fast food, it was still food. Food that I paid for. As I pushed open the door, I glanced back over my shoulder and through the crack in the door. Madotsuki was fast asleep, peaceful and relaxed. I usually never saw her sleeping, she was always buried under her sheets.

It was relieving to see that she looked like she was enjoying life for once, even if it were for something as simple as when she slept. She deserved that much.


	4. Colorless Tears

Everything was dark. Had I fallen asleep? When had I closed my eyes? I didn't want to fall asleep until I had finished eating with Makoto... Oh well, nothing I could really do about it now. All I knew was that if the real Makoto was here in my apartment, I felt more comfortable about facing the dreams that seemed to be turning against me. The inky shadows around me began to swirl and take shape, forming another world around me. A night sky, stars dotting the black sky. A mirage of worlds below, buildings and trees and creatures all warped and mist-like beneath the balcony's railing.

I looked over. There was Makoto's shadow again, smoking while looking out over the railing. After my last dream, I had begun to question this shade. He had never left my balcony, never interacted with me before. Why was he acting now? And how did I know that he was anything like the real Makoto? Makoto's shadow felt distant, separate from my dreams. So far, the only time he interacted with me, he stopped me from being happy. If he were the real Makoto, he wouldn't have stopped me.

The only thing I could settle on for now was that Makoto's shadow was a shell of the real thing, only a shape and creation without anything that resembled him. As such, I wasn't going to treat it like I did my Makoto. I took a deep breath in, focusing my next words.

"Don't follow me this time. Stay put or else." I said in a dangerous tone. I could suppress the stutter that I had in my dream world, but it was extremely hard. But I felt this was something that I had to say to him. Makoto's shadow seemed to ignore me, taking a drag off of his cigarette, blowing smoke out over the shifting world underneath us. I glared at the shade for a moment, turning away from it and walking into my apartment. The apartment was the same as usual. The writhing bed, the TV and the lack of video game system. I felt strange. For some reason... I felt anxious for once. Normally my actions after falling asleep and entering this dream world were the same; fluid and thoughtless. Out the door, into my dream world.

But now... that last dream somehow opened my mind a little more. It made me more conscious, it made me wonder and almost fear what my next dream would hold. I felt myself sighing as my eyelids fell heavily over my vision. It didn't matter even if it was bad, did it? This world was still my solace, even if I had a bad dream here and there. It couldn't ever become as bad as my life was in my dreams.

I walked towards the door, placing a hand on the doorknob and tossing it open, closing my eyes in anticipation of the familiar rush of hurtling through the darkness of the Nexus. Strangely, the sensation never came. I opened my eyes, wondering what was going on. Looking into my doorway, I saw nothing, just empty black filling the void outside of my apartment. That was when I realized that there was a single burning ember off in the distance. I focused my eyes on it, trying to understand what it was. Bright orange, intensity of glow fluctuating as I continued to watch it.

It was shortly after I realized that it was a cigarette's ember that gray hands shot out from the shadows of my doorway. I stepped back out of fright as they arced towards me, grabbing hold of my arms and legs. I let loose a shriek of fear as I was pulled towards the void in front of me. I didn't like this, this wasn't normal. These hands felt eerie, uncomfortable. They felt like they were trying to drag me somewhere I didn't want to be. As I felt myself fall to the ground while resisting, I scratched and clawed at my carpet while I slid out of the doorway.

Once my whole body had been pulled into the abyss that stood outside my door, I felt the familiar rush of the Nexus. As I opened my eyes, I saw that the doors of my mind were chasing after me, trying to catch up to and stop the hands that were pulling me through the endless horizons. They couldn't seem to keep up with the translucent gray hands though, which managed to maneuver around the doors of my mind. Eventually they gave up and I watched the doors sink off into the distance.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the tightly clenching hands to finally let go of me after taking me wherever they wanted. After minutes of hurtling through the space of the Nexus, I felt myself come to a stop and felt the fingers slowly relinquish my body back to me. I opened my eyes, looking at a strange door I had never seen before. A gray one, without any details. No doorknob, either. I arched an eyebrow at it, wondering what this door was doing all the way out here by itself. The hands were retreating underneath a small crack in the doorway, a single hand becoming to walk towards the door.

I did slowly, fearing what was on the other side. With a tentative hand, I placed it on the knobless door, gently pushing it open. It slid slowly open, not a single thing holding it shut. It felt like it was hinged on air with how smoothly it opened. After pushing it open, a mist unfurled from within the door. I walked into the mist, the door slowly closing behind me. Once it closed, it slowly began to burn away, reducing itself to nothing more than a pile of ash and quickly rising smoke.

I turned forward, realizing I was in the forest from my last dream. This brought strange questions to my mind. Who or what was in my dreams that was doing this? And for what reason? I looked behind me, realizing that if this was my last dream, then the ghosts of my parents may still be here. Whirling around again, my eyes scanned hopefully for the image of my parents. Much to the sinking sensation of my heart, I didn't see them. Instead, I saw the bike that Makoto's shadow once sat at, smoking his cigarette on the edge of a cliff. The one I had ridden to the end of this dream.

I approached it, reaching out to its handle so I could swing a leg over it and ride it along the road. Off in the distance was a black and white road that lead into a colorless desert. As my fingers grazed the bicycle's handlebars, it abruptly burst into sparks, blinding me. I shielded my eyes with my hands, turning away from it. Once the light faded, I turned back to it. It had become a small keychain. That reminded me of my last dream. Makoto's shadow handing me that stoplight keychain.

I reached into my skirt's pocket and felt the telltale shape of the stoplight keychain. I pulled it out, looking to the bicycle keychain. Reaching over and picking it up, it adhered itself to the keychain that held the stoplight as if it were magnetically drawn to it. I looked at the keychains, wondering what in the world these little toys were. I focused on the bicycle, wishing that it hadn't turned into something small and useless. I could still use a quicker means of travel. I wanted to explore, get my mind off of the strange things that kept happening to me in these dreams.

As if responding to my mind, the bike detached itself from the keyring, enlarging and growing until it was normal sized again. I couldn't help but be confused; this had never happened before. I reached out to it, this time not shrinking at my touch. I folded my skirt underneath myself, kicking off and riding down the forest street.

The forest was normal, the dense trees filled with nothing but excluding shadows. The wide street was the same as ever, harsh asphalt lining the road ahead. The same cool drizzle fell from the sky. But what wasn't the same was the horizons ahead. The forests peeled away into a monochrome world, a place that seemed to tug at the back of my mind. It felt familiar. I knew that the ambulance from my last dream had driven there, tearing open the walls of my dream worlds and opening a shortcut into others. But what had it meant?

I didn't want to think about it, the ache in my chest was rising. But these sudden changes in my special, protected world were too much to leave unquestioned. I rode briskly through the road, not closing my eyes this time as I rode. The rain didn't feel calming anymore. It just felt cold and unwelcoming. As I rode, the world started to blur and everything began to fade. Colors ran, the rain and mist vanished. Everything was reduced to black and white here. The trees withered, turned to stumps and cactus. The road turned to rubble, the sky a blinding white expanse as everything became dust around me.

I continued following the road, looking out towards the expanses of desert on each side of me where the forests used to be. This place... it felt familiar. I'd been here before, but it was a hard place to reach. It hit me suddenly once I realized where I was. This desert... it was the most barren, inhospitable place in my dreams; a cage for the people who I loved the most and wanted to be with more than anyone.

It was where my sister remained trapped in my memories so that I wouldn't forget her.

I began pedaling on my bike faster, enduring the bumps and rough jolts that the jagged rubble beneath my tires yielded. In the distant crease against the white sky, I saw my target; a long cave that was filled with more of the ever-present blackness that filled the empty spaces in my dreams. Inside was the place where I kept the memory and spirit of my sister trapped; she was one of the people I struggled most to not forget. I had forgotten about my parents to shut out the pain and trauma, but I couldn't let go of my sister no matter how much it hurt. She was so dear to me, one of my closest friends. The person who had always cheered me on from behind the scenes to do my best. The person who gave me my strength...

Even after she died.

After a time of riding through the jagged road, I saw something unusual besides the cave. The ambulance from my last dream was idling besides it. As I slowed down on my bike, I peered into the windows. There was no one inside, no key in the ignition. Just black and white chairs, the surgical mask of a doctor resting on one of the two chairs. I dismounted my bike, letting go of the handlebars as I turned my eyes from the ambulance to the dark entrance to the cave. Within was my sister, Monoko.

As I let go of the handlebars, the bicycle shrunk and reattached itself to my keychain. I guess that was sort of handy, although a little unerring. I moved towards the cave's entrance, taking in a deep breath. Thinking back, it had been a long time since I had come here. This was one of the deepest sanctums of my mind. But whenever I did find my way here, it was a place where I could truly feel the closest thing to what used to be real happiness. I walked into the cave, my eyes focused forward. As I walked in, I heard a cheerful voice.

"Sis! It's been forever!" The voice exclaimed as I heard that pattering of small feet against stone as my little sister rushed and threw her arms around my waist, snuggling her face into my stomach. "Y-yeah." I mumbled, placing a hand on her head and pulling her closely. She was still warm, like how I remembered her from before the days in the hospital. She pulled herself from me after a few moments, tugging on my hand. "C'mon, let's play!" She said in her exuberantly happy tone. We never really played, there was nothing much to do here but be together. She never seemed to mind and neither did I.

I looked down at her face. It was black and white like everything else in this world, the expression on her face blurred at times, like a running ink painting. I smiled bitterly. I was forgetting, even if I was struggling not to. I played with the two black pigtails of her hair, cherishing the memory of what she used to feel like. She wore a clean little blouse and a black skirt, close to what she wore on the day she was stricken by that horrible accident.

"Wh-what are we g-going to play?" I asked her and she shrugged, just pulling me deeper into the cave that I had kept her memory imprisoned in. "Well, we can always play the storytelling game you've always liked." She said as she lead me to a place where the rocks had all been moved aside, leaving smooth ground. "There, you can sit there. I made that spot nice and comfy for you." Monoko told me and I smiled weakly. "No, you s-sit there." I said and my younger sister shook her head. "I'll just sit on your lap. You sit there." She told me, causing me to sigh. I couldn't help but listen to her.

I sat down and she promptly plopped herself onto my lap. "So, do you want to start, or can I?" She asked. I always felt conscious about my stutter, so I motioned for her to go first. "Alright... let me think of something." She said, pressing her small fingers to her chin in thought. She leaned her head back, tucking it under my chin as she kept her knees pressed to her chest. "Ok, I got it!" She said excitedly, looking up at me with her blurred smile.

"My story is about a girl who's trapped in a room she can't leave." Monoko began. I already felt a pain tugging at my chest. Was this about me? "She's always lonely and bored, feeling sad and alone." Monoko continued. This was sounding like me, wasn't it...? "She relies on her imaginary friends and is always sad, looking outside at the world she can't ever find the courage to step out into." She explained with a childlike exuberance. She was the spark in my soul that I lost when she passed away. Only here I could relive the moments before that accident that tore her from me.

"But she always keeps strong, waiting for the day that her best friend and big sister comes to visit." She said with a smile. My heart ached, realizing that this story was about herself, not me. How could a memory I had created of someone in my own dreams be so lifelike and realistic? I didn't understand how, but Monoko was like that. So was Makoto's shadow, always seeming to act outside of my dream's control. "Her big sister always cheers the girl up, giving her hope to make it through even more days when she's alone. And when she comes to visit, the girl can't ever be happier." She said with a big grin on her face. "And that's it! How'd you like it? I've been practicing my storytelling all the time for when you'd visit me." Monoko told me, causing me to sigh happily. "It's g-good." I said softly, patting her on the head. We spent some time like this, sitting in the middle of a white road that was surrounded by all encompassing darkness on both sides of us.

They weren't walls, just empty space. I never dared venture off the path, not sure of what I'd find out in the shadows. I didn't need to venture off, anyways. All I needed was right here, tucked against my chest. My little sister, the cute little thing who always was there for me. After moments of silence and enjoying the warmth of a person who was wrongfully taken from me, Monoko spoke. "Hey, what's this?" She asked, having found my keychain in my skirt's pocket. "Keychains." I said, trying to keep my sentences short to prevent my awkward stuttering. I felt stupid the most when I stuttered around her. She never noticed it, though.

She looked to the bike and stoplight, but for some reason her attention focused on the stoplight keychain. "What's this one?" She asked, pointing to a small button on top of the stoplight. I shrugged quietly, not entirely sure what it was either. I didn't bother trying to think much about what was going on, only focusing on enjoying what was at hand. After pressing the button on top of the stoplight, the faintly glowing green light switched to red.

Immediately Monoko's body seized up, becoming rigid as she dropped the keychain. "Mm-monoko?" I asked, tilting my head at her. Her breathing had become labored, her chest heaving mechanically. I wanted to ask if she was ok, but something told me to stay silent. As I kept my eyes focused on her, I blinked and she changed without warning. I leaped back into the shadows out of fright in what I saw. Her limbs... they had become twisted and mangled, extra arms jutting out from the joints in her arms. Even a hand had erupted from her skull, grasping and reaching for what wasn't there. My body was wracked with fear as my memories began to force their way through the illusion that my mind had erected as a safeguard.

Something was slowly fading through the image of my distorted sister. Those things jutting out from her arms weren't hands. Those were bones. That hand erupting from her skull? That was brain matter. My body shook with terror as she turned towards me, her twisted hands reaching out to me as her lax and focusless eyes turned on me, a single colorless tear streaming from them. She was covered in blood, a large wound in her chest spurting crimson each time she took another heaving breath. Her breathing was heavy, barely able to sputter out her words. "Mado...tsuki... save... me..." She whispered and I couldn't bear to listen to that voice. I leaped to my feet, turning to flee this place. There was nothing happy here either, this was just another place of horror.

As I turned to exit, the darkness that surrounded the path turned to blinding white surroundings. I shielded my eyes but then fearfully inspected my new environment. It was a hospital room, dark doctors laughing quietly at me from a distance, medical equipment beeping and an empty gurney stained with blood. That was where I killed my sister, wasn't it? I felt my heart withering under this rooms gaze the longer I remained here, being filled with terror as I watched my sister shamble after me, calling my name frantically as the doctors' laughter grew in proportion to my fear. Turning and finally finding the strength in my legs to escape, I thrust myself from that cave, running off of the road and into the desert.

As the memories of my sister resurfaced, so did my memories of this colorless desert. I remembered that I didn't only have the memory of my sister trapped here... but the memory of my closest friend as well. I knew she was here, I could feel here. But there was a creature who guarded her from me. What the creature was or how to get past it I didn't remember, but I didn't care what it'd take. I'd find a way to reach her so long as where she resided was a safe haven within my mind. I'd find a way to break through my obstacles. I needed my happiness, I needed my calm back!

As I finally reached that place that I knew my close friend was within, I saw something that shook me further.

Makoto stood before me, his mask-like frown twisted upward into a daunting smile. Behind him was a strange building with a white road that looped through the building. Inside I knew was my last place of recluse. My eyes turned to Makoto's shade, the obstacle that continued getting in the way of my happiness. His eyes remained downcast and sad even though his mouth seemed to taunt me with it's laughter. A cigarette dangled from his mouth, a knife held tightly in his other hand. He pinched the cigarette, turning his downcast eyes at me from a high angle. Makoto's shadow... he was looking down on me, wasn't he? Was it wrong to want to seek sanctuary in my friends? Why was he getting in the way of everything? First, he stopped me from meeting my parents. Then he ruined my time with Monoko and brought her the pain she didn't deserve to feel.

Now he was standing before me and my only friend.

"Move!" I shrieked, overpowering my stutter with pure anger. His soft laughter was hollow and resonated throughout the white desert, ringing in my eyes. "Time to wake up." He said, his voice exactly the same as the time he descended from the sky and stood between me and my family. The dark Makoto flicked his cigarette at my feet, the burning ember suddenly catching the dusty sand on fire as if it were soaked in gasoline. I began to step away, not wanting the fire to catch me. Despite this, the fire moved fast and instinctively sought me. The fire traveled quickly up my legs as I watched it spread out and scour the entire white desert of every feature it had within seconds. The burning was horrifyingly painful and I couldn't help but to scream out in agony as I felt the fire burn my skin to the bone. All the while I burned, I kept hearing shadow Makoto's laughter becoming more shrill and insane as the fires claimed the world.

That was when I awoke in a cold sweat. I looked up and quickly around the room. Where was the real Makoto? I didn't care if he didn't understand, I needed a hug. I needed to feel the warmth of a real human, I needed to make sure that he wasn't evil like his shadow self and I had to make sure that the only person left in my life was truly real. I looked to the balcony, seeing the glass door slid open slightly. He must've left a little while ago. I frowned, getting up and standing over my table. My dream diary was closed as usual. Makoto must've read it before he left.

I opened it to the last page, grabbing the pen and hunching myself over the diary. I didn't bother penning down the date or anything, only my thoughts.

The Makoto in my dreams isn't be anything like the real Makoto. The Makoto in my dreams is cruel and horrible. This time he set me on fire and destroyed my memory of Monoko. Instead of seeing her the way she was before the accident, now she's suffering like she did after the accident in the hospital. He somehow did it through the stoplight keychain he gave me. I think he's trying to ruin my dreams. I can't let that happen, I have to ensure that my dreams remain my sanctuary.

That's all I could think of for the moment. My body ached, craving for something that I was unsure of. As my foggy mind cleared up after waking from that dream, I remembered what my body wanted. The cigarette Makoto always left. I walked briskly to the balcony, looking for the slowly burning stub of a cigarette that was always left there. I found it sitting on the railing besides the row of stubbed cigarettes. I picked it up and placed it to my mouth. I puffed on it a couple times, coughing as I walked back into the apartment.

It was then I finally realized there was something different about my room. The TV was on and there was something unusual displaying on it. Something new, something I hadn't ever seen before. I sat down in front of it, watching the opening of whatever this was play. It looked like some kind of video game for my system called "Dream of the Colossus". Watching the opening, I could only figure out that there seemed to be some band of people fighting against some kind of greater power.

I looked over to my video game system. A small, half folded note sat besides it. Did Makoto write this? I opened it, quickly looking at it. Although there was a prewritten message on this, it looked like he had written something after he had put it down.

Hey Mado. :) You fell asleep while eating, so I put you in bed. Hope you don't mind.

This here is an "RPG", a role-playing game. You control a band of characters and trying to complete a certain plot-driven goal. This was one of my first ever games, Dreams of the Colossus. I found it the other day while scrounging around my basement and since you're always dreaming, I thought you'd like it. The basic storyline is that there are people struggling against a God named Colossus, who imprisons people in worlds that he dreams up. They want to escape, so they gather together to fight him off. Maybe one day you'll find the strength to escape the dreams you're trapped in, too. I really hope so. I'd like to see you back to normal one day, smiling and talking like you used to. Either way, I've had many many hours of fun with this game and I hope it brings you as much enjoyment as it did for me.

-Makoto

I looked to the screen, watching the opening one more time. It did look fun. Or at least, more fun than Nasu. I have never considered having another game, but now that I was staring at a new one, I felt a strange sense of refreshment. I then looked back to Makoto's note. He wanted me to go back to the way I used to be. A bitter smile formed on my face. As much as I'd like things to go back to normal, nothing could ever be normal again. I grabbed my worn controller and pressed start. I watched another prologue video after navigating through the opening menu and it eventually presented me with the choice of naming the main character. Above the name input, it gave a brief description of the character.

The main character, a person who strives to rescue everyone from the dream world imposed on them by Colossus. What shall you name him?

His normal name was Etric. I deleted it though, it sounded weird to me. Looking at the blinking underscore, what would I name him? A hero who wanted to save people from a dream world that trapped them...

A faint smile spread across my face as I realized what I'd name the main hero of this game. Thinking about it, there was only one name that would fit this hero. I began moving the cursor around the screen, carefully selecting my letters.

M-A-K-O-T-O.


	5. Blurring the Line

Ah, relaxing emptiness. The void between wakefulness and being asleep, a place of nothing. A place where I could allow my mind to let go, to let me forget the burdens I bore. Sometimes I felt like I could live here forever. But like everything else, all good things must come to an end. A shrill beeping sheared through the peaceful silence of my sleep, thrusting me into the real world.

I woke slowly, my eyes lifting lazily as I peered at the source of the beeping. It was coming from directly in front of me, where my eyes were already aimed. In the passenger side seat of my car. Wait, my car...? I straightened up, lifting my face from my steering wheel. I raised my hands to my face, trying to rub the fatigue out of my eyes. I picked up my phone, checking why it was beeping. The screen was lit up simply with the words "Wake up". I groaned, realizing it was the alarm that woke me up nearly every morning.

I took in my surroundings as I finally started to come to. I was parked outside of my house, cars driving by me. I must've parked here after leaving Mado's house and hanging out with some friends. I was feeling tired, seeing Madotsuki usually wore on my spirit. Some days wore on me heavier than others. Yesterday was in particular tiring for me. Seeing her struggling so hard to avoid those dreams strained me too. I couldn't help the poor girl in any way. No matter what I tried to do, she was always a step out of my reach. A step too far gone to help, a step too far gone to save.

That usually played havoc on my mind and soul, knowing that almost everything I was doing was fruitless. That no matter how I tried, I was only helping her stay barely alive. She wasn't living on her own accord. Only because I was too stubborn to let her fade away in that apartment of hers. I sighed. I needed to put these thoughts out of mind. I pushed open my car's door, stretching a bit as I walked around the front of my car. A shower and a change of clothes would do me good. Then I'd head back out to Madotsuki's. Today was Saturday, I didn't have work. I usually spent the entire day at Mado's. Sometimes I even crashed there, sleeping on the floor. I felt bad for her, always alone.

A shower and change of clothes later, I was back in my car with a bag full of various ingredients. Today was also the day that I usually brought the excess of stuff from my house to her place. It helped keep her dinners mixed up so she wouldn't get tired of what I gave her to eat. I sat down, feeling tired. I shouldn't feel this tired. I placed a hand to my forehead, groaning a bit to myself. Had I been spending too much time in Mado's world? The two worlds I lived in, Madotsuki's and my own. A world of dread and sadness that belonged to Mado and mine, a world of forgetfulness and cheer. I looked out over my steering wheel with placid, tired eyes. I probably was, but I didn't care. Someone had to do this. I grabbed hold of my car's ignition key, turning it and starting the engine. I drove out onto the street and began heading for Mado's apartment.

It was strange how easily I could think without thinking. The route to Madotsuki's home was practically committed to memory, without even having to process for a single moment whether this was the correct turn or not. When I was here in this world, I tried not to think about Madotsuki or her world at all. It was a place I hated, that I loathed being in. But once I forded the line between the two, instantly I forgot about my hatred of that room. Whenever I was there, I felt myself forgetting entirely about my life outside of her room. I embraced it and focused solely on trying to make Mado's life a little more pleasant.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I found myself here again, outside of that complex. I tapped the wheel, taking in a deep breath as I always did when steeling myself to enter the apartment building. It wasn't exactly an enormous building. It was taller than the others in the area, but it still wasn't absurdly tall. Despite that, the building felt like a tower to me. A forbidding place that loomed over me and looked down at me. At the top was a person that I wasn't even sure wanted my self-imposed help. I scowled at myself. These thoughts were *** me off. Whether or not she wanted my help, she needed it. She still had a life to live, even if she was wasting it as it stood. She dropped out of school, cut off all contact with people at too young of an age. Just before I got out of the car, my phone started ringing. Someone was calling me. I looked to the caller id irately, wondering who it was.

'Masada', it read. I scowled to myself, pressing a button to ignore his call. After that, I set it to vibrate, placing it in my pocket. I didn't want to talk to him. I usually never did. I've had to change my phone number a couple times because of this guy always pestering me. He was always asking about Madotsuki because I was the only one he could ask. He couldn't go and visit her himself, after all. I groaned as I felt my phone vibrating again. Was he calling again? I didn't appreciate him calling me all the time. He was a relic of the past, a past that belonged to Mado. And anything regarding Madotsuki wasn't allowed to flow into my other, outside life. I couldn't talk to him when I wasn't at Madotsuki's and I couldn't talk to him when I was with her either. I just couldn't talk to him and he never really got that. No matter what I told him, he kept at calling me. I got out of my car, walking towards the front door, waiting for Masada's calls to finally stop before I stepped through the front door and heading for the stairs.

In the blink of an eye, I had climbed the stairs to the kitchen, dropped off the food items I had brought, and was now standing outside of Madotsuki's door. I knocked as usual, calling out to her so that she knew it was me. Unlike yesterday, she didn't open the door. I unlocked her door, pushing it open and walking in. I looked towards the bed first, expecting her to be bundled up in a ball of sheets, asleep. Surprisingly, the bedsheets were pulled back and there was no Mado to be seen. "Hm...?" I looked towards the TV and found Madotsuki asleep on the floor, a controller held in her hands.

I looked towards the TV. It was an equip screen from Dreams of the Colossus. It looked like she fell asleep while changing some of the equipment from the fighters on her team. I chuckled. Well, I guess she did like my little present. I walked quietly over to her, kneeling over her and taking a look at her face. At first I thought I'd put her in bed, but then I changed my mind at her expression. She looked at peace. The last couple of nights that I had been with her, her sleep seemed restless. She made small muffled noises, like she was in some kind of pain. It seemed sh had been having nightmares recently, but this time she had managed to sleep easily. Because of that, I couldn't move her to her bed. I couldn't risk ruining a good dream for her.

I instead sat down at her desk. If she couldn't even enjoy herself in her dreams, where could she? I didn't approve of her addiction to dreaming, but I'd never want her dreams to only be nightmares. If that happened, both her waking life and sleeping life would be places she couldn't stand to live in. What would she do then? I didn't even want to fathom what. It was a 'what if' situation that turned my stomach. I turned towards the diary on the desk. My curiosity made me wonder what dreams she had last night. She seemed troubled while she slept that night.

Surprisingly, there wasn't as much detailed in her entry as usual. Sometimes she'd spend pages explaining her dreams and what she saw. This time though, it was only her thoughts.

Makoto's shadow isn't like the real Makoto. He only looks like him. His shadow is my enemy in my dreams, a poison that's creeping through my mind. I don't know why, but I'm going to fight him. He's not only ruined my peace but he's also hurt my sister this time, too. I visited Monoko and everything was fine until she touched that stoplight keychain that that filthy shade gave me. Her form became twisted and warped into the way she was after the incident, in the hospital. It was horrifying. The doctors were everywhere in that cave, laughing at me. Laughing at the painful decision I had to make back then. Then when I tried running to my closest friend who was also in that white desert, Makoto's shadow got in my way and set everything on fire, including me.

I'm going to defeat him, whatever he is. I'll go to war with him if I must, even if he makes me fight my own dreams. I'll take back my peace. I can't let my last happy place fade away.

That's where it ended. She didn't bother dating it, either. Her handwriting looked like she was angry when she first wrote it out. I sighed, closing the book and moving back towards where Mado was sleeping on the floor. I softly removed the remote from her hand. I was feeling nosy. I wanted to see what level her characters were and how well she had her fighters outfitted.

The player she was busy equipping had his default name and was the team's mage, an offensive spell-caster. He had pretty good weapons and armor that helped augment his power. I nodded as I backed out of the character's equip menu, looking towards the list of characters she was using in her main party. The first character's name caught my eye. Makoto. She named the main character after me? I felt a small smile creeping onto my face. I didn't expect that. Always with those small little things she did that really surprised me.

He was much higher of a level and better outfitted than her other fighters. I was surprised, really. Why did she pay special attention to the character named after me? I wasn't so sure why, but I backed out of the pause menu, checking to see where she was in the game's story. Walking around a bit, I quickly recognized the town she was currently in. I was impressed. She was already about a third through the game only in the course of one night. "Not bad for a kid who's only ever played one other crappy game." I said to myself as I continued walking around the town, talking to the NPCs and buying her some healing items. She was sort of low on them and there was a boss battle coming up soon, so I figured it'd be a good idea to help her out and stock up on some.

It was then I felt a small hand on mine. "Give it." I heard in a low, but firm voice. I froze completely, looking to my left and towards Madotsuki. Her ochre eyes were open and fixed on me. They were between half opened and fully opened, focused and aware. I let go of the remote, placing it in her hands. I couldn't believe it. She just spoke. That was... more than rare. She'd only spoken to me once before, a long time ago. When I first started taking care of her. I was silent for a while, watching her sit up and continue playing the game.

"So, enjoying the game?" I asked with a pleased smile. Today was starting great. I didn't expect it to go this well this soon. I was expecting her to be stuck to that stupid NASU game or just be asleep all day. She nodded as she walked around the town, eventually leaving and finding herself on a large world map that lead to other towns as well as her current objective in the game. I noticed that there was a frown on her face though. At one point, she put down the controller and placed both her hands on her back, her frown increasing.

"Your back hurt? Well, you did sleep on the floor, dummy." I said playfully as I stood up and walked behind her. "How about this?" I asked, sitting behind her and placing my legs beside hers. "Lean back. I'll be your chair while you play. I wanna watch, anyways. I loved playing this game when I was a kid." I said as Madotsuki looked backwards at me with an unsure look. "Don't worry, I swear I'm comfortable." I said with a grin as I placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back against my chest. "See? Better than sitting with no back support. You're comfortable and I get to watch. It's a win win." I said as I placed my chin on top of her head while I watched her play Dreams of the Colossus.

After about fifteen minutes of watching her play, I finally chose the words I wanted to speak. "You know, the last time you spoke to me was the first time I started coming here to take care of you." I said to her. There was no visible pause in her play. "I got a call from your uncle saying that you were wasting away and that you were refusing to accept any food from him. He wanted me to try and help you. He remembered how attached you used to be to me before you cut yourself off from everyone." I continued. Again, no hesitation or slowing in how she played the game. I wasn't sure if she was listening, but I continued talking.

"Do you remember the first thing you said to me when I opened your door using a key your uncle gave me?" I asked. This time, her hands paused for a slight moment, no longer roaming over the buttons of her controller. My smile grew a bit. So she was listening, trying to remember. "I walked in with a plate of food I had just made. You took one look at me and started screaming, shouting 'Get out, get out!', smacking the plate out of my hands and shoving me out of the room." I said, my smile becoming bittersweet as I recollected that day years ago.

"You pressed yourself against the door, refusing to let me open it. I didn't say a word. I had nothing that I could say, I was so shocked at how far you'd fallen. I think the only way to explain how you looked was 'desolate'. I think I hadn't seen you in two years, back then." I continued. This time her hands stopped completely and she put down the controller after pausing the game. I felt her head lowering downwards, her eyes probably fixed on the floor.

"I cleaned up the mess and made you a new plate, waited until you had calmed down. Then I walked back in and found you crying into your pillow. I just placed the plate down on the desk and kept my hand on your head while you cried, repeating 'Get out' the entire time." I said, laughing. "You really didn't like the outside world coming into yours, but I guess after a while you started to accept me as a piece of furniture here in your little world, too." I said, somewhat bitterly.

"Sorry." Madotsuki said. I was surprised. Twice? And the second time she spoke was an apology? I was at a loss for words at first, but eventually I spoke. "Don't worry about it kiddo. I'm just happy to see you the way you are now. You're healthy now and more stable. Back then you'd just keep screaming at me. Getting you to eat was such a pain." I said with a sigh. She picked up her remote again, looking back to the television.

"So, why are you talking now all of a sudden? I don't get it. You're more receptive than usual." I said, wondering if I could learn any more about her. She simply shrugged. "I guess..." She began, pausing for a moment as if testing out her voice, "...I just want to know the difference between you here and the you in my dreams." She said, her as voice clear as a morning bell. I was silent. I guess that was fine. She wanted to get to know me so she could tell the two of us apart. "The me in your dreams, huh. Does that mean you want to separate the two of us so you don't start hating me or something?" I asked. She nodded responsively.

"I can deal with that." I said with a laugh. I smiled to myself. This was good. If she kept on like this... maybe I could really bring her back to her normal self. I guess her nightmares were a good thing, in the long run. It was forcing her to look at the real world and the people in it, even if it was only one person from the outside stepping into her world.

I laughed to myself. Here I was, only minutes ago, complaining about Masada blurring the worlds I tried so desperately to keep separated. And here was Madotsuki, having to deal with me, a person who forcefully injected himself into somewhere he didn't belong. Masada and I were no different in that sense. Well, except that Masada was... well, I didn't feel like thinking about it. His story was messy and I'd rather not allow my mind to sink into the particulars of it. I was in a good mood and I didn't want to ruin it. I never felt like this here in Madotsuki's apartment. What felt like a half hour passed by and I checked my phone. It was half past noon.

"Well, you hungry for lunch?" I asked, eliciting a nod from Mado. "Alright, I'll go make something." I said as I stood up and began moving towards the door. As I moved past Mado, I felt her grab hold of my sleeve. "Turkey sandwich." She said, causing me to laugh. "Well, well. Giving requests now, huh? Better than always guessing what you want. I'll make sure it's *** near the best turkey sandwich you've ever had." I said with a laugh as she let go of my sleeve and I left her room through her door.

I felt like a million bucks. All of a sudden, it felt like the light had finally begun to burn holes in that black drape that blotted out the sun from Madotsuki's world. Things were getting better. It seemed that way at least. Slowly too, but slow progression was better than none. And for that, I was thankful. Perhaps this was the beginning of a change in her that she needed. If she became more and more open-minded, I could help bring her back to the outside world she hated so much. Show her that it wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. I'd show her that things could be good again and that I'd make sure to shield her from every and any bad thing that came her way. She deserved that much.

I found myself back at the kitchen. Even if things looked good now, I had to take it one step at a time. I had to make sure that I didn't get too excited and blunder somewhere. Helping Madotsuki was like performing a complex surgery; it was a delicate procedure and required thought and analysis behind every move. I started rummaging through the fridge, a goofy smile on my face as I made her a turkey club sandwich as well as myself one. I hadn't eaten all day and was starting to feel hungry. As I moved to leave the kitchen and enter the hallway that lead down the hallway to the stairwell, I realized a person was standing there, leaning against the wall.

It was a middle aged, stocky man who was balding. He wore a pair of shorts and a dirty, time-worn gray t-shirt. His eyes seemed impartial, yet discriminating at the same time. They moved from the two sandwiches I was holding to my face as he lifted a bottle of liquor to his lips. "How's she doing?" He asked me in an unpleasant tone. My smile faded, but I refused to let it vanish entirely. This was Mado's uncle. The *** I couldn't stand. His personality *** me off and he gave up on Madotsuki. "Same as always, Mr. Takeshi." I said in a flat tone. He wasn't actually related to the family. He was only married to Madotsuki's mother's youngest sister, a timid woman who let this *** stomp all over her life after they got married. It was reassuring though that I wasn't the only one who hated him. Most of his tenants did too and from what I knew, Madotsuki's father hated him too.

"I'm surprised you can even keep that brat alive." He mumbled, swilling the drink in his bottle around as he spoke. "Well, a little caring can go a long way." I said, dropping a hint that he actually managed to catch. "What are you trying to say, kid?" He asked, stepping towards me. "You trying to start something? Trying to get me angry? Huh?" He asked me, getting in my face. I kept my pleasant smile on. "Just get out of my way. I don't want to keep Madotsuki waiting." I spoke in a calm, even, and angry tone. We stood at odds for a couple moments, but eventually he backed down and I moved past him.

I was still young, and he was getting to the point in his life where he didn't have the endurance for a fight. He probably realized that he wouldn't be able to go blow-for-blow with me if it actually escalated to a fight. I sighed. Way to kill the buzz, old man. I was actually having a good day until I had to see his ugly, pudgy face. I sighed as I pushed open Madotsuki's door. "I'm baaaack, and with food!" I said cheerfully as I walked in and sat besides Mado. I placed the plate on her lap, holding my plate with one hand as I picked up and began to eat my sandwich.

Mado looked at her sandwich for a moment before eating it. "Are you a chef?" She asked me after a moment. I nodded while chewing through a mouthful of my sandwich. "I work at a little mom and pop restaurant a little ways away from my house. Started working there towards the end of highschool. About when you dropped out of school." I said, thinking about the time periods. Madotsuki was sixteen now. She dropped out when she was fourteen and I was nineteen at the time, finishing up my last year of highschool. Our old school back then was a combined junior high and high school, so I was always able to keep an eye on her. I tried my best to protect her from hardship then, but I... I don't think I tried hard enough. I could've done more, but I decided against it, back then.

The past wasn't worth dwelling on, though. After I finished my sandwich, I stood up and reached into my pocket for my pack of cigarettes. "Well, I'm gonna go out and have a cig like usual." I said as I moved towards the sliding glass door. As I stood up, so did Madotsuki. She didn't say anything, but walked towards her desk beside her bed. She sat down and began writing while I watched her from the doorway of her balcony. She wrote for a couple minutes, then getting up and moving towards her bed. As she began to lay down, I remained at the glass doorway that divided the two worlds that I lived in. "Hey. If you see that shadow of mine again, give him a good punch in the jaw for me." I said with a grin, placing my cigarette between my lips. She nodded, a slight smirk on her face that she seemed to try to hide.

I turned away from her, walking out onto the balcony and fishing around in my pockets for my lighter. My shadow. It was apparently some kind of strange force in her dreams that kept her from escaping the world of the real in lieu for a world of dreams. I wondered though as I moved towards the railing, why something in her own dreams was going against her? If someone is as conscious of their dreams as Madotsuki was, couldn't she control her own dreams? I was no psychologist, but if her own mind was rebelling against her, did that mean she was subconsciously growing restless in her dream world?

I lit my cigarette and puffed on it while I started thinking about what she had written in her dream diary before her most recent entry. The entry where she was set on fire by my shadow. What did she say he was trying to stop her from reaching? Her 'closest friend', she wrote. I scratched my head as a plume of smoke curled around my face. She always had trouble with making or keeping friends... who could she have been talking about?

Then it hit me. Her name was Monoe. I placed a hand to my forehead. How could I have forgotten that little girl? She was such a sweet kid, too. Always with a smile and looking out for Madotsuki. I remember now. That was in sixth grade for Madotsuki. Back then, Madotsuki still had her stutter and people still gave her *** because of it. She was *** near a mute, she tried clamming up as much as possible so people wouldn't make fun of her. She'd avoid answering teachers' questions and didn't talk to people. I remember the first day the two met. It was during lunch.

I chuckled to myself. I remember exactly, now. I made a habit of keeping an eye on Madotsuki from a distance, because she got embarrassed when I'd get protective of her. Since she always tried to avoid as much attention as possible, she didn't like it when I started defending her. People thought it was strange that someone five years older than her who had almost no relationship to her was defending her so strongly. She didn't want people to know that I was the one who was always with her through her hardships. If people knew she suffered, they'd want to know about what. And talking about it would bring those memories back.

So she ended up trying as hard as possible to keep me from defending her. I used to get in fights because people had picked on her, but she ended up telling me to stop unless she signaled that she needed my help. She never did once ask me to step in for her, so I eventually just became her shadow, watching her suffer quietly. That day in the lunch room, Madotsuki got in late. I think she got scolded by some teacher for refusing to respond to their questions in class. She usually chose some far off corner table where no one would sit. That day was packed though. There was only one place to sit. Next to that girl, Monoe.

Monoe was a plain girl. Nothing stood out about her, except maybe her smile. It was between happy and knowing, sometimes eerie. Monoe started talking to Madotsuki while Mado just tried to eat her food quickly and get out of the lunch room. Madotsuki took a risk, decided to stutter a response to whatever Monoe said to her then. That's all it took. Monoe just kept smiling and talking. Soon, the two became fast friends. I was happy for Mado. She'd finally made a friend who could stick up for her without embarrassing her. One who seemed to genuinely care. I was happy that she finally had gained something in her life of loss. What I didn't expect was how things would turn out half a year from then.

I leaned forward a bit against the railing, leaning on my elbow and propping my chin on my palm. Now that I was looking back out over the city I had gotten so used to living in, I felt the sense of dislike for this place creeping back into me. My eyes dulled and my expression sunk. Eventually, Monoe's father got a promotion at the business firm he worked at. I remember this part well.

Because of that promotion, Monoe's family had to move away. Poor Madotsuki's spirit was crushed. It was like life had been intent on drowning Madotsuki and then decided that just as she was on the verge of suffocation to let her back up to the surface. Only to thrust her back under once again. I chewed on my filter as I let the cigarette burn. Monoe didn't want to leave her close friend behind, either. By that time, Madotsuki had finally chosen to tell Monoe about her life of loss, explaining all the troubles that she had to endure. I'm sure made knowing all that made Monoe not want to leave her friend all the more.

A week before Monoe and her family had to move, she ran away. No one had any idea where she went. She packed up quietly in the middle of the night and just vanished. The police searched everywhere, not knowing where to find the girl. She hadn't left a note or anything. Eventually after the police asked around, they realized they hadn't questioned Monoe's closest friend, Madotsuki. Barely anyone knew anything about her and they ended up having to ask the administration office for directions to her home.

They went to the complex and asked for the landlords, Mado's aunt and uncle. The Takeshis. They reluctantly allowed the police to accompany them up to the ninth floor to question Madotsuki. The police sure didn't expect to find Monoe there in Madotsuki's apartment. After some questioning from the police, Madotsuki gave up trying to keep the secret. She was planning to hide her friend Monoe there in her apartment. No one ever went up there, since Madotsuki always went to the kitchen on the eighth floor by herself. She planned to bring up extra food for Monoe and hide her there. Past there, she didn't have much of a plan.

They were only kids. One kid who never had anyone in her life to care about her. The other just didn't want to leave her friend behind and alone without anyone in her life. Takeshi called me that day, insanely *** off. Back then he didn't drink as much as he did now, but he was still one irate old man. He told me he was too angry for being dragged into this by that girl so he needed me to come by and handle Madotsuki.

Poor kid was crying like crazy. She didn't want to say goodbye to her best friend. I stood at her apartment for a while, trying to cheer her up. I remember telling her that I was her friend too, that she wouldn't be completely alone no matter what. I couldn't come close to Monoe, but I guess back then I was better than nothing. I was always there for her whenever she went through hard times, but back then I didn't feel like I was her friend. I felt more like someone who was just an emotional backup. Someone to take care of her in hard times only. She was becoming distant after all those mishaps she'd experienced. Thinking about it, Madotsuki probably didn't want to be around me because I was always there whenever something bad happened to her. It probably hurt her seeing me and remembering her past.

But that time, I was there again with her. She held my hand like always and we went off to go see Monoe off the day she moved. Monoe's father though... he got in the way. I remember clearly trying to reason with Monoe's father to just let Madotsuki say goodbye, to at least hug her friend goodbye once more before they were separated for good. I felt my expression turning hateful as I remembered that businessman's face. A long face with a big nose and eyes filled with nothing. He was a suit and nothing more. He couldn't ever understand the amount of pain someone so much younger than him had gone through and how much more he was hurting her by denying her a simple goodbye.

I remember eventually getting angry with the damned suit, grabbing him by the collar and shouting all sorts of horrible things at him. I couldn't take it. I was just so damned angry. He pushed me off of him and I charged him, throwing him to the ground. His older son who was around twenty-one beat me to the ground and kept Madotsuki from saying goodbye to Monoe as her mother quickly shoved her into a car. They drove away before Madotsuki could even say goodbye.

Those two kids... I don't think I could ever erase the sight of them two crying like that. They were so frantic, clawing for one another against forces they couldn't resist. I sighed, turning around and looking back into Madotsuki's room from the balcony. Madotsuki's little dream diary said that my shadow had prevented her from reaching Monoe... if she was planning to wage a war against the fake me, would she be trying to reach Monoe?

But would she be able to reach her?


	6. A Desperate Gleam

After laying my head down on my pillow and pulling my sheets over my head, I wondered why I even smiled at Makoto. But if I did see his shadow, I did plan to hit him. Maybe not just for the real Makoto, but for me too. He had taken my happiness away from me, he had hurt my sister and hurt me as well. I wasn't going to just stand and let the one last place I had be taken from me by another bully. My normal life had already been torn apart by them, I couldn't let them take my dream world from me either.

I fell asleep feeling as if I were preparing myself for war. Well, to be honest, this challenge felt like one. As the darkness that always appeared when I slept began to peel away, I found myself standing on the balcony like always. I turned sharply in place, looking to where Makoto's shadow always was. Shockingly, he wasn't there. I inspected the place he usually smoked, his mask-like visage absent from the balcony that peered over the dark world of blended dreams below.

This was strange. Where had he gone? It didn't bode well with me, something was wrong here. Makoto's shadow had always been there, even when the real Makoto wasn't at my apartment. Did he sense my animosity towards him and escape into my dream world before I could get a hold of him? I didn't know. Before this all happened, I wouldn't have taken this seriously at all. But if he wasn't here, that meant he was out there. Planning something. I looked out over my balcony down at the worlds shifting like restless water beneath me. He was somewhere in there, waiting for me.

I walked towards the sliding glass door, moving to pull it open. It was then I realized that there was something wrong with it. The glass was cracked. I pulled my hand away from it, looking at the crack closely. There was blood dripping down from the origin of the cracks. Had someone punched it? I backed away from it at first, wondering what kind of omen this was.

I took in a deep breath and pushed the sliding glass door open, moving past the eerie pane of glass. My bedroom was the same as ever, nothing ever changed here. It was sort of worrisome, though. Soon my bedroom may change too, just like the balcony had. I heaved a sigh, looking towards the television cornered near my door as I moved towards it. There was no video game system here. If I could've, I would've finished playing that game Makoto had given me instead of venturing out into my dreams. I didn't know what might be out there anymore. It frightened me now.

Regardless, I had to stop Makoto's shadow. If I didn't, I'd never be able to sleep again. And I knew I couldn't live in the real world anymore...

I pushed open my bedroom door, not sure what to expect. I closed my eyes, readying myself for anything, be it the familiar rush that the Nexus gave me or those uncomfortable hands that dragged me forcibly away. This time, nothing. I opened my eyes, confused. Looking out into the darkness of the Nexus, there was only one thing standing before me. A single door. I walked into the Nexus, the door behind me closing gently. This was strange...

Normally I saw hundreds of doors while being rushing through the Nexus to my destination, most of them bearing the same patterns and colors. This time though, there was only one of each pattern I could remember seeing. This wasn't the strangest thing though; the fact that all of the doors had been split in half except for one was. That was the door looking straight at me. I walked towards it, wondering why this time my dreams hadn't dumped me off in that desert like it had last time.

Was Makoto still trying to keep me from reaching the white desert? From reaching Monoe? Was this his plan...? I frowned as I approached the door, my shoes stepping silently on the unseen floor. It was hard to say that I was even walking on a floor, the world around me was entirely black, only strange patterns floating in the air beneath me. I grabbed hold of the light blue and azure door, pushing it open. Walked through it, another world spread out before me as I stepped through the door frame.

Closing it behind me, I took a look around. The world was filled with a variety of tall and different shaped blocks. All of them had different hues, but they were always in a cool tone, blues, purples, dull cyans. Never anything too bright, only soft and easy on the eyes. I felt a calm cover me, looking at the strange structures. They made me feel like I was in a world someone lovingly and carefully assembled with building blocks.

After enjoying a few quiet moments, I moved towards one of the structures near me. I wanted to know what it was made of. To the touch it felt smooth, like a well worn stone. Although peculiar, it felt warm. Like it had been handled recently. Once I had removed my hand from the stone, I heard a low laughter from behind me.

Hah... hah, hahaha!

I whirled around, looking to the source of the voice. It was Makoto's shadow. He had been sitting atop one of the stone structures, smoking. His face... the frown seemed to be permanently twisted into a curled grin as he looked down at me with those half-shut eyes of his. I felt my rage at the shade get the better of me and I shouted at him.

For some reason, my stutter vanished. "MAKOTO!" I shouted, clenching my fists as I stepped towards him.

What? He asked me, flicking his cigarette's ash towards me. "What are you doing?!" I shouted, realizing that the stutter that my dream always imposed on me had vanished. If my speech had vanished, that meant that my dreams recognized my need to talk now. My dream world realized I needed to confront Makoto. Did that mean that Makoto wasn't a part of my dreams like everything else was?

Makoto took a long drag off of his cigarette. I'm destroying them. He said to me after a long pause in which he exhaled a cloud of smoke. "Why, though? I don't understand. This is my only place left!" I called out, hoping I could reason with him. To get him to stop. His smile creaked and bent upwards even more. Why? Because I want to destroy you.

And with those words, more laughter rang out through the darkness of this block-filled world. I looked around me, wondering where the laughs were coming from. They weren't like shadow Makoto's, his was deeper, more coarse. These laughs were shrill, high and frantic. My heart stopped. Strange, bright pink eyes began to pierce through the darkness.

I tried to back away from them, but fear froze me in place. Eventually from within the darkness, the owners of those freakish pink eyes took shape, showing me their forms. Tall, thin and lanky females began moving towards me. Their eyes rolled around in their sockets as blood trickled from within their beak-like mouths and onto their purple or brown shirts.

Kill her.

It was when I heard those words coming from Makoto's shadow that I realized that I had to run. I turned and began running as fast as possible, hearing the shrieks coming from the deranged girls behind me. What were they? The looked like girls, but with the faces of birds. The even cawed and screeched like birds, too. These things... I had only seem them occasionally in my dreams and I tried to avoid them, even when they didn't chase me. They were Toriningen. Bird people.

As I ran, I could hear their screeches persisting just behind me. I turned sharply on my heels, grabbing a hold of the edges of the large stone structures, skidding around the corners as I continued to flee from the Toriningen. I panted heavily, having never run this much in one of my dreams before. I glanced over my shoulder for a brief moment, to see whether those lanky girls had caught up with me. They were just out of reach of the back of my shirt, which frightened me to no extent. They felt so hostile... my dreams weren't supposed to feel like this.

My dreams weren't supposed to have bad things in them. No pain, no more loss. No more bullies that chased me, jeering the entire time with their inhuman expressions. Just as I turned forward, a Toriningen jumped out from around a corner in front of me. I didn't expect that and for a brief moment, my body locked up in fear. I was only barely able to weave around the creature, just avoiding making physical contact with the freak.

I felt such disgust shake my body as I felt my breathing grew heavier while fleeing. It felt like if I let one of them touch me, I'd lose all sense of self and something horrible would happen to me. I kept running as hard as my body would let me, but eventually I felt myself losing strength. Looking behind me, the Toriningen flock had begun to slow, screaming and cawing at me as if they wanted me to run, to make the chase more fun.

I slowed down, looking all around me and catching my breath. Even if I had kept running, they would've caught me sooner or later anyways. All around me, I could see those tell-tale pink eyes glowing from around corners the Toriningen were hiding behind, blood-filled smiles just barely hidden by the warm, cool colored stones that were placed all around me. They all began creeping out of their hiding places, encircling me as their jeers lowered to cruel giggles. Their stances began to lower as they encircled me. I felt like I was a caterpillar about be pulled apart by a flock of ravens.

Was there anything left I could do? I couldn't let them catch me... the very core of my soul knew that I couldn't. It was an instinctual fear, like an antelope knew that a mountain lion was their mortal enemy. I grimaced as they began closing in on me. What could I do...? There had to be something. If I let shadow Makoto's minions get the best of me, how could I ever defeat him myself?

My frown grew as I realized I didn't have many options. What could I do? I couldn't run through their blockade... there were too many of them. If only I had something I could ram through them. Through the panic of the Toriningen being moments from attacking me, I realized my last option. I did have something to ram through them with. My bicycle. I reached to the keychain in my pocket, just grazing my fingertips across its surface.

As if responding to my plight, a white light burst from my pocket and took the shape of a bicycle, standing beside me. Not even waiting for it to take shape completely, I leaped onto it and kicked off, hoping to bash through the barricade of freakish girls. The Toriningen were at first blinded by the sudden light and didn't have time to react to my sudden actions. I had just enough space to build up ample momentum, just enough speed to ram my tire into the lanky legs of the nearest Toriningen.

The terrifying girl crumpled under the impact of my tires slamming into her knees, falling away from my path. For a brief moment, I felt a sensation of triumph. A second of relief, of reprieve in knowing that my foes weren't invincible and that I still could find a way to take back my own dreams. Pedaling as fast as I could, I could hear the screeches turn from frighteningly playful to outright murderous. Looking over my shoulder, I could see the Toriningen had entered a rage, their eyes had darkened from pink to a bloody red, their hands becoming clawed. Even their hair had become long and untamed, like they were becoming more bird than human.

Terror fueled my body as I whirled around corners, trying my hardest to avoid crashing into the walls that the narrow alleyways of stone created for me. The Toriningen weren't just chasing me on the ground, they had begun to climb the stone structures and were running along the tops, jumping from one to another in their chase for me. I kept pedaling, their bloodthirsty calls filling my ears and shaking the darkness. Why? Why was all of this happening to me? Why couldn't I have anything?!

As if my heart's steadily growing desperation effected my dreaming world, I turned a corner too sharply and slammed into a wall. I grunted as my shoulder slammed into the hard stone, my leg getting pinned between the cold metal of my bike and the distantly warm stone. Bouncing off of the wall threw me from the bike and sent me tumbling across the intangible black ground.

I panted, looking up from the ground. The Toriningen weren't slowing down this time and the amount of blood they were salivating showed that they were harboring a malevolent intent I feared to fathom. I scrambled to my feet, my body entirely devoid of energy and will to run. I had to at least struggle. I wasn't going to give this place up. As I ran as hard as I could, my lungs and limbs on fire, I finally collapsed, tripping over my own feet. I coughed, trying to gasp for breath. There was no way I could climb back to my feet. My body was too tired, too filled with aches and pains to continue.

This was it. The screeching was growing louder, more shrill and more frenetic. I grunted as I clamored to my hands and knees. I struggled to catch an even breath. Why bother? The shrieks were getting so loud. The enraged Toriningen had to be almost upon me. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't even strong enough to fight this misfortune off? As my tears fell into the infinite darkness of the ground, I saw something in front of me as I lifted my head. My keychain.

It must've fallen out of my pocket when I fell. The bike hadn't found its way back onto my chain, so there was only one thing that my eyes rested on. The stoplight that Makoto had given me. Could something that had cursed my dreams be able to save them now? I wondered... the Toriningen were seconds away. I lurched out for it, reaching it and closing my eyes as I pressed down on the button atop the stoplight keychain.

Beep.

I laid still, not moving, not breathing. Nothing happened. I opened my eyes, looking over my shoulder behind me. My heart nearly stopped for a second when I saw that I had just made it in the nick of time. Three Toriningen with countless others behind them, had leapt at me and were almost six inches from landing on top of me. I let loose a breath of relief as I crawled out from under them, looking at the world around me. The keychain's green light had turned to a deep red. With it, my pursuers had stopped.

Although I felt sickened at the concept of being saved by the same tool that brought pain to my sister, I was glad that it was able to stop foes. I stood up, walking away from the Toriningen and finding a place that I could collapse safely and relax. I really needed to catch my breath. Even though my breathing had finally evened out, my knees wouldn't stop shaking. The Toriningen had terrified me to the very core. Those things... they were direct embodiments of the girls who used to bully me in real life.

I glared at them as I stood yards away from them. Frantic, evil, crazed things. No humanity left in them... that's how I viewed the girls who used to torture me back in middle school. I sighed, turning away from them. They were frozen for now, but who was to say how long that'd last? What if they unfroze and I hadn't gotten away? While I was safe, I needed to make sure I'd remain safe.

As I walked through the murky darkness of the block-laden world, I saw something unusual in the distance. It looked like the movement of what looked like a human, but all I was able to catch was a glimpse of a scarf darting around the corner of one of the tall block structures. What was that? I ignored the shaking in my body and started chasing after the phantom scarf. Something was moving in this world that should be frozen. What was it?

After turning the corner, I watched the scarf disappear around another corner, this time the pom-pom of a hat jutting out as well. A hat and scarf? It was a person. A person in my dreams... there weren't many and this was one I had never seen before. Who were they? I continued chasing after whoever this was, ignoring the heavy beating of my heart against my ribcage. If the person was moving, that meant they weren't a foe... it meant they had to be either neutral or an ally.

"Wait!" I called out as I was within hand's reach of the scarf as it vanished around another corner. My fingers were true in finding their target and I clasped my hands around the scarf. "Oof!" I heard from around the corner as a hollow thud resounded against the stone structures.

Turning the corner, I saw a small girl in a dark purple shirt, bangs obscuring her eyes. She wore a skirt similar to mine and a pair of black shoes. A snow hat and scarf adorned her head and neck and she rubbed her behind as she stood up. I stared at her, never having seen them before. "Who... are you?" I asked and she seemed to be taken aback. "You can see me?" She asked. I nodded slowly. A smile broke across her face. "Really?" She asked, almost excitedly.

I nodded slowly. Why shouldn't I be able to? "No one can ever see me." She said, her eyes obscured by long bangs cut in a straight line. "Well, here." I mumbled to myself, handing her back her scarf. "Thanks." She said to me, draping it around her shoulders and walking away.

"So, you don't know who I am, huh?" She asked me. I nodded quietly. I did ask her who she was, didn't that mean I didn't? "That's a shame..." The girl said somewhat sadly to herself. "Are you always here?" I asked. I didn't often come through this world and when I had, I hadn't ever seen her before. She nodded quietly, adjusting her hat. "Yup, all the time. I guess you could say I built this world."

"Then why haven't I ever seen you before?" I asked her briefly. I was unused to my voice. It sounded coarse and shallow to me. "I think I'm invisible to everyone else here. I don't know why, but something about you let you see me." She said with a shrug. "I don't care though, I'm glad I have company for once. I'm always alone here." She said, kicking her feet out playfully as she walked. "Since you've asked me a couple questions, I'm going to ask you a few, Madotsuki." She said. I paused. I thought it was strange that she knew my name, but there was no reason for her not to.

I guess I found it more odd how she was the only other person to have spoken to me in my dreams. The first person was Makoto's shadow only a few nights ago. I guess my dreams were beginning to get stirred up by Makoto and as a result, my dreams had begun to interact with me. Was it to help me save my dreams? I sighed. This was getting strange. Maybe it was better if I didn't try to understand any of it?

"Are you on my side?" I asked, realizing that she may be another minion of Makoto's. She nodded. "Of course. I don't like them nasty birds in this world any more than you do. They're filthy, make a mess of my buildings..." She said, looking upset with the concept of being allied with them. I'd be kinda annoyed too. Those things drooled blood everywhere and I'm sure they scratched the smooth stone with their hawk-like claws.

But in the end, it seemed she was on my side. Before I knew it, I realized that I had followed the scarf girl to a clearing, away from all of the structures. "Where are we-" I began to ask, but the scarf girl laughed at me. "You've got nothing but questions, huh? Maybe this is why we didn't let you talk before." She said with a grin. I shut my mouth and looked away abashedly. "Don't worry about it. When you found me, I realized I had to help you. You'd never have been able to see me unless the other dreams had given you the means to do so." She began.

"So now I'm going to let you in on a little secret before I let you go." The girl said. I nodded quietly, not wanting to talk lest I be reprimanded by my dream's inhabitant again. She began undoing her scarf and looked at it as she spoke her next sentence. "Each of the worlds you dream about have meanings and memories. And that shadow is infecting them, trying to destroy them. He doesn't want you to have any place to feel safe." She said, running her fingers along the scarfs woolen fabric.

"You don't have the ability to face him yet. You've been trying to suppress your memories, hiding each of them in a vague dream. Makoto wants to destroy all of them so he can destroy you from within. You have to explore each of your dream's worlds so you can eventually face him." She said, wrapping the scarf around my neck. "I'm going to send you out of this world, to another world where you can continue your journey. You'll be safe there, Makoto shouldn't know where you went." She told me as she began removing her hat, looking at it with a longing sigh.

"He'll destroy every little bit of this world while he looks for you. So I want to tell you everything about this world that I can while you're still here." She told me. "Do you remember long ago, Madotsuki? The winters in middle school? When you had no friends?" She asked. I frowned, not wanting to remember. But I had to. My dreams were telling me that I had to, so I could face Makoto. If I could face Makoto's shadow after completing this journey and defeat him, I could return to my peaceful life within my dreams.

I nodded slowly. "When everyone else left school and went to spend time with friends and family, you hid behind the school. You didn't want to go home to that lonely apartment." She said, her expression turning sad. "So you brought building blocks with you. You cleared a space in the snow and while you were alone, you created little buildings. A small world where you imagined a perfect life, filled with perfect people." Her voice began shuddering as if her words were becoming harder and harder to speak.

"It was when the girls who couldn't understand you found you behind the school that things became tough. All you wanted was peace and quiet, but they insisted on bullying you because you were different. Because you thought differently than them, because you had suffered more than they had and because you couldn't relate to them. Their life was all about boys and fashion, yours was all about finding that little bright spot that would make life worth living." The scarf girl's voice began to raise, volume equating to her frustration at what happened to me in the past.

My heart began to tremble with her words as I felt remembrance flood into me. Her volume lowered, her tone sad. "That girl... the girl who suffered so much and struggled to find that perfect world," She began, looking up at me as she placed her hat atop my head. "We're the same." She moved aside her long bangs and I felt a slight shock. Her eyes... they were mine. This younger girl was a younger me, and the guardian of this world. I was dumbstruck as she gave me a weak smile and waved faintly to me, stepping away from me. She began fading away, becoming snowflakes on an unseen wind. They whirled around me, blinding me with the bright whiteness of the snow.

When the snowflakes' cold embrace pulled away from me, I was atop one of the stone structures and standing besides a large black door of sorts. It wasn't a door in a normal sense, it seemed more like a large gate made of black stone. There was no apparent way to open it, either. I sighed, looking at the scarf and hat I was now wearing. I lifted the scarf in my hand, looking to the dull maroon wool.

The world was trembling a little, as if resisting some kind of force. I looked to my keychain that I had pocketed after activating and saw that the stoplight's red light was flickering. I guess my time was up and so was this world's. What a melancholy sensation... I walked towards the black gate and pressed a hand to it, wondering what I had to do to pass through it.

Apparently touching it was all I needed to do.

The world around me unfroze for a moment when I touched it and I could hear the screeching of the Toriningen renew with increased frustration and anger at the fact that I had vanished from their grasp. Everything turned to black around me, small lines of white etching themselves out from the umbra around me. It was like a world was trying to carve itself out from the inside of my mind.

After minutes of that white scratching out the black, I found myself gazing at the place I had been before Makoto set fire to the white desert. It was a small stone building, with two entrances and a strange path that looped through both of the passageways. Looking to my left and right, it looked like the rest of the world had been destroyed completely. To me, it seemed like the rest of it had been scribbled out with charcoal, dark smudges obscuring the white of this monochrome world.

I sighed, looking forward. Beside that stone building, there was an odd man standing in front of it. He had an enormous nose and a neatly combed hairstyle, but entirely empty eyes. He simply stared at me, adjusting a ragged two-piece suit. I ignored him, walking by. I glanced at him, seeing if he would follow where I went with his eyes. He didn't budge a single limb, just kept his place standing in front of the building. As I walked into the building, I saw that there was nothing within. Just a small passageway to the other side of the building, through the other passageway on the left.

I walked out of the building, trying to understand what this meant. This world had been destroyed, but this part had been preserved so I could meet Monoe again. There was something here that I was overlooking. My dreams had lead me here so I could meet her, but I couldn't. What was it that I wasn't doing? As I walked out of the building, I looked out to where I had been standing when I first arrived in this world.

I leaned against the corner of the building, trying to think up what I wasn't understanding. This was where Monoe was, wasn't she? This was where I was trying to seek refuge when Monoko was transformed by the stoplight that Makoto's shadow gave me. Now here I was, leaning against the jagged stone building, trying to figure out what it was that was preventing me from seeing her.

This was probably some kind of trick created by Makoto to keep me from reaching Monoe. As my mind started to resurface out of my thoughts, I realized there was something shiny laying in the white sands of the desert. Walked towards it, its shape became more recognizable. It was a wooden handled kitchen knife. The very same that Makoto had been holding in the dream that he set fire to this world.

I kneeled over it, staring at the sharp knife. It looked like it was polished. Why was Makoto's shadow leaving these things everywhere? First he gives me the stoplight, then the bicycle and now his knife? Was this a trap or something? I shrugged. I might as well take it with me for protecting myself... as I reached over to touch it, it turned to a strange kind of light, like the other effects of my keychain. But the light that it turned to as it reformed on my keychain was different. It was a dark, thick red. The bicycle had turned to a white light whenever I used it.

It felt strange, having this weapon at hand now. Turning back towards the building and seeing that strange man, something clicked. I began to see through my dream, seeing what lay underneath the veil that I had laid over it. This jagged, lonesome stone building... it was my mind's representation of Monoe's home that she was imprisoned in until the day she had to move away.

And that man in front of it was its guard, her father. The man who kept me from seeing her and saying goodbye on that day. What made me remember? I felt something forming in my hand, something viscous and disgusting. As it took shape, I felt something else taking shape within me. A deep seeded hatred began bubbling up from within my chest. A hatred for the man before me. And that hatred was also manifesting in the form of a knife in my hand.

I looked to it and then to the man in front of me, the man who stared at me without any heart in his eyes. Without any spirit or soul or feelings. A smile that consisted of all of my pain, agony and bitterness spread across my face. I stepped towards him, brandishing my knife overhead. I remember thinking back then that if I had just killed him, I could keep my dear friend. But I didn't. Why didn't I do it? It would've been so much easier to have actually done so. I brought down my knife on him, the tip shearing gently through his suit and the top layer of his chest's skin. He stumbled backwards, a spray of blood spattering across my face.

Yes, this would've been the easiest solution. I could've just killed him. I threw myself at him, plunging the tip of the knife into his stomach this time, listening to his low, pained groan with an intensifying smile. I should've just taken back what was being taken from me. I'd had enough taken from me, was I so selfish for wanting one thing to keep me happy?

I frantically pulled out the knife from his abdomen and slammed it into his chest, tearing with all my might through his ribs. Blood flowed freely out of the gaping wounds and onto my skirt, legs and hands, but it didn't matter. It didn't disgust me. I was already disgusted. I was already disgusting. I was a filthy existence that I couldn't justify anymore.

Strike after blow after stab, I had filled his body with jagged wounds from which his essence spilled from. After mutilating his body, he faded away and I heaved a relieved sigh. I felt so much better now. Dropping the knife, I walked into the stone building. Instead of the darkness being a looping exit, there was a large definitionless room within the building. Deep inside, I could see her.

"Monoe!" I called out happily, completely different from the person who had murdering her father. She turned towards me, her unique smile on her face. Her features weren't as blurred as my sisters, but the color had run from her figure. "Hello, Madotsuki." She said calmly as I hugged her. She felt limp in my arms, not hugging me back. "How's it been? Want to hang out or do something fun?" I asked with a smile, wanting to spend as much time with her forgetting about the outside world as possible.

She shook her head. My eyebrows furrowed and I tilted my head. "Why not?" I asked. Her smile never faded. "Because you've changed. You're not the old Madotsuki I used to know." She said. I felt a fear growing in my chest. "What are you talking about...?" I asked. "I'm still me! See?" I asked, forcing a smile that I used to give her in the past. Monoe's smile seemed to fold a little, only at the corners as she closed her eyes. She shook her head again.

"No, you're not. Look at you." She told me, pointing to my clothes. "You're not healthy anymore. You just killed without remorse." Monoe told me. I was shocked. "But... he was keeping us apart! You told me you didn't want to leave me because I didn't have anyone anymore!" I exclaimed, a pain in my chest tearing me apart. Monoe's smile shot through me. "But you have to understand, Monoe is gone." She said, her smile widening.

"These memories of yours, why are you holding onto them? They're whats making you sick, Madotsuki." Monoe reached out to me with her hand, taking a gentle hold of my hand, intertwining her fingers in mine. What was she trying to tell me? "I'm just trying to help you because I care. You need to let go of us." She said, her smile growing. I was speechless. Was she abandoning me? How could... how could my own dreams abandon me? What was going on?

"I can't, I need you." I told her, but she shook her head. "You don't. Trust me. You'll figure it out sooner or later. I know you'll understand. But you have to say goodbye to these pointless memories. They'll only keep hurting you." Monoe told me. She began pulling her hands away from me. I shook my head, anxiety building up in me. "No..." I muttered to myself as she stepped backwards and away from me.

I reached out towards her, but she just kept smiling and walking away. Eventually she stopped, and a hand reached out from the darkness, placing its hand on her shoulder. What...? The darkness behind Monoe began to ripple as a body stepped through it. It was Makoto's shadow. His translucent frown was still twisted into a smile. Why... why was Monoe with Makoto now? Was she betraying me? Terror ran like cold water through my veins as I struggled to understand what was going on.

A painful series of flashes filled my eyes as Monoe's skin and face became the smoky gray color of Makoto's. Through the flashes, I could see Monoe's face. It had been replaced by Makoto's grin and his laughter sounded again. The pain mixed with the fright of seeing my closest friend defect to shadow Makoto's side was enough to knock me out. I fainted, my body colliding with the darkness, which exploded into light.

I lurched awake, drenched in a cold sweat. I placed my hands in my face, breathing sharply. What... why did I have such horrible dreams constantly? Lifting my face from my hands, I looked out towards balcony. The door was slightly ajar and I could hear a faint snoring from it. I waited for my body to finally relax before I hopped off of my bed to investigate what the sound was.

Walking out onto the balcony barefoot, I saw the real Makoto sitting, slumped against the railing and snoring gently. My empty eyes lingered on him for a moment. He seemed so peaceful while he slept. He looked carefree, his extinguished cigarette sitting on his lap. I sighed, sitting down beside him and leaning against his chest, my head tucked underneath his chin.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep... but being around him was nice. I used to see the real Makoto as a bit of a hassle and an unwanted intrusion, but now that even my dream world was falling apart, what did I really have? All I had was this room, a couple games and this person. And that's all I had. My dreams that were once everything were being taken away from me. I didn't want to lose this too.

I curled up against Makoto. I had never been this afraid to be alone before.


	7. Broken

Birds chirping and the sound of breathing made me self-aware of the fact that I was asleep. My eyes crept open slowly and I looked over to the small clothesline, where a couple birds were resting, chirping happily. I looked up at the sky. It was a warm orange-red color. The sun must've just been rising. I yawned as I adjusted myself against the balcony's railing, closing my eyes again.

Wait, the balcony? What was I doing on the balcony? I opened my eyes and looked to the source of the sound of breathing I had heard while waking. Looking down, I saw Mado huddled against me, asleep. Well, that was unusual. I yawned a bit and took a moment to collect my thoughts. I must've sat down because I was feeling tired and ended up falling asleep against the fence. That made sense, but what made Mado want to come out here with me, though?

I watched her shudder a bit as she slept. Maybe she had a nightmare and felt safer near me? Who knew. It didn't matter anyways, I didn't have work today either. I shook Madotsuki awake. "Hey, Mado. Time to wake up." I said as she grumbled a bit. "Don't gimme that. Just wake up, alright?" I asked as I stood up and stretched. Madotsuki yawned and simply stared at the balcony's concrete floor.

I looked to her as I moved towards the glass door, reaching out with a hand to open it. Mado's hair was matted and it looked kind of greasy. "Why don't you take a shower, too? Your hair looks like it'll thank you." I said with a laugh as she raised a hand to her braided ponytail, looking at it dejectedly. Pulling the glass door over, I left it open so she could walk through after me whenever she wanted. I walked towards the door to the apartment, opening it and closing it behind me as I exited. I then began walking towards the staircase that lead to the eighth floor.

I wondered what I'd make for breakfast. I could easily make waffles, pancakes or bacon and sausage... toast was a requirement of any breakfast, as was eggs. I scratched my chin as I walked towards the community kitchen. It wasn't the best and it wasn't always perfectly clean, but it didn't bother me too much. I was used to cleaning stovetops at my job.

I grabbed a skittle and a frying pan, having decided on making pancakes, bacon, eggs and toast. It was simple order, something I usually did a dozen or two times during the breakfast runs on busy mornings. I was able to cook it fairly fast without compromising quality. Ahh, the skills you gain when a chef. I looked amiably at my creations. Fluffy pancakes and eggs, nice and crisp bacon. Golden toast on the side. "Perfect." I said happily as I grabbed the plates, holding one in my hand and then a couple on my forearm and bicep, the fourth plate in my right hand.

"Well... how the *** am I supposed to open a door like this?" I muttered to myself. "Would you like some help?" Someone asked from behind me. "Uh, sure. Could you grab-" I asked, turning around. A pretty looking young brunette woman was standing there. "You're new." I said, my train of thought suddenly hopping tracks. She laughed. "Yes, I am. How'd you know? Are you a resident?" She asked. I tilted my head left and right. "In a sense. Could ya grab these plates from my arm?" I asked with a grin. She did so and I placed the plate in my right hand on my forearm as I walked towards the stairs.

"Well, aren't you coordinated." She said with a smile. I shrugged. "I do this all the time, sometimes when there isn't enough waiters at the diner, I have to carry some food out." I said and she seemed interested. "Oh, you're a chef?" She inquired. I nodded. "Yep. Work at a small diner." I said. The woman looked to the plates as I lead her up the dim stairwell that lead to Mado's apartment.

"Uhhh... are you visiting someone?" The woman asked as I opened the door and the sound of running water came from within the room. "Yep. Mado, breakfast is done so hurry up in the shower. I don't want the food to go cold." I called into the room after taking the plates from the woman and placed them on the table. The girl's voice responded, which I didn't expect. "Ok." Madotsuki called out from the small shower room.

"Is she your lover...?" The woman asked, suddenly looking abashed. I laughed, not realizing that she looked depressed at the concept. "No, I'm just her guardian. She's only fifteen. A kid." I said. The woman looked confused at my statement of being a 'guardian'. It wasn't completely true, but it mostly was. I had no legal rights, but I did take care of her like a guardian did. "She's a shut-in, never comes out. Someone's got to take care of her." I said as I stood in the doorway. "Either way, she'll be *** if I let someone else in here, so this is goodbye." I said, extending a hand. "Makoto." I said, introducing myself briefly. She smiled and shook it daintily. "Aimi." She said. I nodded. "Pretty name. Well, if I see you again, I'll make sure to say hi." I said with a slight wave, closing the door.

I sat down at the desk, resisting reaching over and beginning to eat the food. Instead, I saw a fresh header in Madotsuki's dream diary. It seemed she stopped labeling the days and month now. Instead, it was just a long passage. Turning in the seat to read, I read about things that shocked me. Things I didn't know about her. How she started being bullied, how she felt when she lost her best friend. What she wanted to do to Monoe's father. What my shadow self had been doing within her mind. It also seemed her dreams were starting to blend with her past.

I paused for a moment. So, back then in elementary school was when she first started getting bullied? And she never had anyone to defend her until middle school until she met Monoe, who was taken from her shortly after. I sighed. The kid never seemed to catch a break, did she? And even when she did seem to finally get a bit of relief, it was always a cruel joke that life laughed at her expense. It really depressed me at times, how badly she always got the short end of the stick.

Just as I was thinking that our food was getting cold, the water in the small bathroom shut off. "Finally..." I muttered to myself as the door opened and Madotsuki walked out, topless, only a pair of white panties on. I froze for a moment as she dried off her hair with the towel, walking towards her bed. "Hey, whoa. Put a shirt on or something." I said, looking away from her.

Madotsuki left the towel on her head, brushing aside a long wet strand of hair from her face. "Why?" She asked, as if there wasn't such a thing as decency. "Well, you're a girl. You shouldn't be walking around shirtless around other people." I told her matter-of-factly. She walked back in front of my view, moving her hair away from her chest, a strange smile on her face.

"This is my apartment. I can walk around without a top if I want." She said as I diverted my eyes again. "What?" She asked, the grin becoming even more deviant. "Don't like what you see?" She asked. I focused my gaze on her eyes, my expression incredulous. I didn't believe this. "What the *** are you saying?" I asked and Madotsuki's smile remained. "You can touch if you want." She said, her hands reaching out for mine. I pulled them away. "No!" I exclaimed, horrified that she'd suggest something like that.

"Why not?" She asked, her frown folded into a neat crease. "It's not like my body is anything special to me." She said, her voice lowering and her tone becoming dire. "I'm broken, anyways. No one will want a broken toy." She said, a tone of sadness in her voice that resonated through me. I sighed at her, reaching over to a dresser that was built into the bottom of her bookshelf. I pulled out one of her pink turtlenecks and one of her small bras, motioning for her to come closer to me.

I removed the towel from Madotsuki's head and handed her the bra to put on. She frowned to herself, accepting defeat. "Arms up." I commanded softly, to which she listened reluctantly. Mado raised her arms up slowly and I pulled her shirt over her head. After that, I pulled her into a hug, surprising her. "It's not that I don't_want _you or that I think you're broken." I said to Madotsuki as she remained limp in my arms. "I just care about you, alright? You shouldn't just throw yourself at someone like that. Wait for someone you love before you start offering stuff like that to." I said as I pulled away from her.

"You understand?" I asked. She looked at me, her eyes half open. In the half of her irises that I could see, I could see a mix of emotions. Part of those emotions seemed to be embarrassment, the other portion seeming like a kind of rejection. Eventually she nodded. "Good. Now, lets eat. I'll brush your hair afterwards." I said, which seemed to cheer her up at least. I handed Mado her plate and finally dug into my own food. I was pretty hungry and cooking the food made me even hungrier. After eating, I placed the fork down and looked to one of the bookshelf's shelves. They were filled with stupid books her uncle had read ages ago. I remember seeing a brush on one of the shelves before.

Eventually I found it. "Aha." I mumbled to myself triumphantly as I turned back to Madotsuki. She still wasn't wearing a skirt, but at least her long shirt covered most of her. "Alright, let me sit there." I said, motioning for her to sit on the floor in front of where she had been sitting on her bed. The difference in height would make it easier for me to brush her hair. I sat behind her as she faced away from me.

As I brushed her hair, she managed to grab her system's remote control with her toes. Dragging the remote and the system slightly towards her, she was able to play the game I had given her while I brushed her hair. I tried to be gentle with Madotsuki, but her hair was riddled with knots. "Jeez, when was the last time you showered and brushed your own hair?" I asked, tugging at her hair's resilient knot's. Mado didn't seem bothered by my tugging, which was good at least. A low hum came from Madotsuki as she thought. "Maybe last week?" She answered with a question. I sighed. "That's not healthy, kiddo." I told her as I managed to brush a majority of the knots out of her hair.

"This is nice, isn't it?" I asked her as I looked at my handiwork. Nice, smooth, straight brown hair. Madotsuki tilted her head back, looking up at me. "Mhm." She said and I paused. She was a cute kid. Nice face, pretty eyes. She'd probably be able to find someone easily if she overcame her obstacles. It only ever seemed she was the one holding herself back. It wasn't like her stutter was there anymore and I'm sure no one would remember her if she went back to school. It'd been a while since she dropped out. She'd have a fresh start. Well, one step at a time.

"It's like we're friends." Madotsuki said as she played Dreams of the Colossus, defeating randomly encountered monsters as she adventured through a massive overworld. I bopped her on the head with the brush before I put it down on her bed. "That's because we are, knucklehead." I said as I grabbed her long hair and divided it into two. "We are?" Madotsuki asked, pausing the game for a moment. "Duh. Why else would I have stuck by you this long? I think of you as my friend and I care about you. I'm not here because I feel like I have to be." I told her. Madotsuki was silent, her hands not moving as her game remained paused. "Oh." She said as if the thought had never crossed her mind until now.

It wouldn't surprise me if it hadn't. I mean, how many times did I try and reach out to her? Not often until recently did I try. Eventually she unpaused her game and I continued to work on her hair. With one of her hair's divisions, I began braiding it like it normally was. A girl I dated a long time ago taught me how to do this because she always had trouble doing her own hair. Once I finished braiding it, I looked around for her beaded elastic. Where was it? "Hey, Mado. Hold this for me. Make sure to hold it tight or the braid will come out. Gotta find your elastics." I said and she took hold of them. "They're on the sink." She said as I got up. "Ah, thanks." I responded as I head into the bathroom. I rarely ever used it, it was so tiny and cramped. It was an addition her uncle made to the room, this room was originally a storage room. But when they were the only family that could take Madotsuki, he had to renovate it and put in a bathroom. Walking into the bathroom, I found them fairly quickly after turning on the light. They were right across from me, sitting on the sink's lip. Grabbing them, I flicked the light off and walked into the main room of the apartment.

Walking out, I saw that Madotsuki was frantically wiping her eyes with one hand. I paused for a moment and she saw me staring at her. She lowered her head, letting her bangs fall into her eyes. Was she… crying? I sat back down behind her and took back the braid from her, tying it up and beginning on her second braid. After I did that one as well, I wondered why she might've been crying. Did I do something wrong? "I'm really happy we're friends." Madotsuki said softly after a long silence. Ah, that's what it was. I smiled to myself as I pat her on the head. "Good. You deserve to be happy." I told her as I finished her braids and grabbed the plates on her desk. "I'm gonna go wash these, I'll be back in a little." I said, eliciting a nod of acknowledgment from her. And before, she wouldn't even glance my way when I'd say things like that… I was surprised at how much progress so little progress actually felt like.

I brought down the plates and began to wash them off. Happiness and friends. Two things that went hand in hand. Madotsuki had been alienated for so long because of her awkward stutter and strange outlook on things. Her entry had got me thinking. She had made only one friend after Monoe before dropping out of school. A girl named Poniko. Just her name floating through my mind was enough to make me cringe. She was well known as the girl who controlled everyone in our combined junior and senior highschool. In the same grade as me, the thin, intelligent beauty was a terror if your interests ever crossed hers.

But somehow, Madotsuki and Poniko became close friends. It was a time in Madotsuki's life that was absolutely hands-off for me. That terror Poniko had a hatred for me but couldn't do much about it, most of her flunkies were good friends of mine or respected me more than they respected her. I was in a gray zone out of her reach. But when Madotsuki was with her, she also fell into a gray zone I couldn't reach. I frowned to myself as I scrubbed the syrup off of the plates. For someone who had made such a solemn vow to protect her, I sure did a *** job of keeping it back then.

Finished with my dishes, I went back upstairs to Madotsuki's room. When I got up there, I saw that Madotsuki had put down her game and was under her covers, her face just peeking out from the brim. "Going to sleep?" I asked, causing her to nod her head. "Makoto…" She began tentatively, as if she were going to ask me something. "Hm?" I asked, sitting at her desk. "You said you're a chef where you work." Madotsuki followed up. I nodded slowly. "Yep." I answered. "Do you have work tomorrow?" She asked. I flicked open my phone. It was Saturday. Tomorrow was Sunday. I had the weekend off. "Nope." I responded. "Could you… stay here with me?" She asked. I chuckled. "Well…" I began, looking at my opened phone. I would probably be getting messages from friends asking where I was and if I would be available to hang out with them.

I held down the power button on my phone, shutting it off. "***, why not." I said as my phone turned off and I closed it. "Only if you try to get some good dreams, alright?" I asked and Madotsuki nodded as she turned over onto her side, closing her eyes. "Could you turn off the room's light?" She asked me as she opened her eyes slowly. "Oh, sure." I said, walking over to the lightswitch and reaching for it tentatively. She hated the dark for reasons I didn't know. She always slept with the light on and hid from it under her covers. But now… it was like she was slowly coming out of her own shell, trying to confront the darkness. As I flicked it off, I saw in the dim light of her television that her eyes were still wide open.

"Don't turn the TV off, ok?" She asked and I grinned to myself. "Sure. I'll make a save file and play some Dreams of the Colossus while you sleep." I said, walking over to the side of her bed and leaning against it while picking up her remote. "Good night." Madotsuki said softly, in a strange tone. I guess she was joking around with me, seeing as it was around seven in the morning. I saved her game and started my own file, sitting in the darkness during the early morning. Not even light was piercing through her glass door, she had closed it tight and drawn the black curtain over it. Even though it was morning outdoors, in this room, in this world, it felt like the darkest night as I sat in front of that television.

I couldn't think of much to say in response to Madotsuki. The darkness around me seemed to trap in my wit and humor, only enabling me to respond with a soft statement. "Sleep well."


	8. Fear of the Dark

My heart was racing. Makoto had turned off the lights. But there was still that little bit of dull gray light coming from the television. I focused on it through my eyelids as I closed my eyes completely, listening to the clicking of Makoto playing on my video game console. I clenched my fists around the hem of my bedsheet, trying to even my unbalanced breaths. I could feel my eyelids trembling as I tried to face the darkness. The darkness… where did it come from? Why did it chase me? I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to drift away into sleep.

"Hey." I heard from the base of my bed as I felt a weight against my leg. I opened my eyes and saw Makoto leaning his head back against my leg. "Relax, alright? Nothing to be afraid of while I'm here." He said, glancing at me with taciturn eyes. "Right…" I muttered as I closed my eyes, feeling more relaxed. Makoto was right. In this darkness, there wasn't anything that'd hurt me. Because Makoto was there. He wouldn't let anything hurt me. I reached over to my desk, grabbing a few pills. They'd help me sleep easier. They always did. When I didn't take them, the dreams would be… worse. Just before I tossed the pills into the back of my mouth, I looked at them sadly. Why weren't they working anymore? My dreams had begun to become scary again.

I guess it didn't matter. This time, it wasn't darkness that enveloped me and carried me off into the depths of my dreams. Instead, it was the light of the television that swarmed through my eyelids and my body was wrapped in an odd warmth. It carried me within my blankets through the numbness of sleep, into the realm of my dreams. Eventually the dull gray light began to recede from the edges of my sight, focusing into a single form. A rectangle. The world around me then came into focus. I was inside my apartment, sitting in front of my television screen. The lights were off here, too.

But that wasn't the point: Why wasn't I on the balcony? As I thought about the balcony, it seemed that my sense of sound returned to me. I could hear heavy thudding and screeching coming from behind me. Distantly, but close enough for me to hear. I whirled around, knowing that screech to belong to the Toriningen. Just as I expected, they were behind the glass of my screen door, pounding and scraping at the glass. Makoto's shadow was there too, his frown twisted into an angry scowl as his fists collided with the glass door. But what was keeping them from opening it? It was hard to see, the room was dark. But a single flame erupted out of the darkness, lighting an orange ember of a cigarette.

It floated in the air, nothing suspending it. Then the glow of the ember grew and with it a cloud of white smoke filled the air, taking the form of a human shape, as if it were filling the boundaries of an invisible container. What was going on? After a few moments, the white smoke solidified and I realized who it was. Makoto? Clothes formed around his smoke-like figure, his hair and features becoming more recognizable. He had his back pressed to the door, his body lurching slightly forward as he calmly exhaled a breath of smoke. He lifted his hand and pointed across my apartment.

_Get going, I can't keep the door closed forever. _He said, soft laughter filling the air. I looked horrified at first, fearing what would happen to him if I left him behind in the presence of these creatures. _Don't worry, just get going, kiddo. _He reassured me, motioning for me to get going with a single hand. I frowned at him, but took his advice. I turned and grasped hold of the door he pointed to, pulling it open and walking boldly into the darkness of my Nexus. Slamming the door behind me, the darkness of the Nexus seemed to tremble a bit. I wanted to be strong in face of Makoto. That Makoto… the one made of white smoke. Was he the good counterpart to the evil shadow form of Makoto? I groaned as I leaned backwards against the door that lead back to my apartment.

Why Makoto, of all people? Why did he even appear in my dreams in the first place? Everything would've been better if there hadn't even been a shadow Makoto. As I walked away from the door behind me, I could hear heavy thudding coming from behind it now. Had they already gotten past smoke Makoto? I braced myself to start running, but suddenly the door dissolved into white smoke and became Makoto. _Sorry about that. _He said with a sigh, fixing his hair. It seemed to be a bit messier than before. I glanced at him oddly. "I don't understand any of this." I muttered to myself. Smoke Makoto shrugged. _That's expected, your head __**is**__ a mess, Mado. _He told me as he walked past me and into the darkness of the Nexus. "What are you doing here?" I asked him. He was silent, inhaling on his cigarette as his steps trailed small wisps of smoke behind him.

_Well, let's think about it. _Smoke Makoto said as he placed his hands on his hips. _What's the daily dosage of your medicines? _He asked me. I scratched the back of my leg with one of my shoes. Honestly, I wasn't too sure. I started ignoring the recommended dosage once my dreams started to get worse little by little over time. After a while, I started disregarding the dosage completely and consumed as much as I thought I'd need to sleep peacefully. _Two a day for your anti-anxiety, your anti-psychotic once a day and your anti-depressant once a day once you wake up and eat._ Smoke Makoto told me in a disparaging tone. _Your mind is a fragile thing, once you start messing with it, it'll snap. And with medicine, the more you take over time, the less effective it becomes in total. Your medicine isn't helping anymore. _He told me. I frowned, clenching my teeth and looking towards the dark floor of the Nexus.

"Can't I just get stronger medicines?" I asked Makoto. He laughed. _What good will that do? You'll just prolong the inevitable. I think you should just get __**it **__over with as soon as possible. _He said. "It…?" I asked, stepping towards him. _You'll get it in a little while. _What was that supposed to mean? I reached out to him, trying to grab hold of his arm. He seemed like one of the most focused of my mind's creations; I wanted him to tell me everything he could. I wanted to know what _it_ was, why there was an evil version of himself trying to harm me and destroy my dreams. But as I grabbed hold of his arm, my fingers sunk right through him. Instead, I was left with a handful of smoke that rose lazily out of my palm.

_You'll see._

He dissipated into smoke again and I was left alone in the Nexus. As I looked around, I saw that all of the doors had been shattered, torn to pieces and scattered around the Nexus' dark, invisible floor. It was a depressing sight, really. These doors were all extensions of myself, worlds that my mind had created. In a way, they were like my family. I sighed, watching the smoke Makoto left behind linger in the air. It began to float towards a certain pile of wooden shards, each either a dark or light shade of purple. I followed it curiously, wondering what smoke Makoto was planning to do.

The smoke began moving faster, turning to thin, quickly moving wisps. They shot at the shards, weaving through them and lifting them into the air. The bits of wood began to suspend in the air and bind together, the smoke seeping out between the cracks. The door that had been a pile of splinters was now held together by that strange smoke that Makoto was made of. With a sigh that sounded like a person exhaling, the door slowly opened towards me, as if it beckoned for me to enter.

Through the door came a billowing snowfall that stung my warm face. Snow? Another world I hadn't entered before. Or maybe I had, I didn't always recall all of my dreams. Regardless, this seemed to be the only place for me to go. I looked to my feet. Could I just spend forever here, until I woke up? Then I could see the real Makoto again and just avoid all of these painful, scary dreams. I kneeled down, falling backwards onto my behind. "I don't want to." I mumbled to myself, expecting some kind of response. I stared ahead at the world beyond the doorway, a snowy squall whipping through the air of that world. After a while of staring, I felt myself growing tired. My head drooped and I felt my eyes becoming heavy. Well, I guess I could take a nap. I didn't really care what'd happen, so long as I would wake up. I just wanted to wake up.

As I felt my eyelids coating my vision with darkness, I felt a small laugh building within me. When had I ever _wanted_ to wake up? I didn't know, but it was unusual. I guess it was because everything was changing around me, now I was changing too.

_If you can complete this journey, you won't have any dreams for a while. Is this alright with you? _It sounded like Makoto's voice was talking to me through the darkness. Sure, why not? How much harder could this dream be than my last? Or the ones before it? Horror and pain had filled me, I was pretty sure I could take on whatever lay before me. And even if it was bad, I'd get a break from the horrible dreams, finally. Makoto's voice spoke through the darkness of my closed eyes again. _You accept? _He questioned. I smiled to myself. _Sure. _I thought as I drifted away into sleep.

As I slept, I began to feel a strange chill gathering around me. It was ignorable at first, but then it began to grow and grow, until it felt like my whole body was coated in frost. Because of the cold, I started to shiver awake. I probably should've closed the door before I decided to fall asleep. I stood up and let my eyes open a bit, looking towards where the door was.

Except that it wasn't there any longer. Instead, I saw a small opening in a white wall. What in the world…? I walked towards it, kneeling and walking out of this strange white structure. Exiting the structure caused me to be assaulted by a freezing spray of snow. I turned around, wanting to know where I was all of a sudden. It was a large-sized igloo. Turning forward, I realized I was in that snow-filled world. Beyond where I stood was a great expanse of white, the wind whipping up white dust among the pearl trees in the distance. I shuddered at the cold and decided to go back inside the igloo. Once I had walked in, I saw a curious sight. A small girl was huddled up against the far wall of the snow-packed wall.

I tilted my head as I took a soft step towards her. "Hello?" I called out, getting no response from her. Her eyes were completely closed, her hair cut a bit on the short side, her bangs rising just over her eyebrows, falling just shortly above her shoulders. I walked closer. "Hey, could you wake up?" I called out, my steps drawing closer. The girl wasn't moving at all, just huddled up with her chin tucked between her knees. I stepped in front of her, crouching down and placing a hand on her knee, shaking her a bit. "Hey, kid. Can you hear me? Are you okay?" I asked, shaking her leg a bit. No reaction, not even a tremble of the eye or a shudder.

I remained crouched in front of her, my hands on my knees as I tried to figure out what I could do to wake the little girl up. I sighed. What did I like as a kid? I scratched my head, twirling one of my twin-tails with a single finger. I liked kittens, they were cute. "Hey! Little girl, there's a kitten here who looks like she wants to be pet!" I said enthusiastically. "Meow, meow." I added, to which resulted in a small shiver from the girl. I sighed, not knowing what to do. Leaning in closer to the girl, I could see that her skin was pale and her lips were tinged a light blue. The poor thing was cold, wasn't she? I reached into my pocket, retrieving my keychain. On it was a bloodied knife, a bicycle, a stoplight and a hat and scarf. I smiled to myself. Even if she wouldn't wake up, I might as well make her a bit comfier. I didn't know why she was here, but she looked cold and it bothered me.

I placed a finger on the hat and scarf effect, causing it to turn to light and reform atop my head and around my neck. Instead of wearing it though, I took off the scarf and began wrapping it around the little girl's neck, muffling her mouth and covering her ears with my hat. A plain kind of contentedness appeared on her face as color slowly returned to it. I sat across from her, keeping my skirt underneath me. The snow was _cold. _After a few moments, the girl began to stir. "Oh, hey. You awake now?" I asked and the girl finally opened her eyes. "Mado…tsuki?" She mumbled at first through the scarf, rubbing her eyes. I nodded. "You alright?" I asked, putting on a small smile for the girl.

Instead of answering me, she reached out with a single hand and grabbed hold of my chest. "Hmph. I thought that when I'd get older I'd get bigger boobs like the other girls." The little girl muttered as my face turned red and I smacked her hand away. There was a long silence between the two of us because of that. This version of 'me' seemed younger than the one that wore the scarf and hat and gave it to me. For a moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of meaning in this hat and scarf. I had been given it as a sign of reassurance and safety by a younger version of myself, and now I was returning it to myself who was even younger. So that she'd be warm and happy. Was the older version of her the same as the one here and was returning the favor to me then? I laughed softly to myself. Maybe.

"Well, I guess we should get going." The younger me said, standing up with a yawn. She was tiny compared to me. How old was she? "How ol-" I began, but I was interrupted by the little girl. "Nine." She said. That was before the accident… before everything went wrong. "I was a brat back then, huh?" I muttered and the smaller me shrugged. "Let's just get going, ok? I want to go back to sleep." She told me as she crawled out of the igloo. This was weird. Why were my past selves leading me from place to place? I followed her either way, not having any other path to take through my dreams.

She lead me through the snowstorm, which I shuddered against, the wind numbing my exposed knees. I reached down, pulling up my black stockings as high as I could. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to protect from the cold wind. My younger self looked over her shoulder at me. "Don't worry, we're almost there." The kid was lucky, she was wearing pants and what looked like a thicker shirt than I was wearing. My face retreated into my turtleneck, hoping to keep some of my breath close to my face to keep me warm. After a while of walking and passing dull-blue trees, the girl stopped me outside of an igloo that seemed to be out in the middle of a plain of snow.

"You know, you weren't very happy before the accident, either." The younger me said slowly. She looked backwards at me. "Do I seem happy to you?" She asked. I was stricken for a moment. How could I answer that? "I used to be happy… I had my mother and father and my sister…" I mumbled, causing my other self to turn fully towards me. "Speak up. You know that's a lie. You were disinterested, you were distant. You only loved your family once you lost them and didn't have them anymore." She spat angrily. "That's not true." I said in a quiet volume, but with a firm tone. "Even if I liked to be alone, I loved being around them. Just seeing them made me happy."

The little girl in front of me turned away from me. "Whatever you say. I'm just a representation of the past. Only you can decide how you felt back then." The younger me said with a sigh. "But you should be thankful, in a way. That accident taught you to cherish what you have, even if you haven't until now." She said. I felt a surging of anger in me. "_Thankful? _For that accident?" I questioned, my tone becoming angry. My younger self turned around, grinning at me. "Yes. You should be _thankful._ The broken bones of your loved ones are what paved the way to the you of now. The you who has _nothing, _the you who can only survive on the good graces of one person who you've _never even thanked. _You should thank them for dying to teach you what you now know._" _She snarled.

I reached into my pocket, grabbing hold of the knife effect. I immediately stepped towards her, the knife forming in my hand. "Take that back." I growled, pressing the newly summoned knife in my palm to her throat. Her smile didn't fade, only grew. "Go ahead, kill me. What good will it do? I'm only telling you what you're afraid to hear. But you _need to hear it."_ She whispered to me. "Anyways, if you kill me, you'll just lose yourself more. You'll just feed the madness inside of you. The darkness that threatens your own dreams with destruction. Do you want that?" She asked. I was silent. What did she mean? I looked from her face to my hand. It was becoming a translucent gray, like the dirty smoke that made up shadow Makoto. "What…?" I muttered to myself, looking to the gleam of my knife's reflection. In it, I could see shadow Makoto's face smiling up at me. I dropped the weapon, stumbling backwards and into the snow.

My younger self smiled at me from in front of the igloo. "Now you're starting to get it." My body was trembling. What… why? Why did I see shadow Makoto's grinning face in place of mine? What did that mean? Was _I _shadow Makoto? Or was I just feeding him through my negative emotions? I collapsed backwards into the snow. That might make sense. All my hatred for the world, within me and outside of me, had become focused into a single person, the only person who I saw on a daily basis. Makoto. Then… what was the good Makoto? Was he the creation of my desperate hopes? For happiness and salvation? I threw my hands over my face in confusion.

"Don't overthink it. Just go inside, enjoy the hot spring." My younger self said, looking up at the hat I had placed on her head. "If anything… I like that you've grown up a little. You're nicer than I remember myself being. Thanks for the hat and scarf, Madotsuki." She said with a faint smile. "Now do me a favor. Close your eyes." My smaller self said. I sat up, doing as she asked and closing my eyes. "Okay, open them now." Came a quiet whisper in my ear. When I opened them, my younger self was gone. Instead, a smiling snowman stood there, eyes of coal focused on me. I looked all around me, trying to find the source of the voice. It was gone.

I sighed, getting up and entering the igloo. I couldn't comprehend anything anymore. All I knew for a fact was that my dream's rendition of myself said there was a hot spring inside this igloo, as strange as that sounded. Entering the igloo, I was certainly surprised. It was warmer inside and there was actually a small hot spring bubbling up from within the snow. "Weird…" I mumbled to myself as I peered into it. What was even stranger was that there seemed to be small landmasses and even a building in the center of the water.

The longer I stared at it, the stranger I felt. I turned away from it, rubbing my eyes. What if this was one of shadow Makoto's tricks? _Don't worry. This is part of your journey._ I heard someone say from behind me. It was Makoto. Whirling around, I didn't see anything. But I smelled the pungent, sweet odor of Makoto's cigarettes. I guess I'd trust him. I turned back to the hot spring, keeping my eyes focused on it the entire time. Everything seemed to warp out of proportion and I felt the peculiar sensation of falling, even though I knew I was standing upright in front of that hot spring. Then, without warning, I tumbled headfirst into the spring, everything fading to white.

When my eyesight returned, I was surprised. I stood on frozen ground, but there was water all around me, giving off steam. The air was warm and humid, not a single snowflake falling around me. The ground seemed to be thawed out mostly, only leaving a thin path for me to follow. Off in the distance, I saw a white figure holding what looked like a balloon. Was it… pink? I stepped carefully, but moved quickly towards where I saw the white figure. It had to be smoke Makoto. He was leading me somewhere, just like my younger self said. Once I got within eyeshot of seeing him clearly, he dissipated into a cloud of smoke which quickly vanished.

All that was left was the pink balloon dangling in the air. I felt like a kid chasing an adult carrying my balloon. Why was he holding a balloon and waiting for me here? I reached out, touching the balloon. Everything around me shifted, but the balloon remained. But it did change colors. It was now blue and I was waist deep in the warm water. I frowned. The water was like bathwater, but it was going to be inconvenient once I ended up climbing out of the water. Speaking of climbing out, where was some dry land? Looking all around me, I saw nothing but water as far as the eye could see.

But off in the distance, that same white figure. This time, holding a green balloon and waving to me. What in the world…? I sloshed through the water, trying to catch up with the figure. "Makoto!" I called out, hoping he wouldn't vanish once I looked at him. But like last time, he burst into smoke once my eyes met his figure clearly. I felt a sense of sadness overcoming me. I didn't want him to vanish. I wanted company. I didn't want to be alone in this journey anymore. But I had a reward at the end of this road. So long as I could stomach whatever this dream churned up from my past, I'd be given a reprieve from the dreams. I'd be able to feel normal again.

I grasped hold of the green balloon and my surroundings shifted gently, like a new landscape was being transposed over the old. I looked around. I was out of the water and on a small island with a strangely shaped building in front of me. It was multicolored and triangular, like a tent made of something solid. I walked towards it, unsure of what would be inside. I reached for the door, opening it and walking inside.

"Jeez… you never knock, do you?" I heard a familiar voice say. From a desk a tall, slim blonde sat, smiling over her shoulder at me. "What?" I mumbled, confused. "You never knock. You just let yourself in, like it's your house." The girl said with a laugh. She seemed older than me. Who was she? "Oh, don't tell me you've forgotten about me, Mado?" She said, her smile folding into a frown. I scratched the back of my head. "Sorry…" I said softly. "Oh, speak up. I tell you that all the time. And it's okay if you've forgotten about me. It's been a long time. Does the name _Poniko_ ring a bell?" She asked me, twisting her long blonde ponytail around a finger. My face lit up. "Oh, Poniko! I'm sorry that I forgot." I said as a smile unfolded across my face.

I remembered her now. She was my best friend after I lost Monoe. She was so popular, she made all the bullies go away. She helped me find happiness again. As she walked towards me, she took my hand and lead me to her bed. "So, c'mon. Let's talk. It's been so long!" Poniko said, a huge smile on her face. I scratched my cheek, chuckling softly. "Well, not much has happened since I dropped out of school. I just dream a lot and play video games. I don't go out anymore, but sometimes I watch everyone walk by from my apartment's balcony." I told Poniko. "Oh, really? No cute boys in your life? No love interests?" Poniko said, her interested expression focused intently on me. "Well, I guess I sort of do…" I said, looking away.

Poniko took hold of my hands. "Oh, you _have _to tell me now. Who is it?" She asked. I shrugged. "Do you remember Makoto?" I asked and Poniko's smiling expression folded a bit. "Yeah. I didn't like him much, though." She admitted. I shrugged. "He's a really nice guy. He comes to my apartment all the time and makes me food and keeps me company, even if I don't talk to him. He stays all day." I told Poniko. "Well, I didn't expect that of him. When I used to know him, all he ever did was play this arrogant 'hero of justice' type role. Always getting in the way of me and my friends." Poniko said, rolling her eyes. I tried to not pay that part of Poniko much mind. She did control most of the school through fear and power.

"That's only because he's too nice." I told her and she nodded. "I guess so. He really should learn to stay out of other people's business, though." Poniko said as she stood up, brushing the ruffles out of her long skirt. "So, do you remember why you've forgotten about me?" She asked, a quaint smile on her face. She moved to the center of the room, her hands folded. I shook my head. "No, I can't… I've been trying my hardest to forget everything from my past for years now." I mumbled, my eyes lowering. "But you're here now and you want to know, don't you?" Poniko asked. I nodded. "I have to know now." Came my answer. Poniko's smile curled upwards. "Good. Well, you remember that we were friends, right?" She asked me. I nodded slowly. "Well, do you remember why?" Poniko asked again. I shook my head. "You were just being nice?" I answered, unsure of my own response.

"_Wrong._" She said as she took a step closer to the door. "Ok, we'll play a game. If you can answer my questions and remember on your own, I'll step away from the lightswitch. But if you keep getting the wrong answers, then I'll get closer to the lightswitch." Poniko said, her smile turning cruel. I felt a twinge of fear growing in my chest. "What happens when you get to the lightswitch?" I asked. "The lights go out. And you'll be in the _dark." _Poniko told me. Well, that wasn't bad, I supposed. I readied myself. "What's the next question?" I asked softly, still unused to having to talk so often.

"Alright. Why did you _want_ to be my friend?" Poniko asked me. "Well, I was alone. Monoe moved away and you started talking to me…" I began, but Poniko cut me off. "_Wrong." _She said, taking a step closer to the lightswitch. "I didn't talk to you. You started talking to me. You were desperate for companionship and thought that befriending the girl who controlled the school would protect you. You only wanted to _use _me." She said, her smile becoming even more cruel as her once happy eyes began to turn angry. My fear was growing exponentially now. She looked to only be two steps from the switch. I didn't want to be in the dark. The dark scared me and I had a bad feeling about the lights going go out here, without the good Makoto to protect me.

"Next question. Were we _really _friends?" She asked me. I stood up. "Of course we were! I felt like we were, I didn't have anyone else and you made me happy!" I exclaimed as my eyes began to water. Poniko's eyes became narrow and her smile grew even more vicious. "_Wrong._ You were a nuisance to me, I only put up with you because I feared Makoto's influence. You were a bargaining chip. As long as I had you, I had Makoto in the palm of my hand." She said, her once soft laugh becoming shrill and sharp against my ears. I shook my head, tears escaping my eyes. "No…"

"Next question!" She exclaimed as her laughter continued. "Why are you _really_ afraid of the dark?" She asked, her hand outstretched towards the switch that would turn off the light to the room. "B-because… I-I-I'm afraid of b-being a-a-alone…" I said, my stutter returning to me. Poniko's smile opened, showing white, jagged teeth. "_Wrong."_ She said and I held my hand out towards her. "No, please! D-don't! Please!" I cried as she took a step towards the switch. "No…" I whispered. My body was wracked with tremors as my voice was trapped within my ribcage. The only thing I could hear was the thumping of my heart. Poniko flicked off the light.

Darkness. I felt a scream churning out from within me as I saw that Poniko's face was being replaced with a strange, white, masklike grinning face. It was like shadow Makoto's, but it was different. _More _terrifying.

The scream finally burst from my lungs. As if to echo me, Poniko's strange new face opened and roared at me, deep and throaty as the darkness extended from her masklike face and consumed her body.

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAあああああああああああああああああああああああああ_

As the darkness consumed Poniko's shape, the _thing_ rushed at me, a terrifying ooze that slid across the rug of Poniko's room, chasing me. I had nowhere to go. _It_was right in front of the door. I found myself backed up against the window across Poniko's room. The window! I could climb out it and escape! Just as I had this idea, a pair of hands burst through the window, shattering the glass and my hopes for escape. They wrapped around my neck, holding me hostage as whatever Poniko had become moved towards me. _Welcome to ***. _I heard from behind me. Looking over my shoulder, it was shadow Makoto who held me. I struggled, but I couldn't break free before _it _swallowed me in it's inky body.

More arms shot through the umbra and grabbed hold of my arms and legs, pinning me to the ground. "Heeheehee… this was such a good idea, Poniko." I heard a female giggle shrilly through the darkness. "Of course it was. Look at how much money I made off of this? I've got like _five hundred dollars."_ Poniko said with a laugh. What was going on…? I struggled, but couldn't break free. Where was I? Why was it so dark?!

"Stop squirming, you pathetic waste." I heard Poniko snarl as a shoe slammed into my face, causing the taste of bitter blood to erupt into my mouth. I began crying. Why was this happening? "Someone, please… please let me go." I whimpered through the darkness. Poniko's laughter along with the shrill laughs of the girls holding me down struck fear into me. "Absolutely not. A lot of boys have paid good money to enjoy this opportunity. Isn't often you can have _sex _with a girl who has no friends or anyone to believe her." Poniko spat. Rape…? I struggled harder. I didn't want this! No, no no no!

Where was I? Was there anything nearby I could grab and use as a weapon? I looked around and realized I was in the back of a gym's storage room. Oh god, no one would hear me in here… this couldn't be happening. After a few moments, I heard a strange knocking from the door across the room. Poniko walked away, tucking a fat wad of cash into her skirt's pocket. The girls who held me down had pointy noses and poofy hair. They reminded me of the Toriningen. "Ah, took you idiots long enough. Have fun, okay?" Poniko said in a cheerful tone as she lead in a group of boys. There were at least eight of them all looking at me hungrily. "No… no!" I screamed, struggling against the girls who were so much stronger than me.

It happened almost instantly and felt like it lasted forever. Hands roaming all over my body, beating me into submission as they touched me in places I didn't want them to. Hands touched me between my legs, fingers inserting themselves into places I didn't want them to be. Hands squeezed my chest, disgusting lips kissing my bare flesh as my clothes were ripped from my body. Even my first kiss was stolen from me by these filthy boys. "Stop… please." I cried softly, without strength to push them off or resist their loathsome movements. It seemed the tension in the air had finally reached its breaking point. One of the boys in the group began undoing his pants, revealing the bulge he had been hiding.

I had never been so disgusted in my life. The boy licked his lips in front of me as he began to position himself to plunge his veinous *** into me. "I've been wanting to do this for so long, Madotsuki…" He whispered and all I could do was cry. Blood mingled with my tears and my spit, my body bruised and aching from the roughness of the boys. I guess this was it… the last part of me to be violated, the last part of my humanity and shame to be stripped away in the darkness of a gym storage room.

"Someone, please! Someone save me! Save me!" I kept shouting, hoping that someone would answer my prayers. "No one's here to save you, Madotsuki." The boy hissed as he pressed the head of his *** against me. I shuddered. I was revolted. Suddenly there was a huge rumble as light cut through the darkness of the gym storage room. "What the _*** _is going on in here?" I heard a familiar voice shouting. Heavy stomping and the footsteps of another entered the room. "***! It's Makoto… and he's got a teacher with him!" One of the boys shouted. I pulled my head up, looking towards the silhouettes that stood out against the light pouring into the room. He had come to save me…

Some of the boys tried to run, but Makoto reached out and grabbed a nearby bat from a bucket of gym supplies and swung heavily against one boy's chest, knocking him to the ground and whoever the teacher was also tackled a boy who tried to escape. Makoto pointed his weapon at the boys. "Stay _right_ *** there." Makoto snarled as all of the boys froze in terror. What happened next shook me to the core. Every single boy who was there received the beating of their life. Makoto whaled on each of them with a bat as whoever the teacher was closed the door behind him. Not even the girls were spared the bat. All of them lay crumpled around me, soaking in their own blood.

The only person who stood now was Poniko, who had pressed her back to a wall. "No, please!" She screamed and Makoto laughed aloud at her. "You ask for mercy? MERCY?!" He shouted, spit flying through the air. He was spattered with blood spray from having hit so many people with his bat. "Look!" He shouted, grabbing Poniko by her ponytail and dragging her towards me. "DO YOU SEE THIS?" He roared into her ear. "Yes… yes! I'm sorry, so sorry!" She whimpered as she tried to resist his anger. He slammed her face into the hardwood floor near me. "There are no apologies for this, _girl."_ Makoto snarled as he threw her to the ground, gripping his bat.

"Makoto. Don't kill her." The teacher said in a sad tone. "I know, Masada-sensei." Makoto responded as he raised the bat. I have never felt so frightened and so safe at the same time. "No!" Poniko screamed as the bat came crashing down on her. _Crunch. "_Please…" She whimpered as the bat came down a second time with a second crunch. Her cries for salvation became nothing but sobs and whimpers as Makoto struck her six times in total. He dropped the bat, walking towards me.

He crouched besides me, taking hold of my hand like he always had and placed a hand on my face. For a moment, his face mingled with that of smoke Makoto's from my dream. "I'm sorry." They both said to me. All I could do was cry. This was a reason I had tried so hard for so long to forget everything. Because it all hurt too much.

I closed my eyes and I felt the pain fade away from my body. I opened them again and I was back in bed. Makoto sat on the edge of my bed, looking down at me with the same sad eyes he had in my dream. I felt his hand on mine and on my face. My cheeks felt wet. Had I been crying in my sleep, too? As I stared up at Makoto, I heard words ring through my ears.

_You should be thankful. The broken bones of your loved ones are what paved the way to the you of now. The you who has nothing, the you who can only survive on the good graces of __**one person who you've never even thanked**__._

I lunged into his chest, crying as I said the words I should've long ago.

"Thank you, thank you… thank you so much, Makoto…" He didn't say anything, he just cradled me in his arms, that sad look still on his face.


	9. An End to Paradise

Ever since that night that Madotsuki had thanked me for everything I'd ever done for her, she'd changed. She began speaking more, started to smile. She'd laugh. She was awake more often and told me she stopped dreaming, so she didn't need the medicine anymore to fall asleep. Because she wasn't afraid to close her eyes anymore. Her dream diary stood unused for nearly a week now. I was proud of her, honestly. Mado was getting bored more often, looking forward to my arrivals.

Madotsuki also beat Dreams of the Colossus, trashing the main boss with her party of over-leveled characters headed off by the character named after me, who had powers equivalent to a demi-god. She started asking me for more games and even took up the offer I extended a while ago to bring a DVD player and movies for her to watch. Her uncle seemed to stingy and old to be willing to drill through the floors to wire a cable line to her room, so I felt that this was the best I could do for her.

So here I was again, standing at the door that always filled me with dread. And I was standing there with a smile on my face and a bag full of movies, snacks and video games to enjoy with Madotsuki. Just as I reached to the doorknob, Mado opened the door for me. "Late." She grumbled at me. The hand I had outstretched for the door ended up scratching my hairline. "Well, there was traffic…" I said, coming up with a bad excuse to cover the fact I had overslept. "Don't make excuses, hurry up." She said, grabbing me by the wrist and dragging me into the room.

This girl surprised me to no end. A week ago, she cried into my arms and explained what dream she had. It was a dream about the day that she was sold by Poniko to a bunch of desperate guys. It was a hard time for her. Back then, I found out it was happening last minute from a certain girl who let slip only a few words that made me suspicious. I ran to Masada-sensei's class, telling him I needed him to come with me to save Madotsuki from being molested or even worse, raped.

Masada was our school's music teacher and I used to be part of an A Capella group in highschool, so I used to sometimes go to him for tips on singing. He was a pretty talented man, although a bit awkward to be around. He was exceedingly introverted and softspoken, usually hiding behind his chin-length hair when confronted by a student. Regardless, he followed me to the gym room and watched over me while I beat everything to a pulp that day with a baseball bat. I was suspended for a year for that violence, but Poniko was expelled altogether, along with the girls who were co-conspirators. The boys were charged with indecent assault and battery as well as solicitation of sexual favors for money, most of whom were placed in juvenile prison for it.

Madotsuki was a strong girl, managing to bounce back after having a dream in which she had to relive that horrible memory.

"I'm having trouble with this battle, what am I 'sposed to do?" She asked, plopping herself down in front of the television. I peered at the screen. This was another good RPG that I used to play. It was called Herald, set in a more medieval setting than the unique dream world that was Dreams of the Colossus. The boss she was on was one of the main villain's henchmen, a tricky guy who used a special technique to make himself invulnerable unless you figured out his secret. "Ah, I remember this. Instead of attacking him directly… move the cursor over here." I said, taking the remote from her and aiming it at an obscure, slightly warped area in the background. "He's got a cloaked orb over here, it gives him immunity to magic and he takes something dumb like seventy-five percent less damage from physical attacks. Break it and he's pretty easy." I said as I attacked it once, handing the remote back to the teenage girl.

"That's not fair, they shouldn't make things complicated like that…" She said angrily as the relentless assault began and the boss began to crumble under her party's powerful attacks. "What'd you bring today, Makoto?" Madotsuki asked as she glanced over her shoulder at me. "Well, I grabbed a handful of snacks in case you get hungry and I'm not around. They're mostly fruit though, I refuse to give you that trash I did the other day." I said, knowing the next thing out of Madotsuki's mouth would be a groan. "But they're tasty!" She exclaimed, exasperated. I laughed. "Too bad, deal with it. Fruit is good for you. And apples are tasty. There's some oranges, bananas and a few mangos." I said as I grabbed a green apple from the bag.

"Mmm, sour." I said as I sat down next to her, taking a bite out of the apple. "Yuck." Madotsuki said, sticking her tongue out at the television, disgusted. She hated sour and preferred sweet things, the opposite of me. Sweets were nice, but I always liked sour things. The day went by slowly, I was kind of tired too. I just got out of work and it was a long day, the morning shift. "You tired?" Madotsuki asked. I yawned a bit, looking at my watch. It was a little after three. I went in for work around six, to open and cook breakfast through lunch, which was painful seeing as the night before Madotsuki had me here almost overnight. To boot, there were no other chefs on duty except for me until I got off.

"Yeah, I kinda am." I said as I stretched a bit. "If you want, you can nap in my bed." Madotsuki said without a scrap of hesitation. I chuckled. "I dunno, kiddo. That's kinda weird, sleeping in other people's beds." I said to her. She shrugged. "It doesn't bother me. You're my best friend, so it's alright. Right?" She asked. After a pause, I sighed, giving in. "I guess you're right." I didn't want her regressing back into her shell if I declined her offer. It was odd, but I didn't want her to think that I didn't consider her someone close to me. I stood up and walked over to her bed, taking off my shoes.

Still… it was odd. This was the place that Madotsuki always slept, having those strange dreams. Where she felt alone and scared. I pulled the sheets back, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling as I placed my head on her pillow. I didn't fall asleep right away, I was kind of uncomfortable. Instead, my mind drifted off to thoughts of the past. What happened after Madotsuki was molested. She went through therapy for it, which did nothing for her except have piles of medication prescribed to her. She didn't speak anymore, she didn't want to talk to anyone or trust anymore people. Back then, she thought that if she was to try and trust again, more hardships would befall her. Madotsuki would only talk to me in her little stuttering voice.

It was then that I decided I'd bring her to Seccom after school. I told her that I was going to show her something fun. We went to Masada's music room while it was empty and I introduced Madotsuki to the person who managed to save me from getting expelled for my violence. He lied to the authorities and the administration, saying that Poniko attacked me with the bat first and I panicked and retaliated with fear for my life. Despite Poniko saying otherwise, no one believed her after the fact that she had sold Madotsuki, a person who considered her to be a friend, into sexual acts.

I closed my eyes, thinking back to then. Like always, I tried to protect her. And this time, I was going to have Seccom teach her how to sing to help her not only have something to help rebuild her confidence, but help rebuild her trust of people. Seccom didn't seem it, but he also had a good singing voice and had taken more than his fair share of music theory courses back when he was a student in college. At first to ease her into it, I did a bit of impromptu A Capella with Seccom, Seccom taking lead vocals while I mixed bass and percussion while he sung some old songs. After we sung a song to her, I told her that Masada-sensei was willing to help teach her how to sing as well and would be willing to be her friend. A friend who wouldn't betray her like Poniko had. I assured her back then, because she was still paranoid of everyone. Being the only person who had never hurt her, she was willing to try only because I suggested it.

Seccom began with sitting behind his piano, showing her how to find her vocal range and then pressing a key to play a note for her to mimic. At first she was too shy and lacked confidence, but after a week, she started coming out of her shell and began singing. She wasn't very good at first, but her voice grew with her confidence and eventually she really became a great singer. I was surprised myself, I wasn't expecting that much progress to be made by her back then. I remembered walking in one day after I stopped sitting in on the sessions and heard her singing Beyond the Sea, but in her own vocal range. I was stunned, it was actually breath-taking to hear.

It was then that she said her first sentence to me in a clear voice, without a stutter.

"_Hey Makoto… did you like my song? You told me it was one of your favorites, so I wanted to learn it and Masada-sensei taught it to me." _She told me, with a big grin on her face. I think my jaw dropped off my face, I had never heard her speak so clearly. She then explained that after Seccom taught her how to sing, she realized singing wasn't much different than talking, and applied what she learned in singing to her speech and managed to beat her stutter. She didn't say thank you to me, but I knew she wanted to. I was the one who told her she should learn singing from Seccom and I told her it was something that she didn't have to worry about her stutter messing up.

I told Madotsuki that I was proud of her and took her out for ice cream. It was a good day, I was really happy for her. It was just that as usual, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I decided I wasn't going to think about it, though. I was going to at least take a nap, it would do me some good. Maybe I'd have a strange dream like Madotsuki. I chuckled softly to myself. Maybe then I'd be able to relate to her a little better.

My sleep was empty as ever, no dreams whisking me away into some surreal world contrived by my subconscious mind. Instead, I simply heard a chiming tune through the darkness of my sleep. It played once through and then was silent. It was strange and it sounded familiar, but I opted to ignore it so I could continue sleeping. But the second time I heard it caused me to open my eyes. It sounded like my phone's tone alert for text messages.

Madotsuki was sitting in front of the television, her face illuminated by the light of my phone. "Hey, what're you doing with my phone?" I asked as I sat up, yawning a bit and looking to my watch. I had been asleep for at least four hours. "Reading your messages." She said. I frowned, reaching over and taking my phone from her. It's not like I was hiding anything, but I didn't appreciate people going through my phone's messages because I had gotten a text. I opened the most recent text message. It was from a girl I had been seeing a lot lately, a girl I actually planned to go to today's festival with. The message read _Call me when you get this message, ok? _and had nothing else. The other message was from Seccom. My heart stopped for a moment. Had she read a message from Masada?

I opened it and read it. _How have you been, Madostuki? _I placed a hand to my forehead. Did she text him? I scrolled through my messages and saw that he had texted me asking whether Madotsuki was alright. Apparently she read that message and responded. I quickly navigated to my outbox, to which I saw a message that Madotsuki must've sent. _Makoto is sleeping right now, this is Madotsuki. _I was starting to get worried now. I didn't want the two getting back into contact with one another. That could only cause bad things to happen.

"Why didn't you tell me you were talking to Masada-sensei?" Madotsuki eventually asked in a cold tone. I swallowed hard, closing my phone. Well, I guess this was inevitable. "Your uncle has a restraining order on him which includes communications like talking or texting on the phone." I said bluntly. "So you're taking my_uncle's _side?" She said as her tone became more vicious. "No. Don't misunderstand things. If you two start talking again, what do you think will happen if your uncle finds out?" I asked, this time my voice becoming angry.

"You're not a stupid kid, you know what consequences that making that mistake will bring." I said. She lowered her eyes. "Yeah, I do…" She said, pausing. "You're right." She finally admitted after a long silence. "You're just trying to protect me." She said, her voice returning to normal. I nodded. "Yeah. So don't go thinking I'm on your uncle's side. The only person's side I'm on is yours." I told her, patting her on the head as I stood up. "Well, thanks for letting me take a nap in your bed. I gotta make a phone call, though. 'Scuse me." I said as I moved towards the balcony, closing the glass door behind me as I opened my phone again. I dialed Masada's number and pressed call.

After ringing a few times, Masada picked up and answered in a surprised voice. "Madotsuki…?" He asked and I felt myself scowling. "No, you ***. What'd I tell you, time and time again? Do not _***_ talk to her. Do you want her uncle to beat the *** out of her and sue you some more?" I asked, to which Masada grew silent to. "I'm sorry, Makoto… I just care, is all…" He said softly. "Well, if you _cared, _then you'd stop trying to put her in danger. She isn't your student anymore. She doesn't need to be saved by you. _Leave her alone."_ I said in a cruel tone. There was a long silence. "Do you understand?" I asked. "Yes… I'm sorry." He said, his voice filled with reproach. I didn't bother saying goodbye or being polite and hung up. That was all I needed out of that man. For him to realize he needed to stop.

I sighed, leaning on the railing and reaching to my pocket for my pack of cigarettes. As I reached it, my hand stopped and I decided against it. Madotsuki had made me promise to stop smoking since she stopped having bad dreams and wasn't taking her medicine anymore now that she felt she didn't need to. Instead, I grabbed the pack and hurled them as far out into the darkening horizon as I could. Heaving a sigh, I decided to call that girl. Her name was Izumi, a person I had met at work. We'd been dating on and off, I was hoping that today would be the day that I could solidify our relationship at the festival that was going on tonight.

I called her and placed the phone to my ear. It rang a few times and eventually Izumi picked up. "Oh, hey Makoto…" She said, her voice sounding uncertain. "Hey. You wanted me to call?" I asked, leaning forward against the railing. "Yeah, I did. You know how we sort of have this _thing _going between us…?" She asked. I started to feel a cold chill build in my stomach. I didn't like where this was going. "Yeah." I said, waiting for the words I didn't want to hear but knew was coming. "I don't really think there's going to be anything more between us than what we have now. We're better as friends. I can't really see myself getting serious about you." She ended up saying after a deep breath. I placed a palm to my forehead. God *** it. "So, I guess that means tonight at the festival is off…?" I asked. "…Sorry, Makoto. It is. I'll see you around, ok? I hope this isn't hard for you." She said and I growled. "Nah, don't worry. It's not a big deal at all. Bye." I said, closing the phone.

"***!" I exclaimed, shouting to no one who could hear me. Well, Madotsuki could probably hear me, at least. I actually really liked that girl. Figures she'd dump me. Well, who cares, right? I pocketed my phone and chewed the inside of my lip. _***_ it. I really wish now that I hadn't thrown away my cigarettes. I could go for one right now. With a sigh, I turned towards the glass door and slid it open, closing it behind me as I entered the apartment. Madotsuki looked over her shoulder at me. "I heard you swear… everything ok?" She asked. I shrugged as another sigh forced its way out of my lungs instead of words.

"Yeah. A girl I really liked canceled my plans with her tonight and told me she didn't see me as anything more than a friend." I said, a tone of bitterness in my voice. "Oh… sorry." Madotsuki said tentatively, looking to me with half opened eyes. Those ochre eyes of hers had something a bit more than sadness in them, but I wasn't sure what. Scratching my head, I decided to ask something that I had been wanting to ask her for a while since she started to improve.

"How about me and you go to the festival instead?" I asked, swallowing hard as I wondered what kind of response I'd get from Mado. "Outside?" She asked, her eyes apprehensive. I nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's a fun festival, everyone dresses up in traditional clothes and there's a bunch of dancing and games. It's fun, I swear. I'll even buy you a kimono to wear, you'll get to dress up and feel fancy." I said, forcing a smile, hoping she'd agree.

Her eyes, the eyes that had been so bright and eager since the day she stopped dreaming, became dark and distant. "No." Madotsuki said flatly, turning away from me. "Why not?" I exclaimed, upset at her reluctance to change. "I'm never leaving this room." Mado told me, her voice completely empty as she stared at the paused video game on the television set. Maybe it was because I was already angry at Masada, paired with the fact that I had been dumped and I was going to be alone on a day I should be having fun, but I snapped. "You can't keep living like this, Madotsuki!" I shouted at her, causing her to jump visibly. "This isn't healthy! You have to grow up, you're not getting younger! What if _I _die? What if I end up not being able to come here every day? Who the *** will take care of you?! You need to be able to take care of yourself!" I kept shouting, causing Mado's face to fill with surprise and shock.

It then quickly turned to anger, which I didn't expect. "What, are you trying to train me to be self-sufficient or something? So you can abandon me like everyone else?" She shouted back, which threw me off guard. "No! _*** it, _can you be any more deluded? You need to live your life kid, not hide away in here to rot in silence! You're coming with me to this festival. You'll have fun once you get over yourself and your childish hiding games." I said in an angry tone, to which Madotsuki shoved me. "No, I won't! There's nothing fun out there! There's only liars and people who want to hurt me! Every last one of them. I thought you'd understand, Makoto. I thought _you_, of all people, the person who means the most and understands me the best, would get that!" She shouted. I had no words at this point, all I could do was shout angrily.

"Fine, then *** stay here! See if I try and *** help you anymore. I'm doing this for _you, _you selfish brat. When have I ever done anything for myself?! I've always been helping _you." _I said, poking her hard in the shoulder, my face twisted with anger. Madotsuki was silent, staring at me with hard eyes. After a short staring contest, I turned away from her and stormed towards the bedroom door. "I don't give a *** anymore. I'm leaving and going to the festival by myself and I'll have a _great *** time._ Go *** yourself." I said as I grabbed hold of the door, tearing it open angrily and slamming it as hard as I could.

I bit my lip angrily, trying not to cry. It hurt to hear him swear and talk to me like that. I knew he was right, but I couldn't admit it. I just couldn't. I was too terrified of the outside world to go with him, as much as I wanted to. As much as my heart burned to go to a festival in place of his girlfriend, I was too afraid of pain and sorrow to allow myself to be happy again. It was just better this way, to spurn happiness to avoid the pain I always suffered. I decided when I dropped out of school that I'd never take risks again. I'd gladly give up being happy if I could give up being sad and being hurt. I would take the safe path through life. But now… Makoto was destroying all of those rules I had built up around myself. To never have friends again, to never want things, to never feel.

Now I felt affection, I felt hope. I felt happy, I was trying new things, I was enjoying myself and looking forward to tomorrow. But now that happiness had just walked out of my room, out of my life, because I was too stubborn. I stomped my feet, screaming as hard as I could. "*** it, Makoto! *** it, *** it, *** it! See what you're making me do?!" I shouted at no one as I stomped towards the door. I didn't care anymore. I was going to chase him. I was going to apologize. I was going to let him lead me out of my dark world by the hand and let him show me what life could be like again.

I'd take that risk.

I threw open my door, not even bothering to put shoes on or even closing the door behind me. Instead, I simply ran down the stairs, hoping that I could catch up with Makoto. Despite all the warning bells going off in my head, I was doing the one thing I never thought I would. Leave my room. I was walking in the outside world, the world I had convinced myself wasn't real anymore. God, I was so afraid. But I felt _alive_.

There he was. He was just nearing the end of the hallway, where the stairwell from the eighth floor lead down to the seventh. I reached out and was about to call him, but someone walked into Makoto while he walked with his eyes downcast and face filled with bitterness. It was some brunette woman, her hair pulled into a low ponytail which rested over her shoulder. "Oh, I'm sorry Makoto!" She said as she dropped an armful of books she was carrying.

Instead of standing in the hallway, I ducked behind a small corner in the hallway. Who was this woman? How did she know Makoto? I felt jealousy building in me as I glared at her from my hiding place while eavesdropping on their conversation. "No, no… my mistake, Aimi. I wasn't paying attention at all." He mumbled. I felt bad… he was upset because I was being immature. I just hope he'd understand when I catch up and explain myself to him. But what bothered me most was how they knew each other.

"So, what're you doing here at this time?" Aimi asked Makoto. "I was just leaving Madotsuki's room. You know, the girl I take care of?" He said. She nodded. "Yep, I remember." The woman said as she and Makoto picked up the dropped books. "Medical books? Are you a student?" Makoto asked. Aimi laughed bashfully. "Yeah, I'm a pre-med student. I go to a college nearby. That's why I moved here, actually. Closer than my old house and cheaper than dorming." Aimi laughed.

"Ah. You studying tonight?" Makoto asked as some strange kind of focus entered his eyes. "Well, I was-" She began and Makoto cut her off. "How about you come with me to the festival tonight instead?" Makoto asked her bluntly, causing her expression to go blank as she tried to think of an answer to his abrupt offer. My heart froze. What? No, I was supposed to go with him. That woman will say no, obviously. They've probably only met each other in passing a couple times, so she'll obviously dec-

"Sure, why not? I mean, it's better than staying cooped up all day reading these boring books." She said, laughing sheepishly once she finally gathered up all of her books. "Alright then, lets go to my car." Makoto said, putting on a smile. The woman turned around and Makoto followed her down the stairs, chatting and laughing with one another as they walked down the stairway. I felt lifelessness take over my body as I stared out from around the corner at where the two of them were. I wasn't sure what to do; whether to chase after him or just let him enjoy his happiness. An intense pain plagued my heart… why did this always happen to me? My eyes began to water as I turned away from the two and ran back to my apartment.

I was stupid for wanting to take a risk. This was what happened whenever I did. I always got hurt.

Once I reached my apartment and slammed my door shut, everything from within me exploded through my eyes. I sobbed as loud as I could, dropping to my knees and placing my head to the floor as I pulled at the roots of my hair. Why? Why? Why did it always turn out like this? It hurt so much, I was so tired of feeling this pain again and again. Couldn't anything ever work out for me?

Once my tears finally subsided, I heard a voice.

_Vacation's over._

My body locked up. That echo-like voice… it belonged to a person in my dreams. I looked up quickly, expecting to see shadow Makoto waiting in my apartment somewhere. He wasn't anywhere to be found, only a voice in my head. I guess he was right though; it was time to stop pretending that life was ever going to get better. That I wasn't alone, that anything I did would really amount to anything. I walked lifelessly towards my desk, removing the caps from each of my bottles of medicine and dumping the contents onto the table. I began sorting them out by color and design, picking a few out here and there.

I didn't care how much I took. I just wanted to sleep. And if I took too much, I'd never wake up.

I tossed my head back as I threw the pills into the back of my mouth.

Never waking up wouldn't really be a bad thing, would it?


	10. Sideways Glances

A few minutes after swallowing the pills, I took a single step towards my bed. With that step, my entire body felt like it was made out of a rigid, heavy metal. One step had such a resoundingly loud noise and the walls seemed so far now. I tried to move my arms, but it seemed like nothing was working. My motor skills were completely shot. I couldn't even laugh at my own stupidity, nothing seemed to move anymore. Maybe that _was _too much medicine? For a moment, I felt a twinge of fear that I might die if I overdosed. Why though? It's not like I hadn't pushed away the only person who was a part of my 'life'.

I managed to muster up enough strength to take another step forward. If I could, I'd prefer to die in my bed. Comfortably, at least. Everything else in my life was nothing but misery and sorrow, could I at least die warm and snug? Another step and the walls seemed to stretch out further, my bed inching even more out of my reach. I really wanted to lay down, my whole body wasn't listening to me anymore. Please? Could I just get to my bed? _Please?_

Another step, my foot slamming into the floor with an even louder thud than before. This time, I was even having trouble breathing. I managed to lift my hand, reaching out towards my bed. _Please? _I just wanted my eternity of sleep to be relieving. I'd just have to take one more step. I had to be close now. It looked so far, but my bed wasn't much more than a few steps from my desk. All I'd have to do was make this last step and I could collapse onto my bed.

Lifting my foot, it felt like all of my will and energy was being funneled into this one simple action. To have one moment of triumph and victory, to at least earn my last rest in the bed that had sheltered me for so long. I urged myself forward and as my foot collided with the floor, I felt my body go limp. Was this it? My leg that had moved forward gave out underneath me and I felt myself crumpling under the oppressive weight of my medication.

I reached out for something, anything. My hand slammed against the desk, struggling to grab the edge to somehow hold myself up. It didn't help though. All it did was spin me so I was face up as I slammed against the floor and not my bed. Just like my life. A huge disappointment. Always.

Just as my vision began to fade, a strange shadow stood over me. After a few moments, it began to kneel over me. I struggled to focus on what it was, trying to see who was witnessing my last pathetic moments. As my vision finally focused, I saw that it was shadow Makoto, the mask over his face bearing a frown and those sad downcast eyes. As I felt my body drifting away from my mind, I saw his smile turn upwards into a frown as he exploded into black smoke that filled my eyes. It was then that I felt a sensation that was similar to that of sleep.

Would this be my last dream?

After some time, the sensation of sleep faded away and I found myself staring into an empty expanse of nothing. Pure blackness, a gentle moisture to the air around me. I felt wet. For a moment, I sat up in a panic. Had I wet myself in my sleep?! Looking to the floor, it didn't seem to be the case. I had woken up not on my balcony or in my apartment. I wasn't even in my Nexus. It appeared that I was directly in the middle of one of my dream worlds. It was one of my favorites when I wanted to be alone. It was quiet and beautiful; a world of puddles and a faint mist brushing by my cheeks.

Although I was soaked and a cold chill ran through me, I decided to explore this peaceful place. If this was where I'd spend the rest of my life while my living body died, I was perfectly fine with that. I walked slowly through puddles that reflected a beautiful night sky filled with soft clouds and illuminated by a lofty moon. Looking towards the sky, I couldn't see the moon reflected in the puddles of water. Where were they? I'd love to be able to stare at them directly instead of in the warped reflection the pool of water provided.

Regardless, I decided to enjoy a simple stroll through the dark, empty world. There were no strange aztec statues or figures scattered around this dream world. It was just empty. It was reassuring in a way. It also felt reminiscent. Not like I had walked through here before, but like I _knew_ this place. Like it was important. A distant roll of thunder reached my ears. Was it going to rain sometime soon? I stared at the blank sky, wondering where the clouds where that would suddenly open up a downpour upon me. I didn't even have an umbrella… Well, did it make any difference? I was already soaked in water already, having awoken in a puddle.

As I walked, the thunder began to grow nearer and nearer. Glancing at the sky through the puddles, the cloud cover seemed to be growing. I felt a bit uneasy; being soaked and continually soaked were two different things. Being permanently wet would be uncomfortable. Maybe if I kept looking, I could find some refuge? The thunder became louder. It was going to start raining soon, the rumbling told me. I started to sprint, hoping to find somewhere before the rain began from the invisible sky. After walking for a while, I saw something strange in the distance.

An umbrella was laying on its side on the dark floor, between a pair of puddles. I walked towards it slowly, no need to rush now that I had something to shield myself from the rain. As I reached to it, a strange sensation flowed from my fingertips to my arm. It was odd; even though this umbrella was going to keep me from getting soaked, it gave me a strange sense of dread. Opening it, I held it over my head, the thin iron rod placed against my shoulder. A thunderclap erupted so loudly, I swore it was right next to me. I jumped and looked to the sky. Where was the clouds? Where was the rain? I was ready now.

Then I felt something peculiar. Raindrops were falling on me. But not from above. A light drizzle was striking the insides of my legs, under my skirt. What in the world…? I looked down and saw something that shocked me. Clouds illuminated by the bright yellow light of the moon were all beneath me, rainfall falling from below. A sudden shock overcame me as I realized that the black sky I had been staring at had been the floor and the puddles had been spaces in the ceiling that allowed me to see the sky. Now somehow that ceiling had vanished.

And gravity was taking back over.

I let loose a scream as I hurtled towards the real ground, rain surrounding me as I fell. My eyes were transfixed on the floor rapidly approaching me. How would I break the fall? If I hit the ground like this, I'd snap my neck. Maybe if I rolled, I'd survive? Or should I try and sacrifice a limb to save my life? A broken arm wouldn't be _too _bad…

It was then that smoke Makoto suddenly formed from a wisp of smoke that had snuck its way into the dream, his arms outstretched. Without a word, he caught me, his knees buckling for a moment as he distributed the momentum of my falling through his body to spare me from harm. His gently upturned eyes and soft smile were reassuring as he let me down carefully onto the floor. He even took care to not crush my umbrella, catching me as I fell in a very specific way. "Why'd you help me…?" I asked him, to which he stepped backwards from me, lighting a cigarette with a shrug.

He inhaled and exhaled a smoke the same color as the kind his body was made of. It was strange, because his body was becoming the smoke he exhaled. He floated away as the cigarette fell into the water accumulating on the floor. I looked sadly to the cigarette as it fizzled in the water. I sighed, disheartened. If he hadn't vanished, I could've really enjoyed this world… walking arm in arm under an umbrella with Makoto would be nice. I turned away from the cigarette, not wanting to stare at it for too long or I'd get depressed.

As I turned, I was presented with an eerie sight. My dream worlds were always black expanses with undefined borders. But in front of me… was a giant, crooked school. Around it was a strange, shivering whiteness, as if something had ripped apart this dream and had dragged this school from another dream into this one. The rain was getting heavier and the umbrella I was holding seemed to be giving way under the progressively heavier drops of water coming down from the sky. I decided even though that it was probably a bad idea to enter the crooked looking school, it'd be safer than staying out here and being soaked to the bone.

I ran through the rain and used my umbrella as a shield until I reached the doorway of the school. I let out a sigh of relief as I found that the door was unlocked. Pushing it open and rushing in, I let loose a sigh of relief. The rain was still pretty heavy, but at least it seemed like the roof was holding up better than my umbrella had been. Looking around, I was standing in a purple, monotone hallway that lead through a series of lockers where people would store their belongings before leaving and exiting the school.

As I walked through, I noticed that all of the lockers were locked, except for one. On its surface, jagged characters had been carved into it with a knife or something sharp.

窓付き

That was… my name. Madotsuki. I felt a tinge of nervousness and looked around me, expecting someone wielding a knife to be hiding somewhere around a dark corner. Then again… I reached into my pocket and felt my keychain of effects. I still had my knife effect and I'm sure I could defend myself successfully this time.

I opened my locker door slowly, peering inside. There was nothing, but it was oddly deep. Deep enough to store my umbrella. I slid it into the confines of the steel box, closing the locker. I took one more look at my name carved into the face of the locker and then turned away from it. There were no doors other than one in this long hallway, but there was a single elevator that didn't seem to respond to calls when I pressed the button.

I sighed and decided there was only one place to go. Through the door at the end of the hall. It stood alone, looking ominously as I strode softly towards it. I wasn't sure of what I should expect. This was the first time I'd dreamt in what felt like a long time. I opened the door and closed it behind me. I peered around me at this new world I was in. Was this the innards of the school? Winding hallways lined with strange faces with zipper-like bodies, hands stretching towards the floor. Beneath me, the transparent floor showed me even more twisting hallways beneath me. I swallowed hard, wondering what I was getting myself into.

As I walked, I saw strange numbers painted onto the floor. None of them seemed to have any meaning, just random integers scattered across the floor. This place reminded me… of my old school. Since it was a middle school fused with a high school, I got lost a lot because of how many places and add-ons there were to accommodate our city's growing population and need for proper education facilities.

The numbers were scattered all over the floor. As I walked aimlessly through this strange school, the faces on the walls staring at me, I remembered what I hated most about school. It wasn't just the people I mostly hated, but it was the academics. Math was such a pain and I wasn't great at it either. All that math ever taught me was that school quickly divided people into _numbers. _Those who were _number one_ and those who were _zeroes._ Nothings. Nobodies. And that was me. It wasn't long before I learned through school that I wasn't going to amount to anything. People told me I was bright and quick to learn new things, but I just didn't have the motivation.

Who would? All that would ever happen would be more disappointment and let-downs. There was no need for things like learning and applying myself in school. It wouldn't ever amount to anything.

As I wandered through the hallways, the eyes of the strange zipper people and faces on the walls following me as I walked. I wasn't sure where I was going. Just like always. After some time, I found that I had reached the end of a hallway. At the end of the hallway was a door that seemed to be… flashing. It was hard to explain. It wasn't like there were lights on the door. As I ran my hand over the door, it wasn't glowing either, or my hand would've changed colors by extension of the light given off. It was like the color of the door itself was changing quickly on its own.

I grasped hold of the doorknob and turned it, walking into the room. It lead me to an odd place. The hallways had widened out into a larger room, a gap in the walls leading to another room. But what struck me as the most strange was that there was over a dozen beds line up in this room. Not all of them seemed to be occupied, but I wondered what beds were doing in a school, even if it was an unusual school like this.

Why were they sleeping here? I walked out of this room and into the next room, where there seemed to be a clearing in the arrangement of beds. There was a tall Toriningen standing there, making strange noises at what seemed like smaller Toriningen that sat in front of her. They were more similar to screeches and the calls of ravens than a human's speech, but it seemed like the groups were both communicating with one another. As I peered in around the corner, the tallest Toriningen seemed to sense my presence. Screeching at me, it seemed like she beckoned for me to come over. I froze in fear, and the tall Toriningen seemed to grow impatient with me after a while.

Placing her hands on her hips with a displeased frown, she pointed again to the group of child-like Toriningen sitting in front of her, repeating that same screech. Was this… some kind of class? Did she want to teach me? The only Toriningen I had experienced had wanted to kill me, so this was frightening and I wasn't sure what to do. But they didn't seem to be lunatics like the other Toriningen I had experienced. Their eyes weren't a bright pink and blood wasn't drooling from their beak.

I decided to follow what I interpreted her directions to be and sat with the group of Toriningenko. I sat in front of the older Toriningen and tried to understand what she was teaching the Toriningenko. I wasn't sure at all what was going on and I was even sometimes called on to answer question, but I could only frown, shaking my head when they expected me to know the answer. "I… I don't understand you." I told them with a frown. They continued the lessons, moving me to the back of the group, the more active students of the Toriningenko up front. I began to feel drowsy as what felt like an hour passed, and I realized that there were tons of beds around me. Finding one that wasn't occupied, I decided to peel back the sheet a bit.

Could I sleep here safely? Would these Toriningen attack me while I rested? I don't really think it mattered, to be honest. I just wondered who all the other people were who wound up in these beds. Were they all me? Had I come here multiple times before, and followed the same choice in falling asleep in an empty bed? Who knew.

All I knew was that I was tired of classes. I pulled the sheet over my head and was swath again in darkness.

Almost immediately, I regained conscious.

And I was running.

Why was I running?

Why was I running down this flight of stairs?

Why was I so panicked? Oh god, what was happening?

Looking over my shoulder, hands shot out from the darkness around the staircase that was absent of railings. The knot of fear building up in my chest grew as the hands reached out for me. I had to run, but I had to be careful and not miss any steps or I'd plunge into the darkness. I felt tears forcing their way out of my eyes. Why was this happening again? Hands, touching me everywhere like they had that day in that gym storage room. I didn't want to be molested again. I just kept running, the hands just shortly behind me, reaching out and missing their intended target.

A light was all the way at the base of the staircase. Would this be my salvation? I kept running, nothing making anymore sense. I didn't remember whether I had woken up or how I had gotten here. All I knew was that I was in a terrified frenzy and that I had been running before I had even gained consciousness. Thankfully, I managed to reach the light and realized that the light was from bright fluorescent tube lights lining the ceiling.

There wasn't time to survey my surroundings though. I had managed to outrun those hands by a good distance and now I had to find a way to keep them from following me now. Looking to the doorway I had run through, there was a heavy looking wooden door left ajar. Slamming it shut, I heard the pelting of what sounded like hundreds of hands colliding listlessly against the wall as it realized that there was a barrier in their way now. I panted heavily, my back pressed to the wall, hoping to keep any of the hands from pushing or opening the door via the doorknob. But they never did. The mindless hands weren't intelligent enough to chase me farther it seemed.

Where was I now, though? It appeared that I was back in the main hallway of the school… but things were different now. The hallway was devoid of those lockers and there was only a single locker at the end of the hall. The elevator was the same, but I didn't feel the need to attempt to use it. I was more interested in the locker at the end of the hallway. As I approached it, I realized that the wall was beginning to crack. Stopping my movement, the cracks halted as well. Arching an eyebrow, I took a step back and the cracks receded.

How strange.

I grew closer and closer, the cracks growing and thickening, a strange orange glow emanating from behind them. From where I stood, I could feel a heat growing from behind the wall, stretching out and trying to reach me. It was unusual… the locker at the end of the wall was the locker I had placed my umbrella in when I first entered the school. But the hallway was a lot more devoid of detail. It felt like I was in a hallway that lead to a maintenance closet. Why was my locker here?

I swallowed my fear and took a large step forward, swinging open my locker.

The minute I did, the walls exploded with flames. Screaming in fear, I took a step back. The flames didn't recede, though. I felt a sense of futility in face of the flames surrounding my locker that had one of my things in it. I wasn't sure why, but I felt the need to try and retrieve my umbrella from the flames. I felt like I_needed_ it. Dashing forward and grabbing hold of the handle, I tore it from within the insides of the red-hot metal box and leaped backwards, stumbling and falling as the flames rushed out and licked the ceiling. It had completely consumed the locker now.

Looking at the wooden handle of my umbrella, I remembered why I wanted to save it so badly. Carved into the handle was a smiley face and an 'M'. It was a gift from Makoto. My uncle always gave me crappy, broken umbrellas and one day Makoto gave me a new one of my own during the rainy season. It was a pretty purple and had served me well over the course of a lot of rainy days. Looking at it and then to the flames, my mind began to think. Last time I opened the umbrella, it opened the skies and the dark ceiling, allowing rain to fall through.

Would that work here? Could I make rain fall here and put out the fire?

It was worth a try. For some reason, I felt that there was something beyond the fire that I needed to reach. It was like my dreams were reaching out to me, trying to explain something to me. I decided to open my umbrella and although I doubted whether it'd happen; the ceiling seemed to dissolve in the shape of puddles. Over my head was the night sky, clouds obscuring the moon and pouring down torrents of cold liquid from the sky.

Surprisingly, the raindrops didn't even seem to faze my umbrella this time. The fire, though… it was hissing and retreating from the rainfall that seemed to be one of my only allies in my dreams that had turned against me long ago. Eventually, it seemed that the rainfall had beaten back the flames that threatened my travels. I closed my umbrella and it turned to a soft blue light, flowing into my pocket where I assumed it joined my keychain of effects. Looking to the sky, the ceiling reappeared, stopping the rain.

What an unusual power that effect had.

I walked through the hole in the wall and found myself in what looked like a storage room. It reminded me of the gym storage room that Makoto saved me in. I saw blood spattered across the floor, probably from Makoto's rampage. I didn't like this place, so I immediately head for the nearest doorway, on the same wall as the door I entered, but on the other side of a tall storage rack.

After walking through the other door, I immediately was greeted by a strange, refreshing environment. The dream world before had been nothing but gritty hallways and eerie faces staring at me, but this room… it was a simple white washed room, the walls, the floor; everything. It was hard to see where the walls and floor met and ended, but simple shadows allowed me to figure it out. Walking through the doorway, I found myself in a large, empty room, a table in the center and a tall man standing at an enormous piano.

This place. I knew this place.

This was Masada-sensei's music room. I walked quickly in, striding towards the tall, lanky man with black hair. "Masada!" I exclaimed happily as I threw my arms around his torso. He was warm. Just like I remembered from the real world. I really missed my music teacher. He helped build my confidence up when I had no more left; teaching me how to sing and how to beat my stutter. He was always there when Makoto couldn't be. I didn't blame Makoto when he wasn't there, he had_always _been there for me. He deserved a little reprieve from having to handle my issues and problems all the time. Masada was there for me to talk to whenever I felt that I shouldn't burden Makoto more than I always did.

I wondered sometimes if he hurt as much as I did inside. He experienced the incident with my parents and sister, he sat beside me and watched my sister Monoko draw her last breaths. He had fought for me so I could just say goodbye to Monoe, resulting in him getting beat up by an older male. Makoto let go of his humanity, beating people to inches of their life with a baseball bat in a rage to protect me from being raped or further desecrated by those boys. He got suspended for a long time and got into a lot of trouble with his parents, who had to deal with legal issues raised by his violent beating of the people who harmed me.

I let go of Masada-sensei and looked to my body. I had always felt uncomfortable in my own body since that day. I always felt disgusted with my own flesh, it always crawled and felt dirty. There was no amount of washing that could rid my body of those sensations I was forced to feel that day.

I looked up to Seccom, his two eyes angled in different directions. I giggled for a moment, realizing why he looked like this. I did a silly drawing of him once during my lessons. I drew the silly crooked eyes because I always made jokes about him being so dumb when it came to normal things, but being a genius when it came to music. "Masada, why don't you play me something on your piano?" I asked, looking out the large window above his instrument.

Outside of the window was an infinite expanse of space, stars dotting the unseen horizon as starts shot by and suns illuminated the endless darkness. It was breathtaking to see. I grinned to myself. It was strange how clear the parts of my dreams were when they were of the good variety. I knew exactly why my subconscious mind was envisioning space; whenever I was here, I felt like nothing was wrong. Like I wasn't Madotsuki anymore and I was in a place far away from earth. Like all my troubles had been left behind and nothing was wrong anymore.

I moved to the table where there were two seats, the two seats that we always sat at while he taught me the specifics of singing. Notes, chords, how to control your pitch and tone. Things I actually considered fun. As I sat down and turned in my seat towards Seccom, I saw him hold his hands out over his piano. He was clad in all black, just like I had drawn him long ago. Now was one of my favorite parts of my lesson. Listening to him play. His fingers began to dart across the keyboard, playing a somber but uplifting song that echoed through the white rooms.

I felt myself humming along once I realized the tune and musical pattern. After a while, I decided to try and sing along, matching the keys with my vocals, sometimes using other notes to compliment the music instead of meshing with it. The result was great, a duet of voice and strings in harmony. I instilled a sound of youthful hope while his half of the song filled it with a doubt that reflected a lifetime of downfalls.

I really missed his old lessons. After his song finished, I decided to ask a question. "Masada-sensei… do you miss me in the real world?" I asked. He glanced at me sideways from over his shoulder and then away from me. Without looking at me, he nodded. Why couldn't he just say 'yes'? "Masada…? Can't you say anything to me?" I asked, walking towards him. He held out a single finger, nervously pressing in a single key over and over.

He shook his head. "Why not?" I asked him. His nervous pressing of that one high key became faster. Masada's next shrug made me feel like he couldn't explain why not. I frowned. "Can I… at least have a hug?" I asked. I remembered him hugging me long ago after I told him about all of the hard things I'd gone through. It made me happy, it felt like I finally had someone who genuinely cared. Makoto… it felt like he cared, but more often than not I felt like he was doing what he did for me out of duty, not out of care. I couldn't be selfish and dislike him for that, but I felt closer to Masada when I knew him.

Masada extended his arms at my request and I smiled a little. "You don't have to talk if we can have this." I said, my smile growing as I stepped into his arms and hugged him. When I heard a creaking from behind me, a sudden fear struck me. That sound… I knew that sound. That simple creak was the sound that heralded yet another end to a happiness my heart had found while struggling through pain after pain.

I whirled around and stared into the doorway. All around me, my subconscious mind's veiling of my memories began to lift. The white walls began to shift into that of a school's music room, the floor covered with desks, chairs and risers, instruments scattered on different tables. At the doorway was a girl peering in at me and Masada hugging. Now I remembered. A lot of the more artistic or musically talented girls were attracted to Seccom Masada. He was the kind of guy that young girls were attracted to; tall, thin, pale and a slight sense of mystery to him. I didn't enjoy his company for any of that, though. I just liked having someone around who I could trust and confide in. That day that I confided in Masada-sensei, that girl saw us hugging.

She started spreading rumors about me and Masada-sensei having illicit relationships. She, among others, were jealous of my closeness to Masada and the private lessons I was given. One day that girl got suspicious and decided to spy on us on the one day that I decided to hug Masada. That was when everything was blown out of proportion. I suddenly became a slut and a whore nearly within days. The rumors circulated not only by those girls who were jealous of me, but girls who were friends of Poniko's. Everyone was suddenly out to get me. They said horrible things, like that after I had gotten raped in that storage room, I had an 'addiction' to sex. Which was untrue. The concept of sex was frightening and disgusting to me ever since I was _almost _raped.

Everything got worse from here on out. Masada-sensei had charges brought against him once my uncle heard about it. My uncle thought he'd be able to get some amount of money out of him for his trouble. He sued the school, Masada-sensei and even tried to force me to testify against him in court so we could make some money. I couldn't. I was silent that entire day. I decided that if I were to use my new voice, it wouldn't be against one of my closest friends. Eventually, I decided that I'd never use my voice again. In the end, Masada-sensei was acquitted of all charges, but my uncle still decided to place a restraining order on him, barring him from ever talking with me again.

Due to all the social stigma placed on him by these rumors and my uncle's actions, Masada-sensei had to resign from his position as the music director of our school. It wasn't just him who suffered from that stigma, either. I had never had so many people conscious of me and talking about me behind my back, giving me dirty looks as I passed.

That was when I stopped going to school.

The two worlds blended together, eventually my dream being overtaken by my memory of that day. I sighed. There was never going to be any happiness for me, would there? As I looked up to where that girl was peering around the doorway, I saw shadow Makoto standing there.

_It's time to wake up, Madotsuki. _He told me. I looked behind me. Masada-sensei had vanished. As I looked forward again, he was standing besides shadow Makoto. "Masada… are you leaving?" I asked, a weak smile on my face. His crooked eyes were lowered and looked sad. He nodded slowly. "I'll be alone again, huh?" I asked, thinking about Makoto as he left with that woman before I took all those drugs. Masada-sensei slowly nodded.

Shadow Makoto laughed as he walked out of the room with Masada.

All of a sudden, the world snapped back to my dream world. Masada nor shadow Makoto was anywhere to be seen. There was a blaring siren, filling the white walls with a dancing red light. Looking out the window, I could see that the face of my spaceship was hurtling headfirst towards a desolate part of earth. I sighed. Of course the spaceship would crash without its pilot. Looking off to the side, I saw a bedroom.

I might as well be comfortable when I die, right?

I walked towards the bedroom, and I felt a heavy sensation. The same heavy sensation from when I had taken my drugs. I felt tears of frustration welling up in my eyes again. Why was I experiencing this again? Why could I just be warm and comfortable for once? I cried as I struggled to drag my feet against the increased gravity I was experiencing. Somehow, I had struggled all the way into the doorway of the bedroom. I was getting closer; sweet rest was practically there. All I had to do was reach it. Just a little further! The bed was only a few feet away now, I could make it. Once I did, I could finally close my eyes forever. Enjoy nothingness for an eternity.

An explosion of momentum from colliding with the earth threw me onto my back though and everything went black.

The sound of earth clattering against the ceiling of the spaceship began to soften, the heavy thuds eventually lessening into what sounded like the rapping of knuckles against a door. My eyes snapped open. I was laying on my floor of my apartment and someone was knocking on my door.

I sat up slowly, my body fatigued. I smirked bitterly. I guess all the resistance I had gained from taking those medications repeatedly over the years allowed me to survive the overdose. I stood up and straightened out my clothes. It seemed like I still wouldn't be able to rest. Maybe that was a sign…?

Then I remembered someone was knocking. I looked out onto the balcony and it looked like it was noon. Makoto! It had to be Makoto knocking. A giant grin appeared on my face as I totally forgot that I was even mad at him. I reached for the doorknob and threw it open. "Ma-" I began, but was sorely disappointed when the face that greeted me wasn't the person I had grown so attached to.

Instead, it was my uncle's disapproving scowl and wrinkled face glaring down at me.


	11. Escape Route

Of all the people I could want to see, my uncle was not at the top of my list. "What?" I asked gruffly, looking away from his disdainful expression. "I brought your lunch, you brat." He scowled, shoving the tray into my chest. I glared at him, taking the tray of food from him. "Where's Makoto?" I asked, placing it on my desk. Uncle Takeshi tapped his foot. "Well, the good for nothing kid called me this morning and told me that he was going to be swamped with work for a week so we'd have to bring you your food until he could start coming back." Uncle Takeshi said, grabbing hold of my door and closing it as he left my doorway. I once told him if he ever entered my room again, I'd kill him. My uncle and I had been on bad terms for a long time now.

Looking to my food, I felt a tinge of aggravation. That was a convenient lie, Makoto. What are you really doing right now? On another date with that woman you met? Enjoying time with your friends? Were you really that sick of me that you had to push me back onto my parents? Was I that much of a burden to you? I felt myself slipping into a quiet depression. Makoto didn't want to be around me anymore, did he?

Yet, all around me, he was here. His video games, the DVD player with movies and box-sets of television series he had brought me. After-images of us eating together while watching shows and laughing together moved all around the room, playing games and having fun. Now I was alone again. I couldn't even sleep, my dreams had returned. I didn't know what I'd see now if I went to sleep. I couldn't stay awake for as long as I used to before, either. I had gotten accustomed to going to bed after Makoto left.

Instead, I walked out onto the balcony. It was morning again. The city beneath me was bustling as usual, people walking and commuting to work, few cars driving on the narrow roads that snaked through the buildings below. All along the railings were remnants of Makoto's cigarettes having been poked out. There were even a few butts left in an ashtray by the corner of the balcony where I had a clothesline I never used. What was I going to do now? Makoto had left me, despite promising me he'd always be here.

I guess the only thing left to do now was to confront Shadow Makoto in my dreams and reclaim the realm that I had let go of. I needed it now that I had nothing anymore. I heaved a sigh as I stared at the morning sun. Was it alright that I was angry? That I was jealous? That I was feeling possessive? That I wanted to go find Makoto wherever he was and drag him to my apartment? No matter what, I was always feeling disgusted with myself whenever I wanted. Life had convinced me that I had done something in some past life that dictated that I didn't deserve anything in this life.

I turned around and faced my bed that seemed to taunt me from within my apartment. I sighed, deciding to leave my balcony and enter my apartment. There was nothing left to do anymore. It was all or nothing, now. It was time to confront shadow Makoto and end this problem of mine for good. I sighed, walking over to my desk and looking at the pile of pills. I was surprised that I had even survived consuming all of those. Thinking about it now, my body started to ache from the chemically induced sleep. My joints felt awkward and disjointed, my limbs heavy and my skin uncomfortable. Maybe I should take a shower before I went to sleep? I had food on the table, too. It'd get cold if I didn't eat it.

My aunt probably worked *** it, too. I shouldn't let it go to waste. As I sat down and ate, the food reminded me of Makoto. He'd give me a hard time if I didn't eat or if I wasted food. I frowned as I pushed the food into my mouth and forced myself to chew and swallow. That was also probably Makoto speaking for me about the shower. He was trying to get me back into good hygiene, washing every other day as opposed to once a week and brushing my teeth before I went to sleep.

I finished the plate of food and went to the drawers at the base of my bookshelf, fetching a new change of clothes for when I got out of the shower. I felt a pang of sadness as I saw the light pastel pink pajamas that Makoto bought me. He said it wasn't good to sleep in the same clothes you wear during the day, so he bought me the pajamas I was staring at. I placed them on my bed and stared at the floor as I walked into my tiny bathroom. What was I even doing? What was the point? Was I going to relapse back to my routine of nothing or was I going to try and live as Makoto wanted me to?

Maybe this was his way of having me leave my apartment? Leaving me be? It was like throwing a baby bird out of their nest. I shed my clothes and turned the *** to turn on my small standing shower. While I waited for the hot water to travel up the pipes, I looked at myself in the mirror. My body… I felt ashamed, looking at it. I had been touched and violated, nothing of my body felt private or sacred any more. Just disgusting and unwanted. I only felt this way when I was alone, though. Around Makoto… I felt different. I wanted to be seen, all of me. That day I took a shower and walked out of this bathroom naked, I half wished he did do things to me like those boys did to me in the gym storage room. Except gentler, lovingly.

I felt my face turning red as I imagined him doing _things _to me. I turned on the cold water and splashed it into my face, hoping to distract myself. He was gone now. If anything, he was doing those sort of things with a girl older and more developed than me. I was just a kid, Makoto probably wouldn't want to be with me like_that._ She probably had less issues than me, too. I was just a mess, a burden he decided to shoulder until I told him I wasn't ever going to leave this place. I regretted saying that, now. If he came back, I'd tell him to take me from here, that I'd go wherever he wanted as long as it was with him.

I got into the shower, realizing the water was hot and filling the tiny room with steam. I got in and let the warm sensation wrap around me. It was soothing and relaxing. I felt myself leaning against the opposite wall of my standing shower. Normally times like this would've made me sad, or angry. Now I was just jaded. Things didn't bother me anymore. I started adding shampoo to my hair and then laughed at myself. "Forgot to take these out…" I said, remembering that my beaded elastics were holding my hair into two braided pig-tails.

I reached out of the shower and placed them on the bathroom sink as I continued to wash my hair and body. I got out of the shower after I finished, wrapping a towel around myself and wrapping my hair with another towel so it'd dry. I sat on my bed, reaching over to the TV remote and turning on the television. Makoto had been so nice to me since I started talking and stopped dreaming. He even found a remote compatible with my old television and programmed it to work with the TV set and DVD player he connected to it. I didn't feel like doing nothing while my hair dried, so I turned on the last episode I had been watching of a drama show he gave me.

For a person who was about to dive into a world of nothing but nightmares, I was acting pretty easy-going. I guess I didn't see the point in worrying about what I might dream about anymore. Nothing was going to be right anymore, so who cared? Right? I wasn't even sure of that. I removed the towel from my hair, drying it off a bit as I removed it. Tossing it on the floor, I started changing into my pajamas and turned off the lights. I put my hair into a loose pony-tail and laid in bed, watching the episode end from my pillow. I raised the remote to the TV, turning it off. Everything was dark now.

I guess it was finally time to face the darkness in my mind. I reached over to my table, feeling around for differently shaped pills that I knew by touch. Tossing them into my mouth, I swallowed them and closed my eyes. All I could think of was that this was it. That there was nothing left if I couldn't win over my own dreams. I took in a deep breath and exhaled, letting my anxieties flow out with my breath as sleep overtook me.

The bleak absence of light filled the inside of my eyelids and my body went numb as I fell into sleep. As usual, I didn't wake up in my Nexus, on my balcony or even in my room. I stood in a void, surrounded by nothing. As I stood in the darkness, I saw a gray crack forming in the distance. The crack grew and shot towards the sky, filling the darkness with an oppressive gray color. I assumed shadow Makoto could sense my intents and decided to confront me as well. The crack became an immense rip, dark gray smoke reeking of tar flooding through as shadow Makoto stepped through the tear, followed by an army of Toriningen and Poniko besides him.

I reached into my pocket, grabbing hold of the knife effect. "I'm tired of this, Makoto." I said sadly as I glanced at the bright edge of the knife, reflecting the dull gray light from the tear in front of me. _Then end it, Madotsuki. _An end. There was never an end to anything in my life. The suffering, the disappointment. All I could do was repress it and hide in my dreams. Shadow Makoto would never completely disappear; he was the avatar of my life's disappointments and hardships, wearing the skin of someone who mattered most to me. A person who turned out to be the last knife in my heart.

"Do you really think you can face all of us with only that _knife?" _Poniko asked, snickering harshly at me. I smiled a little, a bit of madness creeping into my smile. "You know, I've been gathering my memories for a reason." I told her as smoke rolled over my shoulders, a soft white

A white, sweet smelling smoke began rolling in from behind me, gently flowing over my shoulders. Smoke Makoto appeared at my side, rising out of the smoke. He raised a cigarette to his lips, lighting it and inhaling. _Sure about this, Mado? _Smoke Makoto asked me and I nodded. "Either I win or lose, there's nothing left now." I said dismissively. _If you say so. _He told me as I heard footsteps from behind me in the plume of smoke that seemed to expand from nowhere.

Monoko, Monoe, my parents, Masada-sensei… even my two past selves appeared and stood beside me. We didn't have as many people as shadow Makoto did, but the happy memories I did have wouldn't lose to my unhappy ones anymore. I wouldn't let them win anymore. I was going to be happy in my dreams, dwelling in the good times of my past or not at all. _On your call, Mado. _Smoke Makoto said, removing his cigarette from his mouth.

"Now." I said, taking a single step forward. As if acting on my command, smoke Makoto reached out and flicked his cigarette towards my foes. Almost instantly, a hail of burning cigarette embers started raining from the skies. They passed harmlessly through us, but the Toriningen began writhing in pain. Each ember, upon hitting skin or unseen floor, released a wisp of light gray smoke. I took a single step forward as I heard a strange whirring. I turned around and saw Masada-sensei being lifted by a beam of light into his black and white spaceship, which shot towards the lunatic Toriningen who began rushing us.

Large speakers shot out of the spaceship as I heard a fast-paced opening to a dire piano piece. The music seemed to be triggering a strange weapons systems in the spaceship, as bright white beams began raining down on the Toriningen from the spaceship's speakers. I took another step forward and so did my past selves and Monoko and Monoe. The Toriningen finally reached us, in which my deceased sister and best friend stepped in front of me, to defend me from the Toriningen.

All of a sudden, Monoko became her mangled form from when I first activated the stoplight in front of her. Almost as if her transforming also had the time-stopping quality of my stoplight, all Toriningen froze in place. Monoko with her additional hands began grappling Toriningen, swinging them about and throwing them out of our way as we continued walking forward. Monoe let my sister take of the fight for now, electing to stand directly in front of me while my sister fought for me. "It'll be alright, Madotsuki." Monoe told me, smiling warmly. Did I doubt them?

Looking to my hands, they were shaking. I guess I _was_ nervous. What if I _did _lose? "You won't. I promise." Monoe assured me, turning away from me as we continued walking through the path that my little sister plowed for me. After a while, the Toriningen began to shake and shudder, resisting being frozen. "Can't… hold it much longer." Monoe called out from in front of me, her voice garbled and forced. She was trying so hard, just for me. I felt bittersweet happiness welling up in my chest. All of my memories… all of my loved ones were fighting for me right now.

Monoe said as she stopped for a moment, turning towards me. The lunatic bird people were all shaking violently. Monoe was probably at the limit of her power. "Love you… Madotsuki." She said as her form changed back to the little sister who I remembered from that night of the accident. She smiled once as a lone tear escaped her eyes, running down her cheek before she faded away. The Toriningen exploded from their frozen places, rushing towards me to close the gap that Monoko had created for us.

"I'll take care of this, Mado. Just make it to the end, alright?" Monoe asked and I nodded softly. She stood in front of me and did something I didn't expect. She just smiled. But when she smiled, it cast an enormous after-image of herself over the darkness, filling everyone's eyes with her chillingly calm smile. A vast majority of the Toriningen lost their crazed nature, reverting to normal bird people who cawed at one another in confusion at what they were just doing. "End it all, Madotsuki." Monoe said as she turned towards me, also fading away into the darkness. I continued moving forward, sneaking past the few crazed Toriningen that remained.

After a while though, it seemed that we passed the area where Monoe's smile calmed the Toriningen. Now we stood facing nothing but crazed bird people, blood dribbling from their mouths as they glared at me hungrily. "Sweetheart." I heard from my mother behind me. She placed her hand on my shoulder, smiling at me. "Stay here, we'll make sure you get by safely." She said, patting me on the head. "You've been such a good girl to make it this far. We're proud of you." My father said, placing his hand on my cheek as he kneeled down in front of me.

"But this is where we help you this time." They both said at the same time, taking each others hands and becoming partially transparent. They lifted off of the ground, their feet and half of their legs becoming a light mist. I watched on in horror as they floated through the Toriningen, freezing each as they passed through them. They reached the entire other side of the battlefield, standing a few meters short of Poniko and shadow Makoto. There they turned away from me and kissing one last time. Rain began pouring all around us, replacing the embers that fell from the sky.

White flowers began sprouting from the darkness as I heard the revving of an engine. "No…" I muttered to myself as I saw a bright red car appear directly in front of me, speeding through the Toriningen and reducing each to a soft mist in the rain as it drove through them. After a while, the car collided with my parents and continued speeding towards Poniko and shadow Makoto. Shadow Makoto, looking more and more displeased as I grew nearer, stopped the car with his palm. As it peeled out in resistance, shadow Makoto released a roar of fury, lifting the car and throwing it over his shoulder.

"It's time to go." My younger self said, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She took my hand and I looked to my older young self, who wore the hat and scarf. She walked besides me and took my hand too. "You don't need us anymore, you're going to end this." She told me with a smile as they vanished and so did everything else around me. It all reappeared again, but this time I was in front of shadow Makoto and Poniko. Poniko quickly got between me and shadow Makoto, as if I were some kind of nemesis to his existence.

"You did good, but it ends here." Poniko said, her eyes becoming sharp and her mouth curling up into a wicked smile as she took in a deep breath. Letting loose a roar, that white face grinning terribly at me appeared in the darkness behind Poniko. It overwhelmed the world around me, blocking out the other Toriningen or shadow Makoto. My body froze in horror as I felt black appendages wrapping themselves around my legs and arms, suspending me in the air and spreading my legs apart.

"This time… I'll make you relive that moment a hundred times over." Poniko said to me, laughing. Her face had been replaced by the expression of that black and white creature, her skin becoming black and bubbling like tar. "No… no!" I muttered, freeing my voice from its prison in my chest. "Help!" I screamed and a wisp of smoke appeared behind Poniko. It began taking the form of smoke Makoto's body, a cigarette still dangling from his mouth and a bat in his hand. It was a long, crooked white bat. He tapped it against the black floor, letting a hollow _tink tink tink _sound ring out through the darkness.

Poniko froze in terror as smoke Makoto pinched the filter of his cigarette, inhaling casually as he raised his bat without thought, swinging it with incredible force into Poniko's skull. A spray of blood and Poniko collapsed, the darkness vanishing with Makoto and Poniko within it. Just as the darkness almost completely vanished, I witnessed Makoto flicking his cigarette onto Poniko's unmoving body as he raised his bat once more.

The world returned back to its empty nature before I saw the bat collide a second time.

Now it was just me and shadow Makoto standing face to face now. No one was left, not smoke Makoto, not Masada-sensei. I raised my knife towards the avatar of my woe and took a step towards him. "I'm taking back my dreams." I told him, which caused him to hiss laughter at me. _You've forgotten one memory. The dream that gives that knife meaning. _Shadow Makoto told me. I furrowed my brows, not understanding what he meant. "But… I wanted to kill Monoe's father, that's what this knife means." I said. He shook his head.

_Wrong. The meaning of that knife is different. And until you understand it, the knife has no power. _I heard a voice from behind me say. I whirled around to see smoke Makoto smiling gently at me. _Shall we send her __**there**__? _Smoke Makoto asked his darker counterpart. _I think so. She's shown the resolve to make changes. Lets see if she'll retain it when she remembers. _Shadow Makoto said.

"What…? What are you two talking about?!" I exclaimed, shaking my knife at them as I backed away from them. "Aren't you on my side…?" I asked smoke Makoto. The two seemed to be talking to each other like they were friends. _Well, there was never any sides to begin with. _Smoke Makoto informed me. _I played one role, and the rest of me played the other. You've sought change, found it and lost it and are trying to get it back. We think you're ready for this last trial. _They both said at the same time as they held their hands towards me. What…? They were one in the same? I didn't understand any of this anymore.

Before I realized it, I was overwhelmed by smoke and I was transported to a world I had already been in before. Winding halls, numbers lining the floor and those zipper people all staring at me from the walls. But this one staring at me was different. Its eyes were angled towards the sky and it was frowning. I was still clenching my knife. For some reason, my shaking hands were drawn to the strange zipper person on the wall. It was like something was guiding my hands to plunge the knife into it.

Thrusting the knife forward, a muffled scream erupted from the wall as it tore open, blood leaking from the rip. A warm, oppressive heat surged out of the gap. I hesitated, but I remembered what Smoke and Shadow Makoto said. That this was my last trial. The knife would be powerless without knowing its meaning. But did the power to take control of my dreams even matter? This was my 'last trial'. I didn't understand a thing that was going on in my head. Why did my mind create beings to make me do things subconsciously? It was all so confusing and maddening at the same time.

I took a step into the room and everything was absolutely silent. All except for a strange sound. A squeaky sound, like someone polishing a wooden floor. Walking in, I was greeted by a long hallway floating over a large abyss filled with floating aztec-like figures. Taking a few steps in, I saw something that frightened me. A tall, cylindrical creature, mindlessly rubbing a railing that followed one side of the path. Something was wrong with this hall. It looked familiar. The railing was only on one side… that reminded me of the hallway outside of my apartment. A long, narrow hall that lead up a flight of stairs to my room.

I followed the hallway, images of my uncle's apartment complex flickering over the hallway in my dream. The silence was overbearing, only the _kyuu kyuu _of the creature's rubbing filling the air. A sense of panic began overwhelming me. The silence of this hallway was being overtaken by the stomping of someone's feet. Turning around, I saw the silhouette of a man storming towards me. An unexplainable horror overcame me and I dropped the knife, rushing up the stairs. In the distance, I could hear the shouting and yelling of some man off in the distance. I couldn't make out what he said, but it was filling me with fear.

I fled up the stairs, opening the door at the top of the stairs and slamming it behind me.

I was back in my apartment?

"MADOTSUKI!" I heard my uncle roaring. What? What was going on? I pressed my back to the door, hoping to keep it shut. What was happening? What did I do wrong? My uncle was on the other side of this door, slamming his fists against it, slurring his speech. "You ***' stupid _***! _Open the furckin' door!" He roared, banging on the door even heavier. My heart was beating in my throat. I didn't want to let him in here. I just knew if I did, something would go wrong. Despite my urge to keep the door shut, it flew open and threw me to the ground.

My uncle stood in the doorway, holding a whisky bottle in his hand. "This is my ***' house! Open the door when I say so. You hear me?!" He shouted, grabbing me by the hair and twisting my head towards him. I screamed in pain. "That's what you get, you useless *** burden! You think I like having to pay for your goddamned existence? You stupid ***, you should've died in that crash with your ***' family!" He shouted, causing me to cry. Nothing like those words could cut me deeper.

"Please, don't touch me… please don't touch me." I found myself whimpering over and over. "Oh, what? You don't want me touching you like that filthy music teacher of yours?" He snarled at me as he slammed my face into the carpet of my apartment. The bright red and yellow aztec face of the carpet filled my eyes, flashing as my head collided hard with the floor. "You dirty little ***, you say 'don't touch me' but you sure love being touched by older men, huh?" He snarled, throwing me to my back and slapping me as hard as he can.

"You know, it cost me a lot of ***' money taking your lover to court. And you _didn't *** testify that he had sex with you."_ He snapped at me, slapping me more as I tried to shield my face. "Move your hands." He snarled, drunkenly slapping me as I shielded my face. "I said MOVE YOUR HANDS!" He shouted as he stomped on my stomach, causing me to gasp for breath as sobs wracked my body. I dared move away my hands and looked at my fury-stricken uncle through tear-filled eyes.

He pulled back a fist and slammed it into my face.

My sobs became full-on tears, blood running from my nose into my mouth as I cried with painful force. "Please, please don't!" I screamed as he continued wailing on me. I was too afraid to shield my face, so I kept taking full-force punches to the face as blood filled my mouth and obscured my vision as he split my eyebrows open. After a few moments, he tossed his bottle of whisky to the floor and sat on my stomach. "Do you understand any of this, you *** brat? I barely have any more money to keep this building up. I can barely support myself, nevermind repairs. All. Because. Of. You." He whispered into my ears as he grabbed me by the collar and pulled me close to his face.

It was then that I saw something in his eyes that worried me. That gleam. The lustful spark. "No… don't. Please, don't do that. Don't… ra-ra… ra…" I stammered, a stutter entering my speech. "Shut up. Since the minute I became your guardian and started feeding you, you became my _property."_ He told me as he slammed me back into the floor, twisting me around and pressing my face into the carpet. "No! No! No!" I screamed, hoping he'd stop. "Please! _Please!" _I sobbed as he began tearing my skirt off. "You were molested at school, remember? You were raped then, right? That's why you had sex with that teacher but didn't want to testify. Because you _love _sex. Now I'm going to make you pay for it. I'm going to make you pay for what you costed me with your _body."_ He snarled as my panties came off next. "No, I wasn't raped. I wasn't! I didn't have sex with anyone! Please… please. Stop it, please." I begged, pleading with him as I heard his pants unzippering.

He lifted my face and slammed it hard into the carpet another bright flash of color and those aztec faces erupted into my vision again. "Don't you even dare resist. I will *** _kill _you." He barked at me as he propped me onto my knees. All I could feel was shame and embarrassment. Why was this happening to me? All I could do was focus on the carpet and hope it'd be over soon. I guess this was it. This time for real, my virginity, my innocence, would be taken. I'd be left with nothing anymore. No friends, no family, no loved ones and not even the sanctity of my own body. Just an empty shell of a human being.

"Makoto…" I whispered as in one terrible stroke, my uncle plunged into me. A red hot searing and a tearing sensation ripped apart my insides as I heard the guttural grunting of my uncle as he pleasured himself at my expense. He pressed my face so hard into the floor, I could barely breath, let alone cry. I laid limply on the floor, crying sharply as I kept calling out for the only person who I thought could save me. "Makoto… Makoto… save me, please…" I whimpered over and over as the strokes from my uncle became more intense and faster, filling my body with a disgusting, greasy sensation.

His breaths became sharper as did his movements, filling my body with nothing but pain. Wasn't this supposed to feel good? Wasn't this supposed to be a moment of intimacy shared between two people who wanted to become one in love? Makoto told me this was supposed to be a sacred moment for two people. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Why did it hurt? Why wasn't it with someone I loved? Why wasn't it tender, filled with happiness? All I could do was focus on the carpet's aztec style and try my best to ignore the pain and indignity of what was happening to me. "Makoto…" I whispered one last time as my uncle grunted sharply, a hot sensation filling my stomach. My uncle tossed me to the ground, pulling up his pants with a sigh.

"Did you enjoy that?" He asked me, grabbing me by the pigtail and turning my face towards him. "Was it bigger than your beloved Masada-sensei's?" He asked snidely, the smell of whisky heavy on his breath. I could barely see him through the blood and tears and my vision was blurry from all the hitting and crying I went through. His face was distorted and strange, a brown blur of eyes and oppression. One last moment of silence before he spat in my face and threw me to the floor a final time. He picked up his bottle of whisky and left the room, slamming the door as hard as possible before leaving. The world faded in and out in bouts of black, the only thing I could see being where my face was pressed against. My carpet. The faces of the aztec creatures depicted. All I'd have to do was focus on the aztec design and I'd be able to forget about all of this. Bury it deep inside me so I'd never dream about this happening ever again.

Fade to black and back to reality. I was standing now, looking down at my feet where my skirt lay around my ankles. White and reddish liquids ran down my legs. I was moving on my own now. I grabbed my skirt and pulled it back up to my waist, trying to rebutton it, despite being torn. Fade to black and back to reality. I'm in the hallway of my apartment, my hand dragging against the polished railing.

_Kyuu, kyuu. Kyuu, kyuu._

Each step I took was accompanied by another squeaking of my flesh dragging across the railing. Fade to black and back to reality. I was on the eighth floor. People who were in the hallway to see what all the screaming was saw me in the hallway, walking limply to my unknown destination. Looks of horror on each of their faces. Fade to black and back to reality. I'm in the kitchen on the eighth floor of the complex. I'm staring at a butcher's block and I'm drawing a knife. What am I going to do with this knife?

Fade to black and back to reality. I'm walking down the main staircase, heading to the bottom floor. Am I going to confront my uncle? I'm dragging the knife against the wall, a soft scratching as I walk down the stairs with an absentminded smile on my face. Fade to black and back to reality. I'm standing in front of my aunt and uncle's door. It says 'Landlord' on the door. I raise my hand holding the knife and rap the base of the handle against it lifelessly. My aunt answers the door, but I can't hear what she's saying. Everything is muffled, like I'm hearing her talk through a wall. My uncle is approaching the door, an angry expression on his face. I hold the knife out towards him.

"If I survive this, don't ever come back to my room or I will kill you. I will cut every part of you off and eat it. I'll start with what you stuck into me just a little while ago." I said as an expression of horror appeared on my uncle's face. My aunt turned to my uncle, screeching at him about something I couldn't hear. It didn't matter. I turned the knife to myself and began drawing it vertically along the veins in my arms, switching to the other hand and doing the same to the other, dropping the knife and letting the blood flow freely down my arms, just like my legs.

Even though this was the most lifeless and crushed I had ever felt in my life, I was smiling as I felt my body's blood supply empty through the gashes in my arms.

Everything faded to black again and I was sitting in the darkness of my dreams. I remembered now what I had forgotten. I was rushed to the hospital and barely survived. I was put under strict supervision and saw a lot of psychiatrists and said nothing to any of them. When I was finally returned home, everything changed. I was left completely alone. My aunt brought me my food. My uncle didn't come near me anymore. "Makoto…" I whispered one last time as I felt the sensation of waking enter my body. Shadow and smoke Makoto both stood in front of me, but fused together in one body. Two different colors, half his face smiling and the other frowning sadly. My knife sat in front of me, the edge dirtied with dark red blood.

_It's time to end this. _Dream Makoto said. He was right. I reached into my pocket, fetching my keyring of effects. It was filled with a bunch of other effects, too. Ones I didn't remember getting. Did I get them in dreams I didn't remember? It didn't matter. As I placed the keyring of effects on the floor of the dark emptiness of my dream world. They all removed themselves from the keychain, turning to different colored lights and becoming eggs that surrounded me and dream Makoto. Once they all formed, they began to crack. _Did you hear me? It's time to end this, Madotsuki. You have to make the choice. You have to leave._ He said as the eggs exploded into pastel lights that filled my dreams. We were in the sky, surrounded by softly colored clouds and a distant sun. Dream Makoto took a step away from me, falling backwards into the clouds beneath the invisible floor I sat on.

A pang of terror seized me and I lurched forward to catch Makoto's hand. I woke with a start, sitting up with my hand outstretched. My face was soaked with tears as I looked to my hand. "Makoto…" I uttered again, placing my face in my hands. I had to leave with Makoto. I had to leave this place soon or I'd never escape this suffering. I was going to get in contact with Makoto. I was going to move out with him as soon as I could.

I leaped out of bed, rushing towards my door. I didn't fear the outside anymore. I feared what was inside me more. I feared what I had to change. I rushed down the stairs, my eyes still filled with tears. As fast as I could in bare feet, I ran down the stairs of my hallway and down the main stairwell of the apartment complex. Stepping quickly, I moved as fast as I could, eventually reaching that door that read 'Landlord' on it. I raised a fist, slamming into it as hard and fast as possible. It was early in the morning, but I didn't care. I needed to use a phone and call Makoto right now. I needed to start organizing me leaving this place for good. Makoto would be thrilled, I could be out of here in a few days if I was lucky. I didn't have much to pack, anyways.

Eventually my aunt answered the door in a bathrobe. "Madotsuki…? It's six in the morning. What's the matter? You're out of your room… Is everything okay?" She asked, her tired eyes looking concerned. "Aunt Kaede. I need Makoto's phone number and a phone so I can call him." I demanded in a clear tone. My aunt looked confused for a second. "Makoto?" She asked. I nodded. "Yes, Makoto Kouki. The guy who comes here and takes care of me all the time." I said. I didn't have time to explain to my forgetful aunt who he was. "Sweetheart, we don't know a Makoto." Aunt Kaede told me. I groaned.

"Yes we do! I've know him since I was a kid. I met him here, at the cookout that my parents died at. Don't you remember?" I asked and a look of confirmation entered my aunts face. "Oh, _that _Makoto!" She said. "Yes, _that _Makoto. Now give me his number so I can call him. I made him mad and he stopped visiting me." I said. My aunt laughed. "Sweetie, Makoto doesn't exist." Aunt Kaede told me with a soft smile. "Back at the cookout, everyone was being mean to you, so you made up a friend. You named him Makoto and talked to him the entire cookout. I didn't know you still believed in imaginary friends." My aunt said, patting me on the head. "I don't blame you, it must get lonely up there all alone in that room. I keep telling your uncle to find you a better roo-" She said, but I interrupted her.

"No, you're lying. He's not imaginary. He bought me the pajamas I'm wearing right now and he's been visiting me here for years." I said. I didn't appreciate this joke my aunt was playing on me. "Maddy. You're not wearing pajamas." She said and I looked down at myself. I was wearing my pink turtleneck shirt with my maroon skirt and stockings. "What… what?" I muttered, my eyes widening in shock. When did I change my clothes? I must've… I must've sleep-walked or something and changed my clothes. That had to be it. I turned away from my aunt and ran all the way back up the stairs and into my room. I panted heavily, not used to this kind of physical exertion.

I looked around my room for the things that Makoto had given me. The DVD player, the video games. The clothes, the hat and scarf in elementary school. All of it was gone. Nothing was where it should've been. "Oh my god." I muttered to myself as my heart seemed to stop. This was just a cruel joke. This wasn't true. This_couldn't _be true. I was in love with Makoto. How could he have been imaginary? How could I have dreamt all that up? I dashed towards my desk, slapping aside my bottles of pills as I opened my dream diary. I flipped it open to the most recent entry.

_Day 15, Month April_  
_I had a bad dream, I was being chased by strange bird people and one caught me. I was transported to a strange place that I couldn't leave._

My expression filled with shock and horror. No. This was impossible. The entry I made before wasn't there. The furthest back I could remember was when Makoto started to reach out to me, trying to change me and make my life happier. But that day was the _sixteenth of April._ None of it happened. My hands shot to my face in terror. _How could this be? _With shaky hands, I grabbed my pen and began scribbling a new entry.

_Day 16, Month April  
I like it better in my dreams. I don't feel bad when I'm asleep._

A trembling laugh grew in my throat. This was the entry that I was supposed to have written when everything was starting to change. And it was hilarious because it was _true. _If all that with Makoto was a dream, life would've been better if I had never woken up. I felt nothing but horrible right now. Everything was all wrong. I confronted all of my memories, all of my fears. I was ready to move on. But I didn't have the means to moving on. The trembling laugh grew into a shrieking one as I thought back to what Makoto said in my dreams.

_It's time to end this._

Oh, it was. It was time to end this. It was time to escape from this world. To take the only route left to me now. The laughter didn't stop. I walked towards my door, opening it and looking into the hallway. It was still there. When I was a little kid, I couldn't reach the sink in the bathroom so my uncle brought a mini set of step-stairs up to my floor so I could reach. A final gift from my uncle. A means of escape. This was everything to me now. I pushed it into my room and stopped, moving towards my dream diary to add one last line.

_I'm going to sleep forever._

I continued pushing my step stairs towards the balcony, to the place where the clouds were brightest. Where the truth of the world and my final hope existed. I pushed it to the railing and took a moment to catch my breath. This was it. This was it. This was the end, there was going to be nothing after this. I slowly took the steps up the small stairs, eventually stopping at the edge of the railing. I looked down over the railing, towards the street corner beneath me. Instead of looking down, I looked up, taking in a deep breath. Finally, I felt a sense of peace in my heart. As I opened my eyes, I saw Makoto in front of me.

He was floating over the edge of the railing. He had an apologetic smile on his face, his eyes filled with pain. "I'm really sorry I put you through all of that." He told me. I shook my head. "You know what? It's alright. Even if you were just a part of my mind, I still appreciate everything you did for me. I can't live in this reality anymore and I was too blind to realize it. You helped show me the way." I told him with a smile. "Even though I wasn't there in reality, I've always been there for you whenever faced with a tough situation. When everyone spurned you, when you lost your family and sister. Friends and your innocence. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to save you from your uncle, though. I had to stay out of that one so I could show you the way correctly." Makoto told me.

"But now I'm here to help you through your last hardship." He said, holding out his arms. I smiled and couldn't help but cry. I was happy, but it hurt so much too. I stepped into his arms and we both fell together, plummeting towards the earth and towards an eternal dream together. "We'll be together forever this way, won't we?" I asked Makoto as wind rushed by my ears and we fell. "Of course, Madotsuki." He whispered into my ear while we fell, holding me softly. "I'll make everything better in your next life." He told me. In those words, I could feel solace.

"I love you, Makoto." I told him as I sensed the end nearing. It wouldn't be soon before we collided with the ground.

I was so happy, my face nestled against his chest. Everything would finally be perfect. The perfect escape route.

What will befall Madotsuki? A... BAD END or GOOD END?


	12. Bad End

The cold sensation of the morning's wind against my face as I fell was relaxing. But it didn't prepare me for the end result of my escape. Makoto covered my eyes with his hand as he first collided with the ground and I heard a sickening crack. A bright red flash soon filled the inside of my eyelids and an itchy dullness spread through my body, quickly accompanied by a soft, welcoming warmth. Off in the distance, I could've swore I could heard something like people screaming. But the sound that filled my ears the most before I lost all connection to the world of the living was a soft chime.

It sounded like wind-chimes, being gingerly brushed by the morning's breeze. Two tones, soft and somber. Why did they sound so familiar…? It didn't matter. I let go of the world around me, fading away from reality. Now I could finally begin my eternal dream. A new life, away from the world that had done nothing more than oppress and lie to me.

The morning sun was just barely peeking out over the horizon of cookie-cutter suburban houses. tightly packed together. I walked out along my house's short pathway, kneeling down and picking up the newspaper that the paperboy had left. As I picked it up, I couldn't help but to feel a nagging emptiness in my chest. Was it because I felt alone here, in this new neighborhood? Even though I had first moved here only a year or two ago, I had a lot of friends and everyone seemed to like me. It just felt like something was missing. I ignored it, turning back around and walking along the pathway barefoot until I opened the door to the inside of my house.

I walked through the front hall, littered with family portraits and little knic-knacks that my mother liked to collect while browsing in the shopping district. I stopped for a moment, a small picture tucked away in the corner on top of a small end-table having caught my eye. I narrowed my eyes, focusing on it for a second. It was a class photo from a festival our school had thrown. I was standing there happily with my hand clasped around a friend of mine's. We wore the same uniform, a simple white blouse and black skirt. Her eyes half closed and distant, all of her effort put into upholding a faint smile that seemed to falter at the edges with me standing besides her, wearing. Madotsuki. My grip on my father's newspaper seemed to loosen. That's what this emptiness was.

I had friends now, but they weren't like her. They didn't have that genuine liveliness and charisma that she had deep inside her. Not only that, but I felt like I had failed her. Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she happy…? That last question was the one that resonated in my mind the most. I wanted to know if my friend was _happy. _She was always so unhappy and struggling to just find a soft spot of sunshine in her life. Back before I started spending time with her, I often saw her mumbling to herself, talking to a person who was never there.

When I asked her about it, she told me it was her friend Makoto, a person who was very important to her. A person who was always there, making sure to be there whenever she felt like there was nothing but sadness left in the world. After a while of asking around, I found that there wasn't a Makoto by the last name she gave, so I imagined it was an imaginary friend. Despite that being somewhat frightening, I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to see a real smile from her. And I did, I made her happy for a long time. Then my father had to get a better job. There was such a fight between me and him over this move, which lead me to running away to Madotsuki's house. I smiled bitterly. We had a half-baked plan that we were ***-bent on executing, even though they still found me.

"Sweetie, what's taking so long?" I heard my father call dryly. "Sorry." I responded with, not answering why I was taking longer than I should've. I walked into the kitchen, placing the newspaper onto the breakfast table and sitting down. "Thank you." My father said. "Yep." I said in a distant tone, leaning on my elbow and peering out open the window at a windchime that hung outside. "Elbows off of the table, little miss. And you should say 'you're welcome', instead of saying 'yep'. It's rude and very unladylike." My father said. I nodded silently. My father was older than most, so he was still very old-fashioned and had a very high regard of standards for women.

"Yes, father. You're right. I'm sorry and you're welcome." I said, removing my elbows from the table and continuing to glance out the window. I felt a soft breeze of wind flow through the opening, gently swaying the chimes and causing them to collide with two long metal rods that caused the chimes to resonate with sound. That was a gift from Madotsuki, a long time ago. In arts and crafts class. Madotsuki was always great at practical, hands on things. She had an inquisitiveness in her that helped her solve why things worked the way they did and then could replicate it. There was a chime in the art class that I said I liked, so she tried to figure out how to make one on her own. She even asked the music teacher what was a somber chord in music and what happy one would compliment it. Seccom Masada-sensei answered her with two chords; the D minor and C sharp minor chord. In the crafts class, she gathered some metal and started doing a little research on how chimes made sound and how they resonated to make the sound.

After a couple of weeks of straight working at it, she eventually managed to make two chimes that were able to emulate the two chords. Pleased with herself, she gave it to me, saying it was a gift. I wasn't sure whether to accept it or not until she explained it to me. The sad chime was herself while the happy chime was me. '_This way, no matter where we are, we'll be together at least in our hearts, right?' _I couldn't deny such a heartfelt gift, even if it still pained me to have it now. Before, that sad chime would remind me that my happiness could bring light to her life. Now it just reminded me that I couldn't reach her anymore, even though our chimes were so close to one another.

"Monoe, dear." My father called to me, pulling me from within my thoughts. "Yes, father?" I asked, trying on one of my fake smiles. "Why don't you smile anymore?" He asked me, a tired frown on his worn expression. "I am smiling." I told him, to which he seemed to frown more at. "It's not like you used to, though. Did I do something wrong…?" He asked and I laughed, shaking my head. "No, you didn't." I answered. It wasn't entirely a lie. He hadn't done anything wrong to _me,_at least. It was my closest friend that he had wronged.  
I glanced back at my chimes, letting a small sigh escape me. As I did, it seemed the wind wanted to respond and heaved a heavier sigh that wore heavily on the windchime that Madotsuki made me. And when it did, it seemed that the old strings gave way and they fell with a clatter to the bushes beneath the window. I jumped up with a gasp. My father looked over, surprised at my sudden action. "What's the matter, dear?" He asked me. I was silent for a moment, brushing aside a lock of my black hair. "It's… nothing. It just surprised me that my windchime broke and fell." I said. My father sighed, turning the page of his newspaper. "Don't worry. I'll find it after I finish reading this article and I'll fix it later." He told me. "Thank you." I said in a polite manner, sitting back down in front of him. I sort of wanted to rush out and get it now, to fix it on my own. It didn't feel right to let it lay there in a mess outside my window.

I glanced forward at my father's paper, scanning the front page for anything interesting to read. My mother was still cooking breakfast for us both, so I had time to kill still. Most of the news was local, about certain happenings in the town and small, unimportant things. But in the corner seemed to be an important piece of news. _**Girl leaps from balcony in the city**_, the small bolded header read. Strange that the paper was printing news from the city a couple of miles away. The local paper was probably running out of things to cover and felt that a suicide story would help pad the pages.

Still, I felt a nagging in the back of my head. I didn't often think about Madotsuki, but today everything was reminding me of her. The picture, the chimes… and strangely, that header. It was something Madotsuki told me when we were friends. That if her life ever got too unbearable, that she'd throw herself from her balcony to commit suicide. She reassured me that she'd never do that, especially seeing as she had me for a friend. '_Everything is alright like this. I've dealt with so much already, what could make me want to do that now?' _Was what she told me with those tired eyes and that weak laugh of hers.

Although I believed her then, what about now? What if her life had gotten worse and she didn't have anyone to rely on anymore? Worriedly, I kept glancing back to that column. "Father, may I see the front page of your newspaper if you're not reading it?" I asked. He glanced over the corner of the paper at me, his large nose peeking out as well as he looked to me confused. "Sure, Monoe." He said, removing the page and handing it to me, neatly folded. I quickly took it from him, looking intently at that article as my fear began to grow as I read it.

…_the suicide occurred in our own Miyagi prefecture's capital city of Sendai, in the downtown area…_  
That was where Madotsuki lived, in downtown Sendai.  
…_the girl in question was seventeen and by law and request of her only remaining family, her aunt, her name shall not be released… _

This was making the knot in my stomach grow. Only remaining family? Although Madotsuki had an aunt _and _uncle, something might've happened to her uncle that'd leave her only with her aunt. But the age was spot on. We were both seventeen. I could feel the tension building in my chest as I continued reading. It blocked everything out. I could hear my father calling me, trying to ask me what was wrong. But I couldn't answer him. I had to know if this was Madotsuki.

…_her uncle, the landlord, has been apprehended for neglect and the police are attempting to charge him with sexual assault and battery as well as rape on a minor, as the police have supposedly found horrifying accounts in a __**dream diary **__depicting the ordeal. Witnesses who are tenants of the __**apartment complex**__ are beginning to testify to seeing her the night that she was raped, wandering the hallways, still crying. They didn't want to testify when it happened due to fear of eviction…_

I dropped the newspaper, my hands darting to my mouth in terror. It had to be Madotsuki. Her uncle owned an apartment complex and everything all fit. How…? How could this have happened? The anxiety in my stomach exploded, pouring a heavy, oppressive sensation into my chest. It felt like this was my fault. This all happened when I wasn't around. "No…" I whispered, my hands shaking as I lowered them from my face. I closed my eyes and kept mumbling 'no' to myself. This was a horrible dream and I was going to wake up any minute. "No, no, no, no, no no no no…!" I hissed as my hands raised to my face. I was in shock. It was my father's hands clasping my shoulders tightly that shook me from my fugue. "Monoe! What's the matter?!" He exclaimed, a concerned expression on his face. "Madotsuki…!" I whispered again, my face filled with panic.  
How could she be dead?

I asked my father to find her aunt's number so I could call and ask. If it was Madotsuki… I had to make it to the wake and the burial. It was the least I could do as her friend. The dull pain in my chest didn't fade when I finally called Madotsuki's aunt and asked if I could speak with Madotsuki. The long silence and inevitable response from her aunt that was 'No, Madotsuki's gone… you can't talk with her anymore,' shook me to the core, causing me to cry on the phone. 'Who is it that's asking?' Her aunt asked me, her voice audibly choked up from having to say such hard words.

"Her old friend, Monoe." I told her. She informed me of what happened and when the dates for the wake and burying of her ashes would be. We both cried on the phone for a long time. She really loved her niece, but she was always being scolded by her militant husband for spoiling Madotsuki. Not only had she lost her sister and brother-in-law, but now she had lost her beloved niece and her husband was going to jail for neglecting to care for their niece and the shame of rape was falling on her shoulders.

A week passed before the wake finally took place. My father decided to take me all the way to Sendai in his company car, apologizing to me the entire time. "It's not your fault, father." I told him emptily each time. "But… I knew what her life was like. You told me. You tried to stay by her side and I separated you. I know this weighs heavily on you, the sense of helplessness that you couldn't do anything to save your friend because of me. This is all my fault, Monoe…" He kept telling me.

I glanced outside the window, dark clouds were beginning to roll across the sky, blocking out the sun and releasing a soft drizzle. This was the kind of weather Madotsuki loved the most. "…It's not your fault, father." I told him, but I wanted to blame him and accept the excuse in his words, so I wouldn't suffer. But I had to. I had to bear this for Madotsuki, I had to accept the responsibility of being the last light of happiness that went out and drowned her in the darkness of sorrow.

We arrived at the apartment complex, where the wake was being held in the front hall of the building. As we pulled up, I was surprised to see that there was an alarming amount of people already here. Adult men and women as well as people I recognized as old students were all wearing black and carrying condolence envelopes. My father parked and I began to open the door. "You can stay here." I said, clutching my condolence envelope in my hand as I struggled to keep a straight face. "No, I'm coming with. I have to apologize to Madotsuki and her aunt as well." He said, reaching into his black suit jacket's pocket and showing me a condolence envelope of his own. I silently conceded and walked into the apartment building.  
When I got inside, I was shocked to see the hallway filled with people sitting and talking softly amongst one another. Not only was a lot of our old schoolmates here, but it looked like her fellow tenants and even some of her extended family had arrived to pay their respects to Madotsuki. I couldn't help it. My chest heaved and I began to cry softly. Some people turned their head towards me, but then turned away. I was just so happy to see so that Madotsuki was finally with all the people she had always wanted to be close to. People from school she wanted to be friends with, the people from her apartment she wished she could know better, the extended family who she wanted to see as real family who distanced themselves from her.

"Hello, Monoe." I heard a soft voice say. "I wiped my eyes and turned to see Madotsuki's aunt Kaede standing there, also wearing a black blouse and skirt similar to me. "Please, I'd like you to stand with me and accept the other guests' condolences in front of Madotsuki's arrangement." She asked me, motioning towards the front of the seating. Traditionally, the front of the seating was for next of kin and family. "But I'm not-" I said, but she shook her head. "You were the closest thing to family that she had. Please, if it isn't too hard for you to bear." Kaede asked me and I looked to my father, whose expression had turned to stone. I could tell he was struggling to not become emotional. "It'd be rude to refuse, Monoe." He told me. I nodded, following Kaede to the front. There was no buddhist priest here, since Madotsuki didn't subscribe to any religion or belief. She couldn't, because believing in a higher power would mean that someone was trying to make her life miserable.

I felt like I was standing in a world separate from the one I had always known. Before, I was a carefree student and ignoring the gnawing darkness in the back of my head about my friend who I had left behind. Now, it felt like the world had ended. There was a floral arrangement and a picture of Madotsuki with her family in the center of the table. Other pictures of her dotted the arrangement, chronicling her life and growth until the very last picture of her, where she was standing on her balcony, leaning against the railing and smiling happily at whomever it was that was taking the picture. I felt another pang of pain, realizing that the picture had been taken by me one day when I slept over. It was ironic that she had a picture of her smiling happily on the same balcony she faced her darkest moment and decided to end it all.

Kaede and I stood in front of the table, accepting the envelopes of condolence money from the guests as they said their goodbyes to Madotsuki. Her urn of ashes was set behind the large picture of her and her family. Due to her impromptu death, she was cremated before the wake, as opposed to normal where the body was cremated after the wake. A lot of old friends recognized me and apologized for how they had treated Madotsuki, saying that they were just following the pack and regretted it. Some even apologized for not ever trying to get to know her, saying that she seemed like a nice person, but didn't want to be picked on like she was. What shocked me the most was to see Poniko approaching the table. She didn't make eye contact with me, knowing that I had a serious hatred for her since Madotsuki called me that one day telling me that she had been tricked by someone she thought was a 'friend'.

Poniko sold her to be raped by other students, but was luckily stopped by Seccom Masada who was tipped off by a student. Madotsuki called me in tears, explaining how the whole thing happened and how horrifying it was, how dark and desolate the world seemed. "It's not enough to make up for what I've done or what she's experienced, seeing as she's gone…" Poniko began after a long silence in which I stared her down with a fierce glare. If we were anywhere else, I'd have assaulted her where she stood. "But take this." She said, handing Kaede a heavy looking envelope. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"It's a hundred thousand yen." She said, her eyes reflecting sadness I didn't expect her able to portray. "If you're trying to buy away your guilt, then take it ba-" I began, but Poniko shook her head. "No, no amount of money will make my guilt go away. Ever since I returned to school, people have been treating me like they treated her. Called me a traitor and a coward, even though they didn't even _pretend _to be her friend. And… the nightmares. I have these horrible nightmares where I'm in Madotsuki's position, but no one saves me. And then I'm beaten to death by some blonde man. I know the dreams won't stop haunting me even if I make things better." Poniko said softly. "I just… want to apologize to her. She didn't deserve any of this. My money means nothing. It'll never bring her back, but I hope it'll at least ease your sadness." Poniko finished, walking over to Madotsuki's table and whispering softly to her picture. Family members and tenants gave their condolences and the last person of the procession approached the table.

"Masada-sensei?" I asked, confused. "Hello Monoe." He said with a faint smile. "Why…?" I asked him. "Well, after Madotsuki was molested, I offered to give her music lessons to help build confidence and give her a 'friend' of sorts. We became fast friends and she became easily one of my brightest music students. She was a wonderful singer. But… a rumor spread by jealous students forced me to resign and her uncle placed a restraining order on me. Ironic, isn't it? Being accused of statutory rape by the rapist?" He asked bitterly, looking away. "Still, this isn't the time for things like that, although it explains why I'm here…" He said softly. "My condolences. I wish I could've helped her more." He said with a sad expression that contorted as he held back tears. He handed the envelope to me, which I handed to Kaede.

"It's all his fault, wasn't it?" I heard him whisper to Madotsuki's picture while he whispered his goodbyes to his student and friend. As he turned and walked away, I could hear his quiet sobs. "It shouldn't have been this way." He said, stopping in the middle of the aisle between the seats. "No, it shouldn't have. But there's nothing we can do now. Masada-san, please don't let anger fuel your sadness. Madotsuki wouldn't have wanted anyone to be sad. She spent her entire life sad, I'm sure she'd prefer if we mourned and held her dear to our hearts instead of being bitter." Kaede said softly.

"You're right. But I hope for your husband's sake he doesn't get out of jail, or he will have something to answer for." Masada-sensei said as he left the building. Everyone had gone except for me and my father. "Monoe, I know I've already asked for a lot… but, would you stay and keep vigil with me as well?" She asked, her smile slight. I nodded. "Father, I'll call you in the morning after we bury her ashes, alright?" I asked him. He nodded. "I understand. Please take care of my daughter, Kaede-san." He said, bowing congenially and leaving.

Kaede moved towards the urn, carrying it in her arms. Behind it was a smaller one and painted a soft pastel pink, like the turtleneck she always loved wearing. "That one's for you, dear." She said. I frowned. "Aren't you supposed to bury the ashes with the deceased's family?" I asked. She nodded. "Yes, but I know that Madotsuki would've enjoyed being with both her closest friend and family at the same time. I know I'm asking a lot of such a young girl, but…" She said and I smiled. "No, I'd love to." I said, picking up the small urn and fallowing Kaede. It looked like we were going to her room.

We pushed the door open, some remnants of police tape still remaining on the door. She placed the urn on her desk and I followed suit. Besides it, though was a small diary. "Is that…?" I asked softly. Kaede nodded. "Yes, that's her dream diary. The police made a copy of it and returned it. I wanted to have it back as soon as I could so I could read it. Even though its too late now, I want to get as close as I can to her. I already read it, so if you'd like you can too. Even though there was a lock mechanism and enough space to declare 'no trespassers' somewhere, she never did. It was like she was leaving it open there to be read by someone." Kaede said. I picked it up and sat down beside her.

I opened the dream diary and began reading. I couldn't even begin to comprehend the depth of Madotsuki's troubled mind. The hallucinations from sleep deprivation, the nightmares, the multiple personalities she seemed to exhibit… hours passed as I began analyzing all I could from this diary. Just like her aunt, I wanted to know everything I could about Madotsuki now that it was too late. I wanted to understand, I wanted to be closer to her. I wanted to understand her so I could mean it when I apologized to my closest friend when we buried her ashes.

My eyes felt heavy, but I couldn't close them. I had to stay awake. Vigils were spent watching over the deceased to prevent spirits from harassing their body as they passed on into the next life. But this wasn't so much a vigil as it was Kaede and I trying to understand the pain and struggle she experienced every night she spent here. I flipped the page and sunk deeper into Madotsuki's madness. Her handwriting seemed to go between frantic and nearly illegible to perfectly neat and as sure as a carving into stone. But the topics were almost always the same; her dreams and what she saw in them. She seemed desensitized to the dismembered beings, disturbing creatures and faceless or frightening people she experienced.

Why didn't she try and contact me? If I could've even just talked to her, kept her some kind of company… I could've been her crutch, kept her from this madness, this ending. As the pages turned, the entries started to shift from mostly about her dreams and then slightly about a person she didn't name. As the entries continued, the entries about dreams became less and grew more detailed about that person. It was strange how the entries shifted from being about her dreams to what seemed like normal diary entries about her day to day life with some person she said she had known for a long time. I finally came across his name: Makoto.

Oh, her old imaginary friend. Did she start dreaming about him to the point where it seemed that real? Her handwriting in these entries was soft, like she barely placed the tip of her pencil to the diary's page. Her medicine probably put her in such a trance-like state that she barely knew what she was doing in her waking hours and then went back to sleep, her dreams a gentler place than here. The world that hid behind my back had faded to darkness as I delved deeper into Madotsuki's madness. Hours passed and I had found myself halfway through the quickly disintegrating state of Madotsuki's mind. It stopped being entries; these quickly became narrations of what happened on a daily basis, the contents of her dreams not even being brought up unless it was told to Makoto. The details of her life within a dream quickly devolved into frantic emotions and quickly became small passages cramped against the walls of the page, scribbles containing her unthreadable thoughts.

I felt a heaviness overcoming my lids as I flipped another page. Was this how she felt every night? Devoid of hope and weighted with these thoughts? The darkness seemed to play tricks on me as I read. Sometimes I thought I saw shadowy after-images of people slipping in and out of my sight, giggling lightly. My hands began to shake as I turned another page. Kaede besides me was in another world; her eyes filled with somber emotion and her body as still as stone. "Kaede…?" I called out, looking to her for a moment. Her eyes darted towards me. "Can you… _see _them?" I asked, my body suddenly feeling overwhelmed by chill. "Yes, I can." She said, her rigid crease of a mouth parting only slightly to speak the words she had chosen. For some reason, I felt like I shouldn't press the question any further.

Children, monsters, creatures and landscapes seemed to be fluttering in and out of my vision, as if taunting the fact I considered myself sane. Was Madotsuki's emotions bound to this book and manifesting in this room through death? My body shuddered as I felt slim hands touch my shoulders for a second. I whirled around and I only saw a tall black shadow quickly flying backwards and through the glass door that lead to the balcony, disappearing once it passed the guardrail. My body was filled with tremors now. I turned back to the book in front of me. If I didn't finish reading the book soon, I had the feeling something _wrong_ would happen. I had to close the book or it'd swallow me in it's darkness eventually.

The writing stopped forming sentences. They were now just single words, embodying everything that Madotsuki was. Confused, hurt. Distraught, lost. Alone, filled with nothing but stretched hopes and wants that she felt would never come true. I flipped another page, my eyes growing heavier with each word I read. This page and the next were empty, only a single word engraved in the center of the book, corners jagged with anger as she wrote the single word I viewed.

_**NO MORE**_

The heavily written words began to bleed into the pages, which shocked me. I went to move my hand to close the book out of fear, but for some reason my body was rooted in place. I could only look on in fear as the black leaked onto the floor, off of the pages and began to consume the room around me. The darkness crawled like twisted roots of a tree across the walls, trying to envelop even the smallest amount of light it could feast on. After a short time, even Kaede was swallowed whole, leaving me alone in this void. I heard a footstep behind me. I found myself able to move again, because I leapt to my feet and turned quickly.

Someone stood before me. In the darkness, she stood out completely. That maroon skirt, the pink turtleneck… Madotsuki was standing in front of me, her eyes closed and face turned towards the ground. "Mado…?" I asked, a faint, shuddering smile forming on my face as I moved towards her. She took a step forward, moving her hands from behind her back. She was carrying a knife. I took back the step I had set forward. For a minute, her image flashed and she was covered in blood, her skull caved in and right eye missing. _You left me. _She whispered and my fear was immediately replaced by an overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt.

"I did…" I muttered, looking back to Madotsuki. Her clothes were torn now and she was still covered in blood. It looked like she had stepped out of a horror movie. Yet still, I didn't feel afraid after what she said. _You left me. _She repeated and I bit my lip. I know I did. But what could I have done? I awkwardly moved myself towards her until we were standing in front of one another. _You left me… _She whispered, this time her voice shaken as if she had been crying. I looked to her knife that she had raised and aimed towards my stomach. I placed my arms around her shoulders, leaning my forehead against hers. "I know. I'm sorry, I made you suffer, didn't I? It's my turn now." I said to her as she flashed between the images of her living and dead self.

A quick stab and I let out a pained but muted grunt, shortly accompanied by a gasp. The cold metal sheared through the warmth of my stomach, causing it to escape from my body. I felt tears coming on, but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because I was sad. Sad that it had come to this, that I had to pay for her unhappiness with pain instead of enjoying her happiness with glee. She withdrew the blade and slammed it into my stomach again. I didn't grunt this time, but only gasped again as I stared at Madotsuki's closed eyes. Wouldn't you open them for me? Please? I missed seeing those once-cheerful eyes of yours. I missed seeing that gleam of reckless hope that you had long since abandoned.

Impact after impact until my knees started to buckle and I crumbled to the floor, my hands still clasped around her shoulders gently. "Please… just look at me again." I said in barely a whisper. She dropped the knife, placing a bloodied hand on my head as she opened her eyes just slightly, showing me a glimmer of those hopeless ochre eyes. In a flash, everything faded away.

I woke up.

"You fell asleep so I didn't want to wake you. You spent all night reading that journal and getting to the end so I let you sleep." Kaede said with a soft smile. She was kneeling besides me. The flash was her drawing the curtains from the balcony and letting in the morning light. "Did you finish the book?" She asked me. I looked down to it. I flipped ahead a couple pages. There seemed to only be one more after the one I was on, with _**NO MORE **_ground into the page. I closed it, tucking it under my arm. "No, I didn't. I think I'll finish the last page at Mado's family grave." I said as I stood, my body jerky and rigid. It was to be expected, I had fallen asleep sitting up.

We took the journey down the stairwell, through the eighth floor hall and down the main staircase to the front hall of the apartment complex. "What are you going to do now, Kaede-san?" I asked her, in regards to the apartment complex. She sighed. "I really… don't know. If my husband is convicted, then I can legally sell the complex, although a lot of good people would lose their homes. I'm probably just going to work an extra couple jobs, hire some contractors and see what we can fix here." She said. I nodded.

"I can't imagine selling the place now, anyways." Kaede said. She probably felt anchored to the place that she lost her niece to. I wasn't sure why, though. Did she want to somehow fix the way things were now as a gesture of apology to Madotsuki? I didn't know. Still wearing our black clothes, we walked a distance in the silent morning to the cemetery. It was small and compact, like most graveyards. Walking through the paths, we finally came across Madotsuki's family plot.

It showed Madotsuki's parents' names, Monoe's and Madotsuki's name etched into the stone. Madotsuki's name used to be painted with red ink, signifying that she was the survivor of a lost family. But now that she had passed away, the ink had been washed off. Some of the run-off had stained the sleek stone though, giving the illusion of blood. I sighed as I placed down the urn and Kaede began moving the stone slate that covered the small crypt under the marker. It wasn't too deep, nor was it very wide. Just large enough to store the urns of ashes.

There was already three urns. It pained me to see that there was a spot besides them, just for Madotsuki. It felt wrong placing the urn containing Madotsuki's ashes into that dark, small hole. But she'd be with her family. I knew that's what she'd want. As for the small urn of ashes, Kaede placed it in my hand. "Make sure to light some incense for her every now and then." She told me with a weak smile. I nodded, looking to it sadly. This little urn contained a remnant of my best friend. A person who I had always wanted to protect and see smiling. And now she was dust in a jar in my hands. It was unnerving, I wasn't sure how to feel or whether to feel at all.

Kaede started walking away from me. "I've… already said my goodbyes. A few too many times, actually. I'll wait at the gate while you have your last words if you have any." She told me, walking away. I nodded slowly, looking to the grave and then away from it. What could I say? Sorry didn't seem to be enough and there was nothing I could say except…

"I hope you've found peace, Mado. You deserve it." I said, clutching the urn close to my chest. As I turned on my heel and took a step away, I heard a light-hearted laugh from behind me. I turned around slowly to see two shadows holding hands in front of the grave. One was a short girl with two pig-tails and the other was a taller man. As I stared at them, the shadows covering them seemed to fade and dissolve just a little; just enough to see their features as they glanced my way. It was Madotsuki, holding hands with a tall, dirty-blonde haired man, cigarette in his mouth.

For a second, I wondered if I should've doubted my sanity. Instead, I felt a sense of closure and contentedness. That man… it was the same man she had always described in her diary. It was Makoto. As they both waved to me with a smile, I opened Madotsuki's dream diary one last time.

_Day 16, Month April  
I like it better in my dreams. I don't feel bad when I'm asleep._  
_It's time to end this._  
_I'm going to sleep forever._

I looked back to the two, a bitter happiness welling up inside of me. My final goodbye before I walked away and they dissolved into the air, making the journey into an endless dream where Madotsuki could finally find the happiness she had always yearned for.

"Sweet dreams, Madotsuki."

The End.


	13. Good End

The cold sensation of the morning's wind against my face as I fell was relaxing. I opened my eyes looking to Makoto as we fell together. His expression seemed to be sad. "This is where we part, Madotsuki." He said, causing a ripple of confusion to surge through me. Before I could ask what he meant, he let go of me. No! I reached out to him, trying to grab hold of his shirt. I didn't want to go alone, if I did then I would have to suffer the afterlife alone as well. He drifted away from me, just remaining out of reach of my hands.

He began turning to smoke, lifting away from me and leaving me behind. "No…" I whispered as I looked back towards the quickly nearing ground. A sensation of consuming depression overwhelmed me. I couldn't even die happily, could I? My life had to take everything from me, even the one positive product of my madness. Opening my eyes, I saw a man standing beneath me as I fell. He was standing on the corner of the sidewalk, looking shocked. Move, mister. I don't want to take you with me. I just wanted to leave this world. My eyes widened when the man looking to me tossed aside the cellphone he was using and held out his arms, trying to catch me.

Was he stupid? There was no way he'd be able to save me. I was falling to fast, I'd just kill him too. "Don't!" I screamed as the world slowed around me. I was mere a foot from the ground, that man rushing to try and save me. I was moving in slow motion, looking on in horror as the man reached out, catching me. For a brief second, I felt like everything was going to be alright.

But I wasn't done falling. All of the momentum I had gathered from jumping transferred through his body and I heard a series of cruel snaps. A contorted expression of unadulterated pain exploded onto his face as he crumpled to the ground, dragged down by my momentum. See, mister? That was stupid. There was no saving me. I hit the ground too, slamming into my side and smashing my head against the ground.

_Crack._

Searing pain overwhelmed me and everything went black. I knew I wasn't dead yet, my body was still semi-conscious. I could feel my limbs twitching while my mind sank into darkness to avoid the pain. In the distance, I could hear a man's voice screaming in pain. I wasn't sure what he was saying, but all I knew was that he was screaming a lot. What an idiot…

At least his voice was getting softer now and I was drifting further and further away from the world of the living. A small hindrance, but it didn't stop me from finally achieving the quiet softness I had been looking for. I was swath in a world of empty darkness. Straining my sense of perception, I seemed to be separated from my body at first, looking at myself sitting in this empty world. I was sleeping, but it looked like I was stirring. Slowly, I lifted my head and opened my eyes.

With a surreal rush, I was in my body again. I glanced down at my hands and body, wondering whether this was the afterlife. Looking around me, I was completely alone. No Makoto. But no monsters or worlds built upon my memories, either. I guess this was fine, wasn't it? I wandered in the darkness for a long time, kicking at the ground I couldn't see. What could I do here? There was nothing here, just like there was nothing in life. I paused for a minute, sighing. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a happy, new life here with Makoto. As long as he was with me, I could be happy.

He'd help me craft a world out of the darkness, just like he had in my dreams. He'd bring me hope, bring me happiness. He'd tell me stories and bring me games and eat dinners with me. Why did he let go of me when we were falling? Makoto told me he'd make me happy in my next life. That we'd be together forever this way. But yet, here I was. Alone as I always had been, surrounded by the nothing that was the significance of my life.

I felt myself growing tired of walking. There was nothing here. There was no afterlife. Just an awkward period of darkness between now and then until you relinquished your self to the emptiness of death. I thought this had been a good idea, but now I was regretting it. This wasn't the happiness I was seeking. This was just more loneliness. I sat down, lowering my head so that my eyes were parallel to my knees. The lids of my eyes fell, the dull ache of weariness prevailing over the numb absence of feeling. It was strange, it wasn't even a tired weariness. My whole body was aching in specific places. My side was filled with a dull, burning pain and my breathing was becoming labored. A small headache began to build up pressure in my skull and my legs itched. Now the vision was fading from my right eye. I sighed, closing my eyes. I'd just ignore all of this and let myself fade away into the shadows surrounding me. That was all that was left to be done.

But something felt off. It felt like someone was watching me. I kept my eyes closed, but the sensation of being watched never faded. For what felt like hours, I felt like someone was standing in front of me, watching. Staring at me without end. I listened intently, hoping to hear even a breath from whoever it was who was watching me. A word, a sound. A yawn, even a cough to know that it wasn't a monster that was ready to pounce on me the minute I opened my eyes. All I heard instead was the slow, quiet shuffling of feet. More than one person, although I only ever felt the presence of one person's eyes on me.

I just wanted to keep ignoring them, but a telltale sound caused me to open my eyes in shock. A familiar pair of notes, two tones that hung in the air and resonated in my ears. I knew those sounds. It was a windchime. A windchime I had made a long time ago. My eyes snapped open and I looked towards where I heard the sound. It was from the same place I had felt a person's presence, staring at me. It was Monoe. Standing in front of me with a smile and leaning forward. "Wake up, Madotsuki."

A blinding flash overwhelmed my vision. Everything was so bright… I was in a well-lit room, my right eye covered by something and the white room overwhelming my sense of sight. I heard the chime again and I looked to where it had come from. This time it was from the right. I looked over and saw Monoe staring out the closed window. A windchime hung there and her fingers were gingerly glancing over two flower-shaped bells. I felt a moment of panic. What was going on? How could she be here? Was this a dream? I looked to my arm and saw an IV inserted into an artery in my hand and realized that I was in a hospital bed.

I was completely silent and unmoving. How could I have been alive? Did that man actually save me? Or was this just another of my twisted illusions? I glanced over to the left and saw my aunt reading a magazine. A tall, thin man wearing a black long-sleeved shirt was asleep at a small table the nurses used for carrying in medicines. Masada-sensei, too? "Oh! She's awake!" My aunt called out excitedly. She shook awake Masada-sensei and Monoe turned sharply from the window and towards me. "Oh, god. Mado, I was so worried." My aunt said, a tearful expression crossing her face as she wrapped her hands around one of mine. I was speechless. "Mado? Can you understand me? The doctors said you might've suffered brain damage… please, can you answer me?" My aunt asked. I glanced over to Monoe, whose hands were inching towards my free hand. Seccom was standing at the foot of my bed, looking eager for a response from me.

I looked back towards my aunt, nodding slowly. "I'm… fine, I think. My head hurts." I said in a raspy voice. Teardrops escaped her eyes and she began crying softly, placing her head gently against my shoulder. "Oh thank god, I was so worried… I thought I lost you, sweetie." She said. I wanted to reassure her, to place my hand on her in an embrace as an apology, but my entire right side seemed immovable. I looked over and saw that my arm and leg were in casts. "What happened…?" I asked. Monoe spoke, her smile filling me with a happiness I hadn't experienced in a long time.

"Some man who was jogging that morning and he said he got a call from an unknown man, telling him to 'look up'. He managed to catch you and although you still hit the ground hard, he saved you. According to Kaede-san, you came in with a fractured skull, a broken arm, leg and ribs. They were barely able to patch you back up. They removed a side of your skull, reinforcing it with a steel plate and putting it back. You'll have a scar there for a long time, but at least you're alive." Monoe told me. I nodded slowly. "They had to cut a lot of your hair off, though…" Monoe said, reaching into a nearby drawer and retrieving a bag. In it were my two pig-tails, still braided and all.

I gasped. "How short is it now?" I asked, disregarding my near-death experience. Monoe laughed, holding up a mirror for me to look. It was mostly short now, like a boy's hair-style but messier. A large majority of my head on the right side was bandaged up and I couldn't see what she was talking about. At least I knew why I couldn't see out of my right eye now. "Where's uncle Takeshi?" I asked. My aunt frowned. "He's under arrest for child neglect and your rape, Madotsuki. They're currently using your dream diary as a piece of evidence along with testimonies from tenants that night he raped you after he tried finding Masada-san guilty of sexual relationships with you." She said. I felt a surge of relief in this. He was getting what he deserved now.

"They let me read your dream diary. Madotsuki, you should've reached out to me. I would've tried to help you. Not with pyschiatrists like your uncle tried, but by myself. I would've helped you find happiness." She told me and I felt a smile forming on my face. My aunt was always a wonderful person, but her husband always got in the way of being nice to me. He said she was spoiling me and that it was bad for me.I looked over to Masada-sensei. "Speaking of that trial. Obviously you believe Masada-sensei didn't have that kind of relationship with me if he's here, right?" I asked. She smiled faintly and nodded. "I know you're not like that, dear. He was just a close friend of yours. After that ordeal in the gym storage room, it's understandable." She told me.

Even though I was disappointed to be alive, I was strangely content right now. My friends and family were here with me. "Monoe… what are you doing here? I thought you moved away." I asked her. She nodded. "I did, but the trial and your attempted suicide was so shocking that it was all over the paper. They didn't publish your name but I was able to guess it was you. I called your aunt and nearly had a breakdown when I found out you had committed suicide. The fact that you're alive… I can't even explain how happy I am." She said, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and hugging me gently.

I paused for a moment, looking to Masada-sensei. "So, how's my favorite student feeling?" He asked with a quirky smile. "Like ***." I said dismissively. He laughed. "Well, could you do me a favor?" He asked. "I think so." I answered softly. "Don't do it again, ok? Even if you think you're alone, you still have people who care about you and would miss you if you left us." He asked. I looked to Monoe, my aunt and Masada. Was this what Makoto meant by making my new life a happier one? He lead me to committing suicide but saved me so that my uncle would be out of the way? After all, he was the one who had convinced me to break out of my shell, talk and want to leave my apartment.

Now the onus of my suffering was gone, my uncle. And everyone who used to bring me happiness was standing in front of me. I laughed to myself for a few minutes. It seemed like my imaginary friend had delivered me right from the arms of death directly into the arms of a new life. Speaking of arms, where was the man who had saved me? "Hey, is the guy who saved me ok? Who is he?" I asked. "Oh. I asked the doctors, his name is Sho Minoru. Want to go visit him?" My aunt asked me in return. I nodded quickly. His face before I blacked out reminded me of Makoto's.

Something felt out of place.

Masada-sensei and my aunt helped me out of bed and into a wheelchair, making sure to prop up my leg and arm. Monoe was making sure to push along my IV holder so that it would be removed. "Excuse me, but should you be moving her so soon?" A nurse asked politely, looking at me. "I'm fine, miss nurse." I said and she nodded a little. "If you're sure… please be careful, though." She added as we continued down the hall. "Do you know where his room is?" I asked. My aunt nodded. "Yes, I visited him to say thank you for saving my precious niece." My aunt Kaede said, planting a kiss on top of my head.

After a short while, I found myself entering a room where a doctor was standing and chatting with a man in a bed, covered with a nice quilt. The man in the bed noticed me before the doctor did and he grinned a little. "Hey there, Supergirl." I furrowed my brow at him, causing him to laugh. I didn't like that he was joking about me trying to kill myself. "Please excuse us for a moment." The doctor said and we nodded, waiting outside of the room for a short while. They were probably discussing how long before he'd get out of the hospital.

Eventually the doctor left the room and stopped at the doorway, turning to me with a smile. He was an older man and had a very age-worn face. "Hello, Madotsuki-san." The doctor said with a smile. "Hello…" I said softly. My aunt noticed I felt sort of awkward talking to someone I didn't know so she chimed in. "Ah, Madotsuki. This is the doctor who has been treating you and Sho-san." She said. "Ah. Thank you." I said and he smiled. "You're very lucky, you know that?" He asked me. I was silent for a moment. "I hope so." I said in a very bitter fashion. "You are, trust me. You have people that care about you. That's all a person should need." The doctor said, walking away.

I hope he was right.

I was wheeled into Sho's room and he waved to me. "Ah, glad you're awake. If you never woke up, I'd be a bit upset." He said with a faint smile. His hair was a light brown and eyes were a harder shade of brown. "Why's that?" I asked. He paused for a moment. "I can say it two ways, which would you prefer to hear? Selfish or selfless?" Sho asked me. He didn't _talk _like Makoto did, but his expressions seemed to be the same, despite the fact his hair and eyes were different colors.

"Selfish." I said. He smiled faintly. "You're pretty gloomy, Supergirl." He said. "Don't call me Supergirl." I said sharply, causing him to smile a little. "Alright then. Is Mado fine? Or would you prefer me to call you by your last name? I'd like to be on first name basis with the little girl I saved." He said. "Mado is fine." His voice reminded me of Makoto's when he said Mado. "Well, here's the selfish reason why I'm glad that you're alive. Because saving you cost me my legs for the rest of my life." Sho said with a strange grin.

"What?" I asked. "After I got that little ghost call and caught you, the force and the way I was standing pretty much separated my L1 spinal column. That basically means I'm paralyzed from the waist down, even after surgery. Even once the seven broken bones in my legs re-set and the handful of broken bones in my heel and feet are healed, I won't be able to walk. Honestly, I should've died." He said, twiddling his thumbs. "Then why are you alive?" I asked bluntly. He smiled at this about me, though. "The pain would've sent me right into shock if it weren't for all the adrenaline my body was pumping into me. When I saw you hit the ground and all that blood leaking out of your head, I had to try to save you. My phone wasn't too far from me and I managed to dial up an ambulance. I passed out after that, though." Sho informed me.

"My selfless reason is that you're just a kid. I'm twenty and I'm really not doing much with my life. I'd rather trade mine for yours and see to it that you get another chance to find the happiness that hid from you for so long that you decided to end your life." He told me. I didn't expect that. I felt touched. Why did so many people I barely knew or had nothing to do with me care so much? "How'd I sound?" He asked with a screwy grin. "What?" I asked. Sho's grin grew. "I'd been thinking that up for a long time, planning to tell you that if you asked why I saved you." He said. "Did I sound cool?" He asked. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Did I?" Sho asked again. I looked away. "Kinda." I told him. "Excellent." He said with a laugh. "Hey, nurse-san. Mind helping me out and bringing me outside? I want some air." I asked. She nodded, helping him out of the bed and into his own wheelchair. "I need a smoke, I haven't had one in a while since I got hospitalized." Sho said, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "How long have we been in here?" I asked. "About a week." He told me. I was surprised. So I had been out that long?

My family and friends pushed me behind Sho, leading us to the elevator and outside. While sitting besides Sho, I looked to him twirling his pack of cigarettes curiously. "You were jogging the morning you saved me, meaning you exercise. So why are you smoking?" I asked. Sho smiled a little. "Stupid, isn't it? An old friend of mine pressured me into trying 'em and I got hooked." He admitted, removing on and placing it to his lips, anxiously waiting to get outside so he could light it.

When we finally got outside, he lit his cigarette and let go a sigh of relief once he inhaled a cloud of soft-gray smoke. "We'll leave you two alone so you can talk. Mado, we'll be back in ten minutes, ok?" My aunt asked. I nodded slowly as aunt Kaede dragged away Masada and Monoe. "I guess she wants us to get to know each other a little better. How old are you?" Sho asked me as he blew a cloud of smoke at the ground. His expression seemed to change. He almost completely resembled Makoto now, shrouded in smoke while wearing that sad visage.

"I'm fifteen." I told him. "We're not too far apart in age then. Would you find it creepy if I asked if we could be friends?" Sho asked me. I shook my head. "No, but why would you want to be my friend?" I queried. He flicked some ash from his cigarette. "Your aunt told me about what a rough life you've had." Sho told me, placing his cigarette back to his lips. "No kid your age should have to suffer through all that. Something reached out and told me to save you and I did. Now I'm going to give you a reason to keep living. It was the pain in your life and emptiness of never having anyone around that drove you to do it, wasn't it?" He asked. I nodded slowly. I wanted to play with my pigtails, but they were painfully absent.

"Then I'm going to become one of your friends. I talked to your aunt, she's going to rent me an apartment for cheaper than where I'm living right now. I'll visit you. Do the kind of things that Makoto would've." Sho said, his expression looking as if he wondered whether he should've said that. "The person who called me. The caller ID on my phone said 'Unknown', and it was some male's voice. He sounded sad, like a person who was saying goodbye for the final time. Do you think it was Makoto?" Sho asked me.

I was speechless. I wasn't sure if it was. I didn't know what to believe. He was just a figment of my imagination, wasn't he…? Just an imaginary friend who took the form of my subconscious and tried to keep me happy while I dreamed.

"I believe in ghosts and the supernatural. I believe that people can create supernatural occurrences through sheer emotion. You might've made Makoto truly exist for that split second he called me." Sho said, his cigarette burning down halfway. "You think so?" I asked Sho. I felt tears welling up from within me. For some reason, everything that I had always been holding in seemed to be squirming and trying to wrench itself from the depths of my soul. The loss, the anguish, the betrayals, the emptiness. It was all escaping me in this very instance.

I think it was because Makoto really did keep his promise. He was here with me, in the form of Sho. He delivered me to a new life where I could be happy, just like he had said. Sho reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You can cry. Although I can't hug you to make you feel better on account of the two bottom ribs I broke…" He said, causing me to laugh in the middle of my sobs. I let it all go, I cried as hard as I could. This would be the last time I'd feel sad. This was the last time I'd look at life and think it was worthless. I was going to start trying to make my life a happier place for myself with the help of my friends here.

My life was changing and I could tell because Sho moved his hand to mine and held it, just like Makoto used to. "Everything's going to be better from here on out, Mado. I promise." Sho told me as I looked at him with a smile through the tears. Over his shoulder, for just a brief second, I could see Makoto. He was standing against the smooth wall of the hospital, looking directly at the two of us. With a grin and a cigarette clenched between his lips, he waved and began to walk away from me. I turned away from him.

Thank you, Makoto.

I sat on a cushion on my floor, watching television while eating a snack I had grabbed out of the mini-fridge besides the foot of my bed. I pulled at a lock of my uneven hair, sighing as I stood up and walked quickly over to a small desk mirror I had. "Still hasn't grown enough… It's been four months already." I muttered disappointedly. I had been released from the hospital for a while now and I started my new life. The first thing we did once I came back home was get rid of that horrible carpet. It was a personal triumph. My uncle had been convicted of both the rape and neglect, leaving my aunt in control of the apartment complex.

Instead of being forced to be a housewife as uncle Takeshi demanded, she picked up a couple jobs and started working to cover the loss that the apartment was suffering in repairs. She also asked the tenants if they'd be willing to pay a little more on rent to help cover the costs of repairs until everything was fixed again. They all agreed and almost everything was in pristine condition within a month and a half. I was impressed with my aunt. She always seemed feeble and weak in the face of my overbearing, domineering uncle. I lost a lot of respect for her a long time ago for how easily controlled she was, but when she was released from the shackles of my uncle, she became an entirely new person. Hands on, smart and intelligent. She had the apartment complex running like it used to when I was a kid now.

At the hospital, Monoe apologized for having not ever tried to resist her father and leaving me behind to suffer all the misfortunes life had thrown at me. She decided to have a long talk with her father about staying in touch with me and managed to convince him into letting her sleep over my place on weekends. My aunt and that goofy big-nosed father of Monoe's had a discussion and eventually it was okayed. I couldn't be happier with how my life had become. I had cable in my room now and a new video game system, although I still play my old system more. There's just something about the retro graphics that I really enjoyed.

It was Saturday and any minute Sho and Monoe were going to arrive. I was looking forward to it a lot. Sho came by almost every other day when he didn't have work and tried his hand at cooking me food like Makoto used to in my dreams. He was painfully bad at it, which caused me to laugh a lot. I liked making fun of him, he got flustered all the time about his cooking. Sho was a college student studying illustration and worked in his spare time. He told me he didn't have many friends because not many people clicked with him. 'I'm not much of a people person', he'd tell me often. 'Then what am I?' I'd ask him. 'You're a very special person to me. More than just a friend.' was always his answer. Although I wasn't sure what he meant by it, it made me happy to know I had friends like him and Monoe.

I returned back to school after two years of having dropped out. It was kind of embarrassing, being fifteen in eighth grade. At least the classwork was easier than I remembered it. Even still, I was making friends now. People asked me about the scar on my head and how I got it. I wasn't ashamed of my life anymore, if people asked I'd tell them. They were all shocked that I had tried to kill myself by jumping from the ninth floor of my apartment and even more shocked when I'd explain some of the hardships I used to experience. Some people tried to make fun of me and how I used to be, but it didn't bother me. I was different now, no one could hurt me. I had my friends and I was living a happy life now. Everything was the way it should've been in the beginning.

_Knock, knock knock. "_Ooooopen uuuuuup." I heard Sho calling from outside the door. I put down my snack on my desk, hurrying over to the door and opening it. "Hey guys!" I called out happily as I let in Sho and Monoe. Sho was stubborn, he refused to use a wheelchair for anything unless absolutely necessary. Always on his crutches. Aunt Kaede offered to somehow find a way to accommodate his handicap, but he denied the gesture. He told her it'd be too much of a hassle.

"Mado, did you see the new episode of our drama?" Monoe asked excitedly. I nodded. "Yeah, it was great. I wasn't expecting Kei to confess to Ami that quick." I said with a soft smile. Sho rolled his eyes. "Oh god, not this *** again." He said, shuffling himself to my bed, laying his crutches against its side. "Did you get any new books?" He asked me, looking towards my bookcase. It was bristling now with all kinds of books. With the courage to finally leave my apartment, I started going to the library and began buying whatever books they had on sale to make space for new ones. There were a few gems in the shelves, but Sho tended to read whatever he could get his hands on.

"Yep. The new ones are on the desk. I put 'em there for you." I told him. "Ah, so kind." He said with a chuckle as he placed a cigarette to his mouth, picking up one of the books and raising his lighter to the end of the cigarette. I was in the middle of popping in the recording of the drama episode Monoe was just talking about when I caught him. "Uh uh, outside, Sho. No smoking in here." I told him. He groaned. "Oh, come on! You make a cripple walk all the way from the third floor up to the ninth and then make him go on the balcony for a smoke?" He asked me.

I smiled. "I don't mind the smoke, Monoe does." I told him. Monoe smiled abashedly. "Sorry, Sho. I can't help it, even the smell of smoke makes me cough a lot." She said. Sho sighed. "Oh, no big deal." He said, managing to force himself to his feet. I felt really bad for Sho, he pretty much ruined his life saving mine. His paralysis impaired his movement horribly. He had to wear braces to keep his legs locked in place so he could actually use them to support some of his weight while he forced them forward using his upper body's momentum. At first I used to make fun of him for how awkward it looked, but he got really good at it. It almost looked like he was moving naturally, albeit in a very unusual swaying manner. Other times when he had to move a long distance, he just used a wheelchair.

He leaned forward and placed his crutches against the side of the railing he leaned against while smoking. "Hard to believe this is where it happened, eh?" He called back. "Yeah, honestly… I'm surprised I did it." I admitted. "Well, you were a pretty dark child. When you first started talking to me, all the things you told me, to be frank, scared me a bit." Sho told me. "I know you two love talking, but the show's on!" Monoe exclaimed and I laughed at her. Sho finished his cigarette and came back inside, using his crutches as balance while he made his way back to the bed and grabbed a book, opening it and reading while Monoe and I watched our drama.

After the show ended, I noticed that Sho had changed his book of choice. He was holding my dream diary, reading it. He had read it before, but he always went back to reread it. I didn't feel like it was his way of trying to understand me, but more so as a way to etch into his mind what had happened to me. To keep me from falling back into that kind of darkness. Anyways, the me in that book was gone. I wasn't the same, sad girl. Although I had the same soft voice and sleepy appearance, I was smiling more often and talked a lot more than I ever had.

Our drama finished and I walked towards Sho, holding my book. "Hey, let me see that." I said, holding my hand out to my dream diary. I hadn't even opened it since I got back from the hospital. When it was returned to me, it was closed and I didn't feel the need to bring back any bad memories. Sho closed it and handed it to me. "And now your lighter." I said and he arched an eyebrow at me. "What for?" He asked me. I grinned. "You'll see." I said, walking out to the balcony. "C'mon, Monoe. You too." I told her and she nodded, that faint smile she always wore on her face.

I moved towards the railing and waited for Sho to follow Monoe out. "Okay. Here's what we're going to do." I told them as I opened my dream diary. I grabbed a handful of pages and tore them out, which shocked Monoe and Sho as much as I was hoping it would. "And now…" I said, lighting them on fire with Sho's lighter and tossing them over the balcony. "Now your turn." I said, holding the book out towards Sho and Monoe. They looked confused at first, but I think they began to realize where I was going with this.

They tore out handfuls, tearing them out of the book and tossing them over the balcony and to the winds where they were carried away. We watched them float away, memories of a dark past finally released. We continued doing this until there were no more pages left in my dream diary.

"And with that, my old self really did die here." I said with a smile as I looked to my two closest friends who meant the world to me. I looked to my journal, still filled with pages. I quickly walked into my apartment, looking for a pen. I walked back outside where Sho and Monoe waited, looking at me confused. This time I'd write my final entry for good.

_My old life has ended and so has my sadness._

_I am happy now._

I looked to Sho and Monoe with a bright smile. The book had opened long ago to chronicle the dreams that reflected my sorrow. And now it had finally closed, opening a new life for me to live.

**The End.**


End file.
